Hope that All will be made Clear!- Continued

At my 38 week appt, Dr. Reinhardt delivered the news that I was spilling more protein into my urine than he was comfortable with. When he examined me and found that my body was not at all ready for a VBAC-safe induction, he expressed his belief that we needed to schedule a cesarean birth soon. His words were met with my tears, which he was used to. He always met my tears with compassion, patience, and understanding. This time, I think it pained him to see me struggle with this news. He knew first hand how hard I had worked to get my natural birth. He knew my fears and anxiety about cesareans was real and based on the terrifying experience we had with Maddy. In his usual way of surprising us, he even rearranged his spring break to be able to, in his words- "have the honor" of attending my cesarean birth.


Please understand that I am not a wimp. haha. My cesarean with Maddy was devoid of the normal joy you expect during a birth. It was cold and sterile. No one spoke comfort to me. No one really spoke TO me at all. I was so sick I could barely hold onto reality. I didn't know my doctor, I didn't even know my nurses' names.

So, my fears were based on that experience. I worked through it as best as I could during the weekend. I mourned the loss of my ideal birth. I dug deep for courage. I cried uncontrollably at times too. Sue me.

When the time came, everything sort of went opposite of last time. The nurses made me laugh. We listened to "Dancing Queen" during my spinal block. I was taken care of with tenderness and joy. Everyone was smiling. After all, a miracle is a miracle, no matter how it  manifests, yes? These men and women were excited for us. And I found their enthusiasm to be infectious. Dr. Reinhardt talked to me and made me laugh during the birth. Everything was different, even the moment I saw these chewable cheeks pop over the curtain. I cried such fierce tears of joy that I thought I would just burst. There he was! There was his nose and his lips and his head full of hair! he was so perfect and so real and it was just too much!!! Everything was so different!!!

Until....

Above the noise and chatter, I hear the words "Yeah, we have an IV started...." My head came off the table and swiveled in all directions. What did they say? Where did that come from? Why an IV? I know what that means!!!! I believe it was Dr. McKay, the sweet anesthesiologist, who told me that River was having breathing difficulties. Finally, a nurse came over to inform me that River was "pulling" to breathe and needed to go straight to the NICU. I got to kiss him before he left....and then everything was the same. I cried and shook my head. Asked Chris why this was happening again. Why? Why can't I have normal pregnancies, normal deliveries? Why do my babies have to go through this? I know the NICU means needles, noise, lights, medicines, etc. Why is that how my babies first experience life? Why can't I hold them?

My defeat seeped out of my heart and filled me with anger. I tried to shove it down, I laughed when a joke was made...but in reality...that room was just an OR suddenly. The laughter was just noise, the joy was just a ruse. I was a failure at bringing babies into the world healthy. The thoughts...the questions I asked God in those first moments. I am ashamed of them. Please know that I am not a mean spirited person...but I thought such mean things about all of you who know nothing of these events...I felt such jealousy of you holding your infants in their first moments...of never knowing the smell or sight or sound of a NICU room. And, as quickly as those thoughts entered, God squashed them. He smashed them with this simple truth- You, my daughter, are NOT in control of this. I have it, I have always had it, and I will hold it together. Let me do this.

Just typing that makes my stomach turn. It was so true. So true that it ached like a hole in the center of my chest. I was so busy asking WHY?!! Why me?! Why us? PITY PITY PITY!! I had lost sight of God's sovereignty and spit in His loving face.

The next hour was recovery. Where I got to see family so briefly it wasn't even fair. Dr. Reinhardt spent time with me, reassuring me, just talking to me. My mom and dad got to meet him finally and I cried as my dad tearfully thanked him for taking such good care of me. Soon, the NICU nurses came up to tell me that River's situation was not just a case of "wet" lungs from not being squeezed through the birth canal (which, to be honest, is what I assumed). Instead, xrays showed he had underdeveloped lungs...which would mean a longer stay in the unit...which would mean I was probably going home at the end of the week with an empty infant carrier in the back seat. Been there...done that. I cried and told them honestly that I just didn't understand. I still don't.

