This day is special

You will see that I have been hanging out with a certain little bird today. Chris worked his second night this weekend of 7p-7a at the hospital last night but woke up early from his daytime sleep and joined us to play.

This is the happiness I have been hanging out with today!

Making a mess in the play room/my old dining room.

She is telling me something about something here!

Cheeks I love to smooch!

Little dry skin on the chin...nothing a litte vaseline or aveeno cannot help!

This is what she looked like after lunch, lounging in my lap:

I have also hung my wreath from last night's make and take at April's beautiful home with some crazy crafty ladies!

This is what my end product looked like and you can find the instructions here for this great idea!

I also hung a beautifully edited photo of mine and Chris' wedding kiss in the entryway. Millie Nelson was so kind to brilliantly photoshop the two officiants (both dearly loved but not so romantic) out of the photo and then had it printed for us. My mom had it matted and framed in one of our favorite shades of rust!

All in all a plain but special day. By the way, I am craving Zaxby's chicken! But I had vegetarian chili instead. I am craving skittles, too! Why skittles? I guess it's the yummy rainbow or the fact that they are truly bitesized happiness in a candy shell!

Hope your day is beautiful and special in it's simple ways.

Home Blessings

My attention lately has been focused on what I call "blessing my home." For so long I have looked at this tiny sweet house with a scowl. We still cannot really afford it, but God has provided thus far and if He continues to provide, which I believe He will, I might as well learn to love it. When I was 21, I bought this townhome as an investment....and here, 5 years later, I am finally seeing its potential. Little by little I am going to make this my cozy hole.

I have learned the art of daily tidying. From a quick sweep or vaccuum of the floors, to a deep down scrub- there is much to be said for doing some everyday as opposed to my wait until weekend cleaning spree that never gets finished.

Besides the daily tidy, I have also started performing simple blessings throughout the week. This could be something as simple as praying over different rooms, lighting a scented candle, or spritzing fresh linen with lavender spray (thank you Sam Hays!)

Other blessings-

Refreshing and fluffing lounging blankets

Rearranging decor and leaving little surprises (like the hope garland or burlap flower)

Cleaning off the refrigerator magnets (homemade tutorial to come later) and putting new photos of family or nice quotes up

Opening the windows and blinds and letting the house have some fresh O2

I find that these little nuances are refreshing in their simplicity. These days, simplicity is my motto- the place I strive to reach. I realize a simple life is not the absence of stress or responsibility, but the presence of peace and comfort in the midst of both.

A glimpse of the kitchen.

Here's wishing some simplicity for us all.

Maddy Wanna Cracker

Today Maddy played pirate wench. Cleaning out my closet, I found an old brown laundry basket from when I was a child. I brought it out to use for the cleaning process, but before I could, Maddy had hopped in.

Because this basket was once my personal pirate ship, I decided to let Maddy have a go at it. Pablo, our Backyardigans penguin, was her parrot, an old sash was her headband, and some of my pink beads were her pirate booty.

Oh, we do have a good time. She is ready for any adventure that comes her way. I cannot wait to see what she comes up with as she grows. Which, by the way, is happening too fast.

Yo Ho Ho sweet bird!

A Scream in my Heart

Tonight, while looking for a site that sells custom preemie dolls, I stumbled upon a site that put a lot of things into heart wrenching perspective. (http://www.remembermepreemie.com/)

This comes on the heels of a poopoo type of day. I had my feelings hurt (darn heart on sleeve will be the death of me), I felt inadequate at almost everything I did (perfection is not my strong suit), and I actually wished, for a split second, to be someone else. I realize that a large portion of this melodramatic angst is a result of the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that my body and psyche have endured for the past 8 months and I know that I am overly tired and quite stressed....BUT, I am struggling to see what that really has to do with anything!

What a string of excuses I just handed you- hormones (wah wah), emotions (wah wah wah), so sleepy (wah wah WAH wah). In the face of all this excusing, God is teaching me and molding me. Yes, it's been a rough little road, and YES, I am struggling with sadness, but still He remains faithful. And what does He demand in return? Total surrender. Not some namby pamby "Oh, yes, I cast my cares upon you" speech. Total-life altering-spilled out surrender that demands my complete commitment and trust.

