You know, what the world needs most is authenticity. I feel like we live in a world where words don't really mean what they should...where smiles are often false, and where encouragement comes in a lowly second place to judgment. How pitiful.
I figure, a transparent skin is more valuable than a tough one...so I will bear some soul in this post for ya!!
I have battled some scary little parts of myself over the past two years. I have seen the worst in me come bubbling to the surface and have not always been successful at squashing it back down. I have felt utter despair and fear...I have experience self-doubt in a way that left me crippled emotionally. I have looked at myself in a mirror and said, aloud, "You can't do it. You just cannot do it." I believed it was true. I couldn't be a good mom. I couldn't save my family from financial turmoil. I couldn't love my husband the way he deserved to be treated. I couldn't do anything right.
Still, threaded between all of that was a thick rope of hope that I really couldn't ignore. Even in my saddest moments, I clung to hope that it would all work out. I grabbed onto Maddy and fed off of her enthusiasm and joy. I loved my husband with a deep and feral ferocity. I dug into the pit of who I am and scrounged around for toughness and resolve. I picked myself up out of the bed each day with hope!! Hope! Hope! Hope!!
My point in telling you this is to grab your hand and let you know that the struggles we all face, the pain we cope with, the fear we battle...it is all relative. It is all weak and we just have to find its achilles heel and strike it down.
Hope is not vacant...it does not exist as a sentiment we can say we feel but never touch in reality. It is action and reaction and alive. Hope is what you decide to do, how you decide to use your life. To me, hope comes from the Lord. His provision and love for me. He is hope because He chose me and saved me against all proof that I was undeserving. That hope is in my life for me to use as I please. I can choose to ignore it, as I have often done, or I can weild it as a weapon.
In the past 24 hours I have received 4 emails from women I know, respect, and love. Women from all walks of life...single, married...mamas and mamas in waiting. All of them have expressed completely different struggles and all of them make my heart yearn for their comfort and peace. I do not have any answers. I do not know how to solve the riddles of the mind and heart. I do know what it feels like, though. And I am here to offer what I can...honesty.
For today, I choose Philipian 4:8- Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (The Message)
Through the ups and downs of my days, and the moments when I, for even a second, feel inadequate, I think this- what is beautiful in this day? What am I thankful for?
Today's answers- The boy beside me with dimples. The curl in my hair (that is often a source of complaint). Coffee!!! A hug from my husband when he walks in the door in a few hours. Food on my table.
Once you start, the list continues...then you will find, there is no room in that precious heart of yours for negativity or doubt. Be strong in joy and fearless with your love.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Food as Fuel...and Yumminess too!!
Okay, so food is obviously at the forefront of ANY health regime. So, I will recap the Leptin rules quickly and then share with you some updates to what I eat.
Here are the rules I now live by:
The Five Rules of the The Leptin Diet
Rule 1: Never eat after dinner.
Rule 2: Eat three meals a day.
Rule 3: Do not eat large meals.
Rule 4: Eat a breakfast containing protein.
Rule 5: Reduce the amount of carbohydrates eaten.
To see more details, check out this post or buy this book.
Rule Number 1 is pretty simple for me. I am not a late night snacker. If you are, though, my advice is to get a huge glass of ice water (crushed ice if possible) and lazily sip that and crunch on the ice for a bit. (not great for your teeth, but, it works for me) Try a little lemon or lime in your water if you need something to help flavor it.
Rule Number 2 gets a little squirrelly for some. We have all heard from so many people that we should be eating 5-6 meals a day to boost our metabolism. The studies that surround the hormone Leptin suggest otherwise. Leptin is the hormone that is the meter reader for all other hormones. It controls the release of triglycerides from our fat cells to fuels our bodies when we are not fueling it with food. So basically, when our body enters into fat burning mode (3-6 hours after eating) we should LET IT. The 5-6 meals a day plan means that every time your body starts to burn fat, you are then putting food (proteins, carbs, simple sugars) in your body to be burned instead!! Eating three HIGH protein, moderate carb meals a day allows your body to use fat as fuel instead. There is a lot of info in the book that looks scientifically and intrinsically at the role of your pancreas and of insulin in all of this. The bottom line for me: I spent 4 years in the fitness industry eating 5-6 meals a day (boiled egg for breakfast, non fat yogurt with grapes for snack, spinach with a half cup of tuna for lunch, almonds and cottage cheese for snack, whatever for dinner) and lost maybe 5 pounds every few months. With Leptin, from May to August, I lost 26 pounds and never felt hungry or tired, or more importantly, deprived.