They rolled my bed into the NICU guys....seriously. I rolled up in that place like the Queen of freakin Sheba. They rolled me up to his bed where I was allowed to barely touch him and barely speak. I saw him for maybe 5 minutes and was taken up to my post partum room.

The details that follow leave me a little confused...but this is sort of how it went-

He was on CPAP...but had to be put on a ventilator to administer Surfactant into his little lungs and give them much needed rest. Dr. Cabrera, our beautiful and precious neonatologist, wasn't sure the Surf would work, but felt it was definitely worth a shot. Well, we now have TWO babies who were successfully treated with Surf! Thank you March of Dimes! He responded well and was only on the vent for a little more than half a day. He progressed quickly after that. His O2 sats kept going up while his dependency on O2 through a tube decreased. He finally got to eat after a few days...and I had worked my butt off for those tiny vials of milk! His billirubin levels teetered near the more dangerous levels but never quite got there. Soon, those levels went down. Before we knew it, he was on a nasal cannula, weaning off of oxygen altogether.

We both held him before we left the hospital. As precious a moment as it was with Maddy. Talk about delayed gratification. To only touch a foot or a finger and then suddenly to hold them all at once on your chest. OMG. The emotions that flow...the relief that floods. Such peace and grace in that moment.

Before we left that Saturday, we spent a few hours by his bed, holding him and kissing him. I cried a few tears and hugged our sweet nurse, Paige, and we left. In the elevator, Chris and I stood for a moment in silence. Then, we kissed and gave each other a high-five...no weeping this time. We were leaving a healthy baby in capable hands and we were trusting God and those doctors/nurses to do their thing.

Sure enough, every time we visited, he had made new progress. He was moved to the ICN- intermediate care nursery and we began to care for him more and more on our own. We settled into a routine of spending early mornings and late nights with him while spending time during the day with Maddy. We just waited for the day he would come home.

During those days, God worked on me big time...helping me prepare my heart to be fully ready to be mom to two kids. He healed my brokenness and filled me with joy and hope. He met me every day at River's bedside. We would all stand and gaze down at that baby and my sweet Lord would whisper the sweetest things to my heart. "This is my boy. See how I healed his lungs? Do you see how perfect he has always been, even in his sickness? Believe me, you will know why one day. You and Chris are blessed to endure these trials...it is my way to lead you even through the dark."

What a sweet Father!! Don't you see? He has sent His son before us to make a way...but He will lead us through the fallen times...the times of defeat, just as He leads through the joyful times! He doesn't leave us. He stands beside us, does battle with us, and holds us up when our own strength fails. The best part?? He plans to use it all for His glory and for our good.

I cannot see it. He has not shown me the why yet. I can guess at some reasons...but He has not revealed his intentions.

For now, I know this:

Being a mom to two is not easy. I commend all of you who have gone before me. Well done!

Watching River breathe is sometimes like scratching an itch. Sometimes it provides relief...most of the time, it just begets more itching...and I cannot stop watching. Watching for a pull here...watching the rate of respiration.

Parents of babies who spend time in the NICU do not belong to some elite club. It would be pretty pitiful if we did. We hold no special cards or medals. We have a different understanding of our kids' anatomy...we know weird words...we feel for other NICU babies in very visceral and familial ways. Our hearts are stretched in different ways. We have fears that most parents cannot even imagine. But, mostly, we understand one another. If there is NO other reason for Maddy and River both struggling so in the beginning of their lives- it is enough for me and it is enough for Chris to get to love on and reach out to other parents who walk the same or similar paths. It has already come to be...and the opportunities continue to arise. If God only wishes to equip us uniquely for this purpose, that is enough reason for us.


The truest thing I know- "When I cannot stand, I'll fall on you." - Lord, I Need You by Chris Tomlin

Hope that All will be made Clear!

By now you know the gist of our most recent blessing, River's, entrance into our lives.

You know he arrived on April 5th, at 38.5 weeks gestational age and that he was admitted directly to the NICU for "premature" lungs. You know he was 7 pounds, 6 ounces. You know we were all shocked.

Here is what you may not know.

At 33 weeks, we began to see signs that I was possibly heading towards another joyful experience with PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension).