Looking over this site, seeing the "In Memory of" section, reading the bio of the creator of the dolls....I looked over to my sleeping bird, resting and snoring in her Nonna's arms, and wept. I could hear her breath...breath that came from lungs that struggled to work on their own! But they do! and she is perfect!!

So, I look at the past 8 months and I am thankful. I am thankful for Abba Father who loves us so recklessly, so completely. I am thankful that He sustained, comforted, and healed my daughter while she was in the NICU and I couldn't be with her. I am thankful that He is still sustaining me...gently prodding me along, tenderly holding my head up when I feel beat down by my own anxieties. I am thankful that even through the financial trauma we have experienced, even though I sometimes do not see how the bills will get paid (and sometimes they don't), even though I cannot always see the solution myself- God has been faithful to provide. Money has come from nowhere...comfort has come in many unusual and unexpected forms, and peace resounds in the depths of my heart even now.

Yesterday at CMC I had to sing the first verse of We Will Remember and all of this popped into my head and I cried and my nose ran, and I really tried to keep singing. So overwhelming to think of everything He has brought us through. SO overwhelming to know His heart more now than ever. SO SO overwhelming to feel His love so thick that I am breathing it.

At times, I am sad and do not know why. There are still times when I am so blown away by God and His wonderful ways that I can hardle keep from combusting in a fiery flame trying to make sense of it all.

Even though I have tough days, even though I do wear my fragile heart on my sleeve, I will never forget what He has done, how much He loves me, or how much this scream in my heart sounds like His jealous voice calling for me to return again and again to His grace and accept it.

my heart, so like a balloon

When I found out that I was pregnant with Maddy, I felt like my heart would explode with the sheer joy and excitement and absolute fear that I instantly felt. I had never felt so content, proud, and elated than in those first few moments. Then, as time wore on and I started to realize that I was actually going to be a mom, responsible for giving and sustaining a tiny little life. At that point, I knew something with absolute certainty- I was about to experience something that would not only change me forever, but would finally allow me to be who God has been shaping me to be. My little heart expanded.

When Maddy was born, everything was blurry. Fuzzy like an out of focus lens. I knew that something had changed in me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Even as I sat, useless in the care of my daughter, staring at her tiny body and crying, I knew everything was different. And, even with the heaviness of the situation, my heart expanded.

The past four months, with its trials and the ensuing fear, challenged everything I knew about faith and trust. I struggled to make sense of a lot of things- emotions I had never felt, a financial situation I had never been in, a future that included a sweet baby- my responsibility, my life's work. I am still trying to navigate the tricky terrain of emotions. And still, my heart is expanding.

With each smile on her sweet little face, with each silly giggle, with each happy kick- like air into a balloon- my heart expands. With each new challenge, with each passing day, with each tenuous step- it expands still. And in the hardest times...when things sit on me with their full weight bearing down- my heart expands, making more room for my Jesus to fill with love and comfort. And then, it expands ever more.

Today, driving home from picking Maddy up, I was exhausted. We had a rough night, both of us low on sleep. I just wanted to get to my house, put on my pajamas, cook dinner, and get settled on the couch. Well, Maddy started screaming about 3 miles from my mom's house. She was hungry, or hot, or hurting from reflux, or just plain mad that she had to be in her car seat. Whatever it was that got under my little girl's skin- it got louder and louder as the miles passed. I sang, I told stories, I replaced the pacifier. Nothing helped. I felt my nerves began to fray. 26 minutes of non stop screaming. I could reach back and feel that her head was sweaty from the effort of crying. I drove carefully, resisting the urge to jump curbs and do anything to get her out of that seat and into my arms. I began to cry. Of all the things a mother must endure- anything that causes her children pain or discomfort is the ghastliest. I could be home everyday, spend every moment tending to her every need, and still not be able to keep her from feeling the discomfort of reflux and a slow digestive system. There is nothing else I can do to keep her from those terrible cries. And yet, with every passing moment, God grants me the privilege of letting my heart expand to hold all of it in....otherwise, I would burst. There are too many things to feel, too many things to collect inside my heart. Yet, He just stretches it, makes more room for me to stuff things in.