Rule Number 3- This is a harder one to master. Learning to stop eating BEFORE you feel full and allowing your body to catch up to your mouth is a discipline that takes work. Do not give up. Try to leave a little more food on your plate each time you eat until you learn your best portions.
Rule Number 4 is the easiest for me. Grab some high quality whey protein (I prefer chocolate) from any health food section at a store. I mix 1.5 scoops of mine with 8 oz skim milk and half a scoop of milled flax seed. that gives me nearly 36 grams of protein with less than 8 carbs and TONS of fiber and omegas! I pair that with my coffee (made with Truvia, YUM!, and real creamer). You can also grab a few eggs and veggies and make a frittata. High protein means more than 20 grams. This will help keep you full longer and make it to your next meal!
Rule Number 5 is what prompted me to get an account with My Fitness Pal. Track your meals for a few days and see how many carbs you are getting. I did it a few weeks ago when I was really slowing down on weight loss...I was eating close to 80 carbs or more a day without realizing it. I now keep my carbs below 40g five days a week. I let myself cheat when I feel like it but get back to it the next day.
My meal plan right now:
Breakfast- shake made with 1.5 scoops whey, 8 oz skim milk, .5 scoops milled flax. Coffee with Truvia and cream, and supplements- which I will address in my next post.
Lunch- usually the same as breakfast. Sometimes I make this:
The Ultimate Bowl
3 cups quinoa, rinsed and drained
1 15 oz can of organic vegetarian black beans, well rinsed and drained
1 pint cherry tomatoes
1 cup fresh cilantro chopped
fresh lemon juice
sea salt and black pepper
lime juice (I use the kind in a bottle)
Avocados (keep on hand)
Dressing:
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 cup white vinegar
2 or 3 cloves garlic, minced
sea salt and black pepper to taste
Cook quinoa according to package, cover set aside. In a large mixing bowl, add beans, tomatoes and cilantro, toss to combine.
Add all dressing ingredients to food processor and pulse until garlic is blended and dressing appears creamy, set aside in fridge.
Fluff quinoa with fork and add bean and tomatoe mixture. Season with salt and pepper and add lime and lemon juice to taste. Toss to combine. Keep in fridge until ready to serve. Measure out a 1-cup serving and slice up 1/4 avocado when ready to eat. Drizzle with dressing.
YUM. Now, this is replacement for one of my meals. It has 32 g of carbs, so I only eat this on days when I am having a shake for my other two meals.
Dinner- lean meat grilled or baked with veggies.
If I want something sweet, like coffee or dessert, I only eat it WITH my meal. I never wait and have dessert later.
So there you go, just a few ideas for food. please share yours as you develop your ideas!!
Here are the rules I now live by:
The Five Rules of the The Leptin Diet
Rule 1: Never eat after dinner.
Rule 2: Eat three meals a day.
Rule 3: Do not eat large meals.
Rule 4: Eat a breakfast containing protein.
Rule 5: Reduce the amount of carbohydrates eaten.
To see more details, check out this post or buy this book.
Rule Number 1 is pretty simple for me. I am not a late night snacker. If you are, though, my advice is to get a huge glass of ice water (crushed ice if possible) and lazily sip that and crunch on the ice for a bit. (not great for your teeth, but, it works for me) Try a little lemon or lime in your water if you need something to help flavor it.