You should know that back when we found out we were expecting River, I hand-picked my doctor, Dr. Jeff Reinhardt with Longstreet Clinic, because of his experience and understanding of PIH and Pre-eclampsia. As our relationship with him grew, we learned to trust him fully, not with the typical skepticism with which you may approach a doctor. I put all my hopes for this pregnancy and birth in his hands and the hands of another amazing man and midwife- Jack McGuire. These two men collaborated on my case and took such good care of me that I find now that I miss them quite a lot. 

In the weeks that followed that initial PIH scare, I was on bed rest and at the doc twice a week. I got to know River's heartbeat so well in those weeks. I heard them each time we did a non-stress test and each time we did an ultrasound. I knew with visual confirmation where each of his little body parts were, that his knees were the little bumps that kept poking out under my ribs, and that his sweet hands were always by his head. The evidence was always clear- River was in astounding shape...he was healthy and thriving. All great news! The bed rest was effective, as weeks passed we noticed my vitals were remaining stable and the signs weren't worsening.

My birth plan had been the same this time as it was the last- to have a natural labor and birth- to, in a selfish admission, redeem my last very frightening birth experience. I knew my chances were great of having another pre term baby, and in my desire to still have a natural VBAC, I did everything Dr. R and Jack told me I could to increase my chances. I worked on his positioning and took supplements to get my body ready. I did visualization, I read books, I prayed....I believed it would happen the way I wanted this time.

If I have learned anything in the past month, it is that I am a simple minded fool when it comes to "what will happen." I have no ability to gauge the future and base my decisions upon what is coming my way. I have no intuition or foresight. I am merely able to live my life day to day and do the best I can to be at my best.

When 37 weeks came and went, we rejoiced at my little victory of not having had a baby yet! We made it to term with this one and I could have thrown a party!!

To be continued....

A little honesty

This collection of moments seems so familiar. I have been here, felt this, feared that, and been able to control nothing once before. I am looking at Maddy from across the room, and my eyes tell me "look how perfect she is....look at her sweet curly hair, perfect blue eyes, and energetic body...she is absolutely perfect...even with a rough start at life." However, my heart takes me back to this:

And to think that this could all come to be again...this time with a baby boy...I am struggling to deal with it.

Besides the obvious issues that come with preterm birth, I am struggling with some very selfish emotions.

Ridiculous questions like these are banging around in my head:

Why can't I get the same chance at normal delivery as most women?

Why, after a totally different pregnancy, are we here again?

Do people think that I don't take care of myself?

Is River really going to have to struggle to do things that term babies do not? Will he really be treated with surfactant, IV antibios, tube feedings, telemetry, and tons of other possible interventions....created just to keep him alive and give him a chance at normalcy? Honestly?

Am I really going to have to spend the first weeks of River's life pumping and driving, and crying, and going home without him and feeling guilty? Really? It could happen that way again?

How freaking unfair. Seriously.

I want to know what contractions feel like. I want to know the power of my body...the experience that so many dread, I just want a shot at it.

I know this sounds petty, and I don't know why I am even considering putting this on the web for public perusal...but until you go through something like this, it is impossible to know what thoughts you are really capable of.

And honestly, this is just my human nature fighting for its say. These things are not true...I know that. I cannot begin to understand...but only try to hope.

The flip side of the coin is this-

Who better knows how to care for a tiny special baby than those of us who have already cared for one?

When I stand before the Lord one day, will He care more about how my babies entered the world, or how I loved and cared for them while they were mine?

Does this situation further allow me to minister and help people who walk this road after me?

Will Maddy and River also have a unique testimony, useful to the Lord, but also comforting to their own hearts?

Could I be looking back at this, in 4 weeks, and think "well, I am still pregnant....so all that worry was for nothing?"

all of my selfish feelings...the ones I allow myself to feel when it is really late at night and I am weak and scared...they are only keeping me from peace. And, I will let them go...after the shock and disappointment of this recent news turns to old news...I will pick them off of me and drop them to the floor like fuzz and move on to hope and peace and strength and resolve.

For now, I am stuck in a fight between the selfishness and the strength. I want say to you that I am fine no matter what happens...that in the event River does come in the same shocking, scary way as Maddy, I will graciously accept my lot...but right now, I cannot.