Soon, I will be nothing but a big, full to the point of popping, heart. It will continue to grow, I will continue to learn and feel and experience the largeness of motherhood. And all the while, God will be in His rightful place...in the center of it all...in the secret and sacred spaces of my heart...constantly making more room for Himself but letting me keep all the other stuff too.

God is sovereign.
Jesus is enough.

so much to say so much to say

I know what you are thinking. What a lazy blogger you are Eryn!
Well hush. I know this, okay?

I have so many things inside of me that I want so badly to put into words but they do not come to me as easily as they did once. It's like I have put up a wall or a door or some other form of blockage. I can peek over and around the block but I cannot bust through. I am using this blog and my personal journal as a battering ram. Bang bang bang...soon I will be on the other side.

Today is one of my days off. Every week I work, in the office, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have not a care in the world other than Maddy. At first, this going part time thing was not my cup of tea. it meant less pay coming in to an already parched bank account. With Chris out of work at the time, I thought, "Oh geez! Why now!" Not even a week later, Chris was offered the job at the hospital, and though it is not the pay we were hoping for, it was a huge answer to prayer. Which shouldn't surprise us.

God has been immensely and endlessly faithful to us these past 4 months. I could never have anticipated the rollercoaster of stress and fear and sadness that I have been on these last 16 weeks. I struggled. I struggled to stay positive. I struggled to make sense of everything. Even the smallest hiccup in my day could render me helpless and in tears. I wasn't a good enough mommy or wife or daughter or small group leader. Instead of dealing with the circumstances head on, I began to sink beneath them.

Then, with His usual subtle ways, God began to lift me out. I think He'd put up with me long enough. He began to remind me of how far He is willing to go to prove His love. He put money in our mailbox, He made bills come in lower than we expected, He comforted us in the times we could barely see straight from exhastion. His timing has been infallible! I am still trying to process it all. My sweet sweet loves-me-like-a-maniac Father has never left us!

Everyday I look at my precious little bird and see His love all over her. She and God go hand and hand. Where she is, He is. I cannot wait to see how He uses her life, how she expresses His love to others. I am positive it will blow my mind.

So, here I am, with my little bird napping happily in her swing, and I am thankful for our circumstances. Even in our uncertain financial situation, even with the constant juggling of money, I am thankful.


A few people have asked me if there will be any long term effects of Madelyn's early entry into the world. I can completely understand that question....though it is hard for me to hear sometimes. the truth is: you never know. She has been tested for brain function- perfect results. for hearing- perfect results. for eye sight- perfect results. She is coming out of her reflux slowly...a few bad days here and there is better than horrible days on end. She is a little over 16 weeks old...almost four months...and she is still not great with holding her head up....she is just now making true eye contact with objects and people and following things around. she watches cartoons now with interest. She reaches for things sometimes...but that is rare. she laughs easily, but that is no surprise. so, is she developmentally delayed? Probably. intellegently? I don't think so. will she always be a little slower to do things? I have no idea. I hope not. but, if so, she will conquer each new challenge with the same energy and committment she has used thus far. Will she be smaller than most kids her age? there's a chance...but if she takes after the scrappy women in her lineage...size won't matter! ha.

So, that's all I can really speculate. I do know that regardless of what comes our way, we will be fine. She is no ordinary little girl, that is for sure!

Warning: the following may make apparent some of my frustration...read with caution.

The final thing I just want to explain is why Chris and I have chosen attachment parenting. I am not going to go into all of the reasons....but will give you the basics. Hopefully this will eliminate the odd looks and the unwelcome opinions that I have endured for a while now, especially from people I do not really know.
One- it is highly recommended for premature babies.
two- it is highly recommended for Eryn Austin. I prayed and prayed about it. I read and read about it and other parenting styles. AP made the most sense for me and maddy.