Rule Number 2 gets a little squirrelly for some. We have all heard from so many people that we should be eating 5-6 meals a day to boost our metabolism. The studies that surround the hormone Leptin suggest otherwise. Leptin is the hormone that is the meter reader for all other hormones. It controls the release of triglycerides from our fat cells to fuels our bodies when we are not fueling it with food. So basically, when our body enters into fat burning mode (3-6 hours after eating) we should LET IT. The 5-6 meals a day plan means that every time your body starts to burn fat, you are then putting food (proteins, carbs, simple sugars) in your body to be burned instead!! Eating three HIGH protein, moderate carb meals a day allows your body to use fat as fuel instead. There is a lot of info in the book that looks scientifically and intrinsically at the role of your pancreas and of insulin in all of this. The bottom line for me: I spent 4 years in the fitness industry eating 5-6 meals a day (boiled egg for breakfast, non fat yogurt with grapes for snack, spinach with a half cup of tuna for lunch, almonds and cottage cheese for snack, whatever for dinner) and lost maybe 5 pounds every few months. With Leptin, from May to August, I lost 26 pounds and never felt hungry or tired, or more importantly, deprived.
Rule Number 3- This is a harder one to master. Learning to stop eating BEFORE you feel full and allowing your body to catch up to your mouth is a discipline that takes work. Do not give up. Try to leave a little more food on your plate each time you eat until you learn your best portions.
Rule Number 4 is the easiest for me. Grab some high quality whey protein (I prefer chocolate) from any health food section at a store. I mix 1.5 scoops of mine with 8 oz skim milk and half a scoop of milled flax seed. that gives me nearly 36 grams of protein with less than 8 carbs and TONS of fiber and omegas! I pair that with my coffee (made with Truvia, YUM!, and real creamer). You can also grab a few eggs and veggies and make a frittata. High protein means more than 20 grams. This will help keep you full longer and make it to your next meal!
Rule Number 5 is what prompted me to get an account with My Fitness Pal. Track your meals for a few days and see how many carbs you are getting. I did it a few weeks ago when I was really slowing down on weight loss...I was eating close to 80 carbs or more a day without realizing it. I now keep my carbs below 40g five days a week. I let myself cheat when I feel like it but get back to it the next day.
My meal plan right now:
Breakfast- shake made with 1.5 scoops whey, 8 oz skim milk, .5 scoops milled flax. Coffee with Truvia and cream, and supplements- which I will address in my next post.
Lunch- usually the same as breakfast. Sometimes I make this:
3 cups quinoa, rinsed and drained
1 15 oz can of organic vegetarian black beans, well rinsed and drained
1 pint cherry tomatoes
1 cup fresh cilantro chopped
fresh lemon juice
sea salt and black pepper
lime juice (I use the kind in a bottle)
Avocados (keep on hand)
Dressing:
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 cup white vinegar
2 or 3 cloves garlic, minced
sea salt and black pepper to taste
Cook quinoa according to package, cover set aside. In a large mixing bowl, add beans, tomatoes and cilantro, toss to combine.
Add all dressing ingredients to food processor and pulse until garlic is blended and dressing appears creamy, set aside in fridge.
Fluff quinoa with fork and add bean and tomatoe mixture. Season with salt and pepper and add lime and lemon juice to taste. Toss to combine. Keep in fridge until ready to serve. Measure out a 1-cup serving and slice up 1/4 avocado when ready to eat. Drizzle with dressing.
YUM. Now, this is replacement for one of my meals. It has 32 g of carbs, so I only eat this on days when I am having a shake for my other two meals.
Dinner- lean meat grilled or baked with veggies.
If I want something sweet, like coffee or dessert, I only eat it WITH my meal. I never wait and have dessert later.
So there you go, just a few ideas for food. please share yours as you develop your ideas!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
A Journey to Health
Like any journey, you stand at the beginning full of promise and hope. You think "I am going to do this, and nothing will stop me." Determination! Such a false friend. Unfortunately, my journey for "weight loss" has been a lifetime effort. I was never just a skinny girl. God made me shapely, and sometimes that "shape" got a little out of hand. From the time I hit 9th grade, I have had to purpose to stay thin and healthy. My body holds onto food like it is a life raft in stormy seas. I had to learn at an early age what to eat, how much to move, and how to really view "health." I struggled. My senior year, in an attempt to look absolutely stunning in my prom dress, I lost a shocking 20 pounds in less than 6 weeks because of some terrible eating choices. I even found myself lying to family when they asked me what I had eaten during the day. Usually, the truth was that I had eaten a bag of fat free pretzels and drank about 4 gallons of water. That was it. I wrote a non-fiction piece in college about my eating issues called "The Fat That Isn't Really There." In it, I address the disconnect from what was reality and what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I liken it to someone putting on a fat suit...what I saw when I looked at myself was not an accurate representation of what was really there.
