A Scream in my Heart

Tonight, while looking for a site that sells custom preemie dolls, I stumbled upon a site that put a lot of things into heart wrenching perspective. (http://www.remembermepreemie.com/)

This comes on the heels of a poopoo type of day. I had my feelings hurt (darn heart on sleeve will be the death of me), I felt inadequate at almost everything I did (perfection is not my strong suit), and I actually wished, for a split second, to be someone else. I realize that a large portion of this melodramatic angst is a result of the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that my body and psyche have endured for the past 8 months and I know that I am overly tired and quite stressed....BUT, I am struggling to see what that really has to do with anything!

What a string of excuses I just handed you- hormones (wah wah), emotions (wah wah wah), so sleepy (wah wah WAH wah). In the face of all this excusing, God is teaching me and molding me. Yes, it's been a rough little road, and YES, I am struggling with sadness, but still He remains faithful. And what does He demand in return? Total surrender. Not some namby pamby "Oh, yes, I cast my cares upon you" speech. Total-life altering-spilled out surrender that demands my complete commitment and trust.

Looking over this site, seeing the "In Memory of" section, reading the bio of the creator of the dolls....I looked over to my sleeping bird, resting and snoring in her Nonna's arms, and wept. I could hear her breath...breath that came from lungs that struggled to work on their own! But they do! and she is perfect!!

So, I look at the past 8 months and I am thankful. I am thankful for Abba Father who loves us so recklessly, so completely. I am thankful that He sustained, comforted, and healed my daughter while she was in the NICU and I couldn't be with her. I am thankful that He is still sustaining me...gently prodding me along, tenderly holding my head up when I feel beat down by my own anxieties. I am thankful that even through the financial trauma we have experienced, even though I sometimes do not see how the bills will get paid (and sometimes they don't), even though I cannot always see the solution myself- God has been faithful to provide. Money has come from nowhere...comfort has come in many unusual and unexpected forms, and peace resounds in the depths of my heart even now.

Yesterday at CMC I had to sing the first verse of We Will Remember and all of this popped into my head and I cried and my nose ran, and I really tried to keep singing. So overwhelming to think of everything He has brought us through. SO overwhelming to know His heart more now than ever. SO SO overwhelming to feel His love so thick that I am breathing it.

At times, I am sad and do not know why. There are still times when I am so blown away by God and His wonderful ways that I can hardle keep from combusting in a fiery flame trying to make sense of it all.

Even though I have tough days, even though I do wear my fragile heart on my sleeve, I will never forget what He has done, how much He loves me, or how much this scream in my heart sounds like His jealous voice calling for me to return again and again to His grace and accept it.