Yes, we cosleep her. Go ahead and gasp. It is amazing. she sleeps through the night and if she wakes up, I only roll over and tend to what she needs. she has slept in her bassinet one night and did great there also...which doesnt surprise me. she is a content sleeper.

we practice a lot of baby wearing. We have a moby wrap, a maya (on loan), and a snugli. Each has a unique purpose and are used for different occasions.

We do not cry it out. that is all i am going to say about this one.

We are flexible though. we adapt with her changing needs and we will continue that for the long haul. Her independence may have her sleeping in her crib before we know it. I am not holding onto expectations.

I am well educated, well read, and well researched. I did read Baby Wise and knew it wasn't for us, but re-read it just in case. Same thing...not for us. My advice to those of you who are preparing to travel this road...read read read. Nothing is going to fit every single new family. But after realizing how much AP is looked down upon, I have decided that people just need more information about it. It is simply giving your baby what they need when they need it. It is simply realizing that tiny babies do not manipulate...they communicate. It is not hippy dippy, it is not "weird", it is attaching yourself to your baby in a way that allows you to better understand and anticipate their needs. AP is so much more than all of this but it doesn't matter. I just cannot stand another fishy look when someone finds out we co-sleep our child. I cannot stand it and I am going to burst! I am doing the best i can and she is happy. I am happy, we are happy.

And I am done! sorry. I just feel so judged and unfairly so. I try so hard not to impress my ideals on people...i just wanted this explained once and for all. i dont expect everyone to agree...just to respect it.

a little verse here, a little verse there, here a verse, there a verse, everywhere a verse verse! okay, this is about poetry...and other stuff!

I am feeling nostalgic and you must suffer for it! so I am going to totally open myself to your funny comments on my nerdiness and post some of my own, old, sometimes trite poetry and a few other tiny tidbits. enjoy.

Untitled- 2006

Behind my eyelids, laying
heavy at the end of the day, you
stand before me, drenched
with rain. Drops slip down
each hair and land on my feet.
“I came through the rain for you.”
A kiss lands on my forehead. I
am home more than ever
before. You go on about your day,
how you rescued this and that.
You rescue me everyday. I lose
my wits when you breathe life
around me. You grow to new heights
in my eyes. You rescue me a little
more everyday. I shrink only to expand.
I wrap myself in you, only
to find myself stuck. I do
not care to become unstuck. Keep
me please. Wrap, wrap, wrap me
in your rain drops. Rescue me
tomorrow and the day after.


Apple Heart- 2006

If I hold tightly to the world
I know, it will not fall
from my grasp. Apples
aren’t always red, and my heart
isn’t always safe. If I hold
tightly, it wont matter.
If an apple falls from a tree
and bruises, is it no good?
I have fallen, bruised and scratched,
have I lost my value? Bite
into me, tell me what is there
beneath the purple spot. Is
your love for me greater
than my shortcomings?
I fall short. I get bruised.
My world is still in my grasp,
tightly balled into each fist. If
I run away, follow me. Bring
apples.


Coffee Love.
written for hannah and clay's wedding day. july 2005

There was once a cup of coffee that held in its grasp,
a love story. I had no idea that right down the road
was my future. I could have thrown a rock
at your window from my porch, but was always afraid
of breaking something.

Could you feel my love even then?
Like the feeling someone is watching
you, could you feel my love? Praying and
dreaming for you, I always loved you. I knew
that I would walk or dance or fly into the rest of my life
with you from the moment we hugged
and I could smell you on my shirt.

Can I keep you?
I still have that shirt.

I know how you take your coffee. I know
that you rescued me from everything I knew.
Everything I settled for. Coffee is synonymous with
love. I have loved you forever. There
is no beginning and no end to me
now that you have joined your heart
with mine. There is no starting and there is
no stopping. I will never stop loving you. Never.

Can I keep you?
We will always have coffee.

