On Being Extraordinary

Believe it or not, this is not an update on our little Maddy. Other than tomorrow was supposed to be the day she arrived...hard to believe she has been with us over 6 weeks now. Talk about being extraordinary...this little girl can teach us all a bit about it.

This blog is more a little update on me.

I have been feeling all bottled up. There are so many things pulling my attention in so many directions that I am having a hard time focusing. I was blessed with just enough ADD to keep it interesting. However, with all the changes that have come so recently: Sudden delivery of my baby girl, recovery, NICU, Chris losing his job, adjusting to being a mommy....Wow. I honestly feel like I am losing it!

However, God calls us to be more than conquerors, no matter what. He calls us to this because He is our strength and stronghold. Unfortunately, that leaves me with no excuse. No matter how tired, how weary, how emotional, how frustrated, how bogged down, or how unsure I am...there is still work to be done.

I am insecure about this though. When I look inside I see a slightly different little heart in there. I am completely out of control of my emotions. I cannot STAND this baby weight. I know- 9 months to gain, 9 months to lose, but I almost needed a sedative today when trying to find JEANS! something that has always been pretty simple. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel that old familiar twinge in my belly....the one that came first in high school...the one that tells me to eat less, take a laxative, work out, and start all over the next day. Why is it that I must be so self-critical? Why do I look at myself and see extra fat, pimples, limp hair, pale skin...instead of a body that made a baby, Roush blue eyes, unique red hair, and distinguishing freckles? Why do I feel inadequate and sluggish...instead of confident and energized?

So, I am trying to look at myself through God's eyes. I am trying to see my creative brain, my penchant for words, my exposed heart, my sensitive spirit, my love of ministry. I am trying to see myself as extraordinary...instead of, eh, mediocre and sort of mixed up.

So, for a little cathartic purging...
I feel mad that my body let me down and I had to have the birth experience I wanted least.

I feel guilt that said birth experience led to 13 days of my baby being poked, prodded, lit up, woken up, and left on an open bed alone for the majority of the time.

I feel sad that she doesn't cry when she gets her heel pricked...because she is accustomed to it.

I feel fear that I will not regain balance in my life. That one responsibility or commitment will suffer at the expense of another.

I feel exposed. Everything my dear husband says is somehow a personal attack on me. The simplest of statements shoots me through the heart like an arrow from a bow and he is (usually) innocent. I cannot help it. He is the one I want to please...he is the one who must think I am always beautiful, always magnificent, always witty--never snippy and never overly sensitive.

I do feel fat. it's just how it is for now. I have 4 outfits that fit me and that is just a completely disconcerting feeling.

I feel insecure and sort of lost. I want to have the confidence back. but, are you ever confident again once you become a mother? Maybe not. I will adjust.

I feel blocked. My writing comes in spurts as though it is from a kinked water hose. I cannot seem to find the easy relationship I once had with my words.

I feel blessed. That my baby is healthy and amazing...that I am healthy. That God has provided for us in this unstable financial time. That we have families and a church that love us so much SOOOO much that it is almost too much to take in. That I have a job and work for people and with people who care deeply for me...who are ridiculously talented...who are like minded.


For now, I do not feel extraordinary. But, I believe that attitude determines outcome...so I am going to make a change. With a little prayer and a little practice, I think I will get back there...after all...I am usually quite aware of my extraordinary-ness. I think that as the daughter of a King, it is part of my inheritance...and I must honor that.

So, my ending statement for tonight is: Less of me, More of you, Jesus.