In experiencing all of this again, I have gone back to the following posts of mine to find hope....

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/madelyn-eve-austin.html - written in the hospital just days after maddy was born.

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/fridays-update.html - an update from the hospital just before we got to hold her

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/our-little-easter-bunny.html - a little Easter miracle

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/happy-one-week-bday-to-maddy.html - one week update

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/05/and-oh-how-my-heart-did-fly.html - How does God relate to Maddy?

and finally- http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2010/03/birds-story.html - the story I wrote to Maddy on her first birthday....recounting it all...but through the softer lens of time.

The common thread through all of those posts? Through that whole first year and still today? God has been so faithful and His love for Maddy is overwhelming and I know the same will be true for River. Eventually, that knowledge will be enough to calm my heart. I promise.

This Fear is Not of the Father!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. Psalm 34:18and19

This week I have found myself mired in sadness for the hurting of people around me. Strangers, even. It seems that with each passing day I hear of another tragic story...a sick and dying child, an ailing parent, a baby born too soon, loss of jobs, loss of trust. And, though it brings tears to my eyes and douses me in sadness, I think of how it must break the Father's heart. For, though He is sovereign, and all powerful, His heart breaks for His children, He mourns for their suffering, and He longs to be called upon to be our rescuer.

In my small mind, so much of the pain around me seems senseless and confusing. I cannot see past the earthly emotions and consequences...I cannot see the point.

Still, these phrases resound in my head lately-

"I hold all things together"
"I have gone before you"
"I will be given the glory"
"I have NOT forsaken you"
"I hold you in my hand and you can find rest in me"

In my own moments of weakness, when I begin to bend beneath the weight of my anxiety, fear, empathy, and simple-mindedness, I beg for peace in the knowledge that the whisperings listed above are promises...held true by the one who has redeemed my very soul, who loves my stinking heart, and who continuously defends my helplessness. Oh to only see His faithfulness, to know His plan is perfect, to trust and know Him fully.

For the hearts crumbling around me, for the tears, and the absolute pain, I have the same prayer: That we all lift our eyes above the things we can see and focus on the Father, lovingly waiting to be asked into the mess of our lives.

I hold all of these thoughts tucked so tightly in my heart. I cannot bear it any other way. Let us all fall on Him...trust on Him...and, above all, sing of His enduring love and endless faithfullness.


The name of the Lord is a strong tower, a help in time of need, a refuge for the weary. So thankful!

On Trusting Him....

So far, 2011 has brought me ample amounts of anxiety and fear. I am ashamed to admit this, but at the risk of sounding pitiful, I am terrified. I have fought through the last two days to uphold my dignity and not crumble into a puddle of tears. I have succeeded in that I alone have witnessed this puddle in my own bedroom on my own time.

I am fearful because the last two years have brought so many unexpected and at times, detrimental, changes to our lives. I look forward to 2011 and cannot see how any of this will change. Here I am, blessed to be carrying our second child, a sweet boy, and yet I am scared of his arrival in just a few months. I am unsure of how we will make it. I am fearful that I will not be good enough to handle two wonderful kids, a marriage, three part time jobs, etc. I have a foreboding that I will simply crumble beneath the pressure.

I look at all of the plans we have made over the past two years...plans to rescue ourselves from the financial pit we are in. I look at how hard Chris is working, the terrible hours, the laborious school work. I see how little time we have to focus on our marriage. It all just comes together to make an indecipherable picture.

This is the source of my anxiety. How can I look forward with hope when I feel so much fear?

I guess the answer comes down to who I believe Christ is and what I believe His feelings towards me are. The easy answers do not apply here. I am searching deep within my heart to find my true, authentic answers to these two questions. Who is Christ? What does He feel for me? Tough questions. But, I believe my peace resides in the solution. I believe that my ability to get out of bed tomorrow depends on these questions.

For now, I resolve to pray and read. For, surely, God has entrusted us with a special set of circumstances for a purpose. Surely, there is an end in sight, one that provides us security and peace? Because, if this is not so, I will not make it. I cannot endure a life where God's plan is simply to allow us to be put on a ledge and left there for no reason, for no determined amount of time. This simply cannot be.