A little musing-2004
I stand like a dot on the earth. My feet are buried slightly in wet grass. My eyes are mirrors, reflecting the banana sliver of moon. The stars are so bright I pretend I can feel their heat on my face, making my cheeks blush, causing my eyes to close tightly. I resist the urge to reach out, knowing I would be reaching in vain. I have failed in even my most valiant attempts to capture a star. Reaching and stretching, all five fingers pointed straight for a star, I am never quite big enough to grab it. All I want is to hold it in my hand for a moment. I want to feel its endless energy, let its light expose the secret places in my heart.
I wonder if it is round, like a ball, and will roll in my hand. Or, if it is shapeless and will become like my hand, or like the flower pot, or the candle holder, whatever vessel I choose to keep it in.
This star, my unreachable prize, is always above me. I want so badly to touch it. Sometimes, however, I think it would be enough just to mimic the star. To have its properties of light and energy. I think, if I tried, I could master the bright shine, the slight twinkle. Maybe, in this star state of mine, people would reach for me, let me warm them, let my light illuminate them.
I hold onto my own private stars all day long. The little things that in small, perfect ways make me giggle, make my face bright. My little collection of stars are like charms around my neck. I hold onto them out of habit, out of familiarity. These are the stars that are out of this world, but within my reach.


For Cooper- 2003

Hold my hand,
piggy back rides,
Buzz and Woody
are on the other side.
Wheels on the bus
twinkle like the stars.
Take me for a ride
in your matchbox cars.

If you're happy and
you know it,
kill the beast.
Belle and Gaston,
be our guests at the feast.
Mommy and Daddy,
kisses goodnight.
Stubs, scrapes, and bruises,
kisses make it alright.

Little boy blue eyes,
king of my heart.
Knew i was in trouble
right from the start.
Grow taller, grow stronger
but don't forget me.
I love you forever little man.just watch and you'll see


Night I Found Wings- 2003, when i truly fell in love with writing.

The crescent was sinking to
horizon and my eyes still
held their stare. Eight hours
less sleep to be enjoyed in
my sheets. Every blink
stuck longer than the last one,
every toss more forceful than
each turn. Where is my sandman,
woman, or midget? Why
is there no sand in my sight?

Glitter, as if from Heaven, suddenly
fell down from the light
and dusted me in sparkles.
My toes were first to tingle,
then legs, and belly, arms,
hands, fingers, head,
all alive like millions of tiny
ants. It was then that I felt
them which no metaphor could describe.
Four rose colored wings sprang
and unfolded and itched
out of my sides. A new
song filled my lungs and
spilled over my lips. It drenched
me in quarters, halves
and wholes, rests, repeats.
With every note that rang,
my wings began to beat
until my body arched
and dangled in the smoky
gray air. I darted out of
my open window into the sky
that was pink with morning.
My skin dampened with humidity,
moist, sticky, and perfect.
I flew singing, fearless, free,
into the next town, where I found
my nest. Stacked with
Hawthorne, Rilke, and Poe.
I settled in, fluffed my
wings and sang a lullaby.
Grabbed a feather from my
back, dipped it in ink,
and then began to write.


From my journal- Sept 2004- and dedicated to the girls of BITA-

pursuit of the pearl.
sometimes, in the daily life of a woman, she reaches a point when she really just needs to know she is beautiful. she doesnt just need to hear it, she needs to KNOW it. well, sunday morning, i was getting ready for church in my bathroom. i have this huge string of fake pearls that i absolutely love, and barely ever get to wear. well, sunday i decided to drag them out of my jewelry box, and take em for a spin. i fastened the white ribbon in the back and smiled at my pearls. i have a fascination with pearls. i have never owned any real pearls, so these imposters are the next best thing. i turned in my bathroom to see my 4 year old nephew, cooper standing in the doorway, in his Buzz underwear. he was smiling his little boy smile, and looking up at me with these unrelenting blue eyes.
"Aunt E, why are you so pretty?" he sat on the edge of the tub, so i sat beside him.
"what do you mean?"
"You are going to be more beautiful than Avery today, Aunt E. i really like those white balls." I laughed at his precious sincerity.
then, i looked in the mirror. i dont know what my nephew thinks is beautiful. i dont know if he even knows what it means. but his words struck me so deeply. Pearls. i may be beautiful, i may not be. but i am like a pearl: rare, precious, formed from sand. i am also in pursuit of a pearl.