So, it is obvious that my view of heatlh was still distorted- back then "health" meant skinny and only skinny.
Well, since I have now had two babies...needless to say, my body is in a whole new realm of "what the crap is that?" Mamas, you know what I mean. Doesn't it sometimes feel like our bodies are a puzzle and after kids, we have a few extra pieces that just mess the whole thing up? But, it is worth it, obviously!!!
At first, after Maddy was born, I was daunted by the idea of losing the 40+ pounds I had gained with her. I struggled devilishly with emotional ups and downs, as not only was I a new mom, Chris and I had just found ourselves in a terrifying financial situation. So, my eating actually got worse for about 8 months after she was born. Then, in 2010, when our church embarked on the Daniel Fast journey, I realized how good it felt to put food that MEANS something into my body. Food that had a purpose, that worked with my body to produce energy and vitality. I lost 11 pounds on the Daniel Fast without even thinking about it. I wasn't trying to lose weight, but to join my church in a movement of prayer and purpose. Voila! 11 pounds gone, and I felt like a new person.
Then, friends introduced my family to the Leptin Diet by Byron Richards. The book made such sense that my parents, sister, and I all started to put the principles into action. My dad dropped weight like he was on fire. He saw a significant decrease in his blood pressure and LDLs. I experienced significant weight loss, but also relief from my chronic neck pain. It was amazing. And the best part, it was simple.
So, here I am, another baby has left his beautiful marks on my body. Another pregnancy has wrecked my kidneys. Yet, emotionally, I am in such a good place. I feel like a much stronger person this time...and I do not feel fearful of this journey that I am on...this journey to health. It is not a journey to thin...or a journey to a bikini. I want to be healthy in the sense that I have energy to handle my two awesome kids and still have some left over at the end of the day for my precious husband. I want to be strong...I want my body to move surefootedly. I want to be able to show, not teach, my kids about health and fitness. I put the best foods I can in front of Maddy to eat....not a nazi about it, but I do try to teach her healthy eating and I plan to model that behavior.
So, because of all of this, I have decided to share some of my experiences with you. If you care, follow along. I will offer tips, opinions, emotions, and fears. My hope is that all of you who are starting on the same journey can find encouragement here and that we may be a cheering section for one another.
This journey is not just for weight loss...it is for health...by following Byron's studies of the hormone Leptin, the body can be restored to a balanced state, eliminating inflammation and chronic pain, stave off disease, and ultimately- get back to the weight your body needs.
To catch you up on Leptin, please check out my blogs from 2010. I will add updated info, but these will get you started:
http://sweetlemonsqueezed.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-friend-leptin.html
http://sweetlemonsqueezed.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-relationship-with-leptin.html
http://sweetlemonsqueezed.blogspot.com/2010/05/leptin-licious.html
Please consider buying the book too, though!! http://tinyurl.com/3zl4g8b
Here's to health!!
So, it is obvious that my view of heatlh was still distorted- back then "health" meant skinny and only skinny.
Well, since I have now had two babies...needless to say, my body is in a whole new realm of "what the crap is that?" Mamas, you know what I mean. Doesn't it sometimes feel like our bodies are a puzzle and after kids, we have a few extra pieces that just mess the whole thing up? But, it is worth it, obviously!!!
 |
| Gained 45 pounds this time!!! So far, I have lost 29 of those. |
At first, after Maddy was born, I was daunted by the idea of losing the 40+ pounds I had gained with her. I struggled devilishly with emotional ups and downs, as not only was I a new mom, Chris and I had just found ourselves in a terrifying financial situation. So, my eating actually got worse for about 8 months after she was born. Then, in 2010, when our church embarked on the Daniel Fast journey, I realized how good it felt to put food that MEANS something into my body. Food that had a purpose, that worked with my body to produce energy and vitality. I lost 11 pounds on the Daniel Fast without even thinking about it. I wasn't trying to lose weight, but to join my church in a movement of prayer and purpose. Voila! 11 pounds gone, and I felt like a new person.