So, trusting Him has become an actively difficult matter. My love for Him endures, but my ability to trust without second thought is lost. Gone. How shameful, right?

How can I look to my Savior and have a second's doubt? When it has never been so in my life before? Who have I become that I cannot see the sovereignty and grace of my God as enough?

The truth is that I know these things are enough. I know that when I take time to look around, at my husband and daughter, at my family, at the things we own, God gave them all to me out of His love and grace. Undeserving of any of it, I count these blessings with heavy weight. But, most of all, His grace and my salvation are steadfast. They are not dependent on my fears or on my circumstances. He stands firm as always, and I am the one faltering. So, I continue on this road with my fear strapped on tight, but also with a thread of hope that, despite myself, God will do a huge work in our lives. That He will make the path known at the right time, and that along the way, He will cover us in love and mercy.

Learning to Live Like Giants

Once you are over your shock that I am finally updating my blog, I hope you will enjoy this little insight into something I have learned over the past few months.

Since Maddy was born, Chris and I have been under a transformation. Many, actually. We both experienced job changes (mine was more of job additions...), we both turned into parents (the most miraculous transformation of all), and we are both learning that in order to survive this time in our lives, we must be larger than life.

When I look back on the past months, I see so many moments when we really should have just crumbled beneath all the pressure. Plenty of opportunities have presented themselves that could have delivered a damaging blow to our marriage, our family, our happiness. I know that I was weak in those moments, I know that I thought "why is this happening?" and "what are we going to do??" I know that I questioned God's plan in our lives. I have realized this and repented it. Because, in the end, HE was faithful, HE answered the questions, and HE provided when we were in need.

This road is a long one. We have another two years to go (at least) before we get out of this financial hole. We have plans, and dreams...and hope that spans our lifetime! It is just a road of small steps on the way to all of that.

So, in the meantime, we have learned to grow beyond ourselves. At the point when we feel like falling over from exhaustion, or retreating into isolation from the frustration, we have to get be bigger and larger than ever. For Maddy...for our marriage. Often this is simply choosing positive thoughts and words over negative. Sometimes it means Chris stays up for 48 straight to be there for maddy or myself in between long nights at the hospital. For me, this means I often put on a brave and happy face even at my most exhausted and overwhelmed- checking off the to-do list, getting the jobs done.

For our marriage, this is simply putting aside expectations and supporting one another. It is finding humor in absolutely everything and treasuring the brief moments we have with one another. Being a giant for us is doing something we absolutely have no time for, just because we know it will lessen the load for one another or bring a smile to our faces.

This time in our family's life is good for testing our mettle. To see what we are really made of. To see if we can make it through with joy intact! I would say, sure we will! By the Lord's grace alone!

To live like a giant, to grow beyond ourselves...it requires this- less of us, more of Jesus.

A New Journey to Behold

I am always touting that I have many dreams....mostly things like dreaming of our someday home with a backyard and large functional kitchen. Or dreaming of Maddy someday being joined by brothers and sisters. Or dreaming of all the many ways I really could impact my world if I really put my mind to it. I dream of being a novelist and a published children's author. I really have a huge list....but the most immediate is- Financial security.

In my attempt to assist Chris in this strange place we find ourselves financially, I currently have three jobs. As editor of Hall County Magazine, as a freelance writer, and as a TA at a local church preschool. Even with all of these wonderful opportunities, we find ourselves still not quite making it.

So, in a leap of faith and a flurry of excitement, I have joined a wonderful faith-based company as a sales consultant. 31 Gifts offers everything from signature purses and totes to kid's items and accents for the home, you'll find something to fit every personality and situation. The company continues to develop new products built on the idea that our products must be stylish, functional, affordable and easy to give as gifts to encourage someone special.

My job is two-fold. I get to offer these wonderful products to the people in my life to enjoy and give to others. Just looking through the catalog as a consumer made me happy and filled me with ideas for ways to give the products thoughtfully and cheerfully. I also get to offer this same opportunity to those who are also looking for a way to pursue financial peace, new relationships, and personal career fulfillment.

So, needless to say, I am so excited to begin this journey and have high hopes! I hope that you will enjoy the journey with me through my updates as I accomplish my goals!

www.mythirtyone.com/erynaustin