Dannah Gresh, author of "And the Bride Wore White," talks about the price of the pearl.
Matthew 13:45-46 says,
"The kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

In her book, Dannah states quite simply, "God costs everything. He is worth the price." over and over again, i read what she says about the pearl. she relates it to her relationship with her husband, how they struggled to pursue a pure, Godly relationship, how they broke up, how they ultimately trusted God, sold everything, and let Him write the story. i dont know if i've ever given up everything to pursue God. I dont know if i have ever had to throw myself away, to be created new, and specifically to His liking. but it is what is required, and until i realize that, until i do that, i am only worth the fake pearls that i wear on my neck.

i just want to end with a verse that really blows my mind.
it is Eugene Peterson's para-phrase from THE MESSAGE.
"Now listen, daughter, don't miss a word: forget your country, put your home behind you. Be here-the king is wild for you. Since he's your lord, adore him." Psalm 45:10-11

From my journal- 9/27/04- also dedicated to BITA girls.

my journey's here, but my heart is there

wow it is rainy outside!
so....I AM SOO EXCITED ABOUT JESUS! this weekend was one of those that i will remember forever! it still resounds in my head. i have shin splints from doing river dance, i am hoarse from singing and worshipping at the top of my lungs, and i am jittery with joy over who God is and how He works. everyday is His, every blessing is praise straight back to His throne.

sooo....todays topic is Princess.
My three year old niece, Avery, is fascinated with princesses. She loves Cinderella, Belle, Jasmine, and Aurora. She has cups, nightgowns, and t-shirts covered in pink and purple pictures of these dazzling ladies. I asked her once, while watching Sleeping Beauty, if she knew that she was a princess. She looked at me strangely and shook her head. “No, I not a princess.” My heart broke at her tiny little admission. For fifteen minutes I tried to convince her that she really was a princess. It struck me in those few moments that she was a younger version of myself. I play the part of the princess, while never really believing that I am she. I admire the princesses I know, without truly claiming to be one myself. However, the simple fact is that I am the daughter of the King, and inherently a princess. A real life, member of the royal family.
I have lived most of my life until now as a “pretty, pretty princess.” I looked and acted like I thought a princess would, but didn’t feel anything princess in my heart. I thought my faults were too great, my secrets too dark, to be able to have the purity of heart that is required for princessdom. The life I chose to live looked fine from the outside, but was simply wilting on the inside.

I am a firm believer that God has gifted each of us with our own uniqueness for a purpose. If I am completely honest with myself, I would have to say that I am Ariel. Not only because I have red hair, but mostly because I have her heart. I am always testing the rules, stubbornly attempting to bend them, shape them to my desires. There is always something just out of my reach that I am fighting to grab hold of. I have a collection of things that supposedly bring me happiness, but like Ariel’s treasure trove, they are only things, and things can be destroyed. So, in my heart of hearts, I know that I store up treasures. God knew my heart before he formed me, and He knew what I would struggle with. He knows how I desire to be loved and truly known. He knows the heart inside of me that I want so desperately to share. He knows what things get in my way. And He knew that I would eventually give up the battle to Him, and find my treasure there. Patiently waiting on me, He has never ceased to bless me and He has never stopped forming me through my unique qualities.

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:20-21

My newly found royalty is a constantly growing knowledge. I try daily to act as the real princess inside me must, growing ever closer to my Kingly Father, the One who gave me my title.
When I ask Avery if she is a princess now, her face lights up and she nods regally. As she grows older I see her true princess traits becoming more and more prominent and I remember to see my own, and to delight in the princess parts of me.

That is all I am going to post tonight. Reading back over my really old pre-blog journals, I realized i am a super slacker with this blog. I could just cheat and post them all on here...but no...I will write new ones!


For now, I am off to bed with a sleepy baby and sleepy hubby. Tomorrow is another day to praise Him...the One who makes me shine.