Then, friends introduced my family to the Leptin Diet by Byron Richards. The book made such sense that my parents, sister, and I all started to put the principles into action. My dad dropped weight like he was on fire. He saw a significant decrease in his blood pressure and LDLs. I experienced significant weight loss, but also relief from my chronic neck pain. It was amazing. And the best part, it was simple.
So, here I am, another baby has left his beautiful marks on my body. Another pregnancy has wrecked my kidneys. Yet, emotionally, I am in such a good place. I feel like a much stronger person this time...and I do not feel fearful of this journey that I am on...this journey to health. It is not a journey to thin...or a journey to a bikini. I want to be healthy in the sense that I have energy to handle my two awesome kids and still have some left over at the end of the day for my precious husband. I want to be strong...I want my body to move surefootedly. I want to be able to show, not teach, my kids about health and fitness. I put the best foods I can in front of Maddy to eat....not a nazi about it, but I do try to teach her healthy eating and I plan to model that behavior.
So, because of all of this, I have decided to share some of my experiences with you. If you care, follow along. I will offer tips, opinions, emotions, and fears. My hope is that all of you who are starting on the same journey can find encouragement here and that we may be a cheering section for one another.
This journey is not just for weight loss...it is for health...by following Byron's studies of the hormone Leptin, the body can be restored to a balanced state, eliminating inflammation and chronic pain, stave off disease, and ultimately- get back to the weight your body needs.
To catch you up on Leptin, please check out my blogs from 2010. I will add updated info, but these will get you started:
http://sweetlemonsqueezed.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-friend-leptin.html
http://sweetlemonsqueezed.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-relationship-with-leptin.html
http://sweetlemonsqueezed.blogspot.com/2010/05/leptin-licious.html
Please consider buying the book too, though!! http://tinyurl.com/3zl4g8b
Here's to health!!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Hope that All will be made Clear!- Continued
At my 38 week appt, Dr. Reinhardt delivered the news that I was spilling more protein into my urine than he was comfortable with. When he examined me and found that my body was not at all ready for a VBAC-safe induction, he expressed his belief that we needed to schedule a cesarean birth soon. His words were met with my tears, which he was used to. He always met my tears with compassion, patience, and understanding. This time, I think it pained him to see me struggle with this news. He knew first hand how hard I had worked to get my natural birth. He knew my fears and anxiety about cesareans was real and based on the terrifying experience we had with Maddy. In his usual way of surprising us, he even rearranged his spring break to be able to, in his words- "have the honor" of attending my cesarean birth.
Please understand that I am not a wimp. haha. My cesarean with Maddy was devoid of the normal joy you expect during a birth. It was cold and sterile. No one spoke comfort to me. No one really spoke TO me at all. I was so sick I could barely hold onto reality. I didn't know my doctor, I didn't even know my nurses' names.
So, my fears were based on that experience. I worked through it as best as I could during the weekend. I mourned the loss of my ideal birth. I dug deep for courage. I cried uncontrollably at times too. Sue me.
When the time came, everything sort of went opposite of last time. The nurses made me laugh. We listened to "Dancing Queen" during my spinal block. I was taken care of with tenderness and joy. Everyone was smiling. After all, a miracle is a miracle, no matter how it manifests, yes? These men and women were excited for us. And I found their enthusiasm to be infectious. Dr. Reinhardt talked to me and made me laugh during the birth. Everything was different, even the moment I saw these chewable cheeks pop over the curtain. I cried such fierce tears of joy that I thought I would just burst. There he was! There was his nose and his lips and his head full of hair! he was so perfect and so real and it was just too much!!! Everything was so different!!!
Until....
Above the noise and chatter, I hear the words "Yeah, we have an IV started...." My head came off the table and swiveled in all directions. What did they say? Where did that come from? Why an IV? I know what that means!!!! I believe it was Dr. McKay, the sweet anesthesiologist, who told me that River was having breathing difficulties. Finally, a nurse came over to inform me that River was "pulling" to breathe and needed to go straight to the NICU. I got to kiss him before he left....and then everything was the same. I cried and shook my head. Asked Chris why this was happening again. Why? Why can't I have normal pregnancies, normal deliveries? Why do my babies have to go through this? I know the NICU means needles, noise, lights, medicines, etc. Why is that how my babies first experience life? Why can't I hold them?
My defeat seeped out of my heart and filled me with anger. I tried to shove it down, I laughed when a joke was made...but in reality...that room was just an OR suddenly. The laughter was just noise, the joy was just a ruse. I was a failure at bringing babies into the world healthy. The thoughts...the questions I asked God in those first moments. I am ashamed of them. Please know that I am not a mean spirited person...but I thought such mean things about all of you who know nothing of these events...I felt such jealousy of you holding your infants in their first moments...of never knowing the smell or sight or sound of a NICU room. And, as quickly as those thoughts entered, God squashed them. He smashed them with this simple truth- You, my daughter, are NOT in control of this. I have it, I have always had it, and I will hold it together. Let me do this.
Just typing that makes my stomach turn. It was so true. So true that it ached like a hole in the center of my chest. I was so busy asking WHY?!! Why me?! Why us? PITY PITY PITY!! I had lost sight of God's sovereignty and spit in His loving face.
The next hour was recovery. Where I got to see family so briefly it wasn't even fair. Dr. Reinhardt spent time with me, reassuring me, just talking to me. My mom and dad got to meet him finally and I cried as my dad tearfully thanked him for taking such good care of me. Soon, the NICU nurses came up to tell me that River's situation was not just a case of "wet" lungs from not being squeezed through the birth canal (which, to be honest, is what I assumed). Instead, xrays showed he had underdeveloped lungs...which would mean a longer stay in the unit...which would mean I was probably going home at the end of the week with an empty infant carrier in the back seat. Been there...done that. I cried and told them honestly that I just didn't understand. I still don't.
They rolled my bed into the NICU guys....seriously. I rolled up in that place like the Queen of freakin Sheba. They rolled me up to his bed where I was allowed to barely touch him and barely speak. I saw him for maybe 5 minutes and was taken up to my post partum room.
The details that follow leave me a little confused...but this is sort of how it went-
He was on CPAP...but had to be put on a ventilator to administer Surfactant into his little lungs and give them much needed rest. Dr. Cabrera, our beautiful and precious neonatologist, wasn't sure the Surf would work, but felt it was definitely worth a shot. Well, we now have TWO babies who were successfully treated with Surf! Thank you March of Dimes! He responded well and was only on the vent for a little more than half a day. He progressed quickly after that. His O2 sats kept going up while his dependency on O2 through a tube decreased. He finally got to eat after a few days...and I had worked my butt off for those tiny vials of milk! His billirubin levels teetered near the more dangerous levels but never quite got there. Soon, those levels went down. Before we knew it, he was on a nasal cannula, weaning off of oxygen altogether.
We both held him before we left the hospital. As precious a moment as it was with Maddy. Talk about delayed gratification. To only touch a foot or a finger and then suddenly to hold them all at once on your chest. OMG. The emotions that flow...the relief that floods. Such peace and grace in that moment.
Before we left that Saturday, we spent a few hours by his bed, holding him and kissing him. I cried a few tears and hugged our sweet nurse, Paige, and we left. In the elevator, Chris and I stood for a moment in silence. Then, we kissed and gave each other a high-five...no weeping this time. We were leaving a healthy baby in capable hands and we were trusting God and those doctors/nurses to do their thing.
Sure enough, every time we visited, he had made new progress. He was moved to the ICN- intermediate care nursery and we began to care for him more and more on our own. We settled into a routine of spending early mornings and late nights with him while spending time during the day with Maddy. We just waited for the day he would come home.
During those days, God worked on me big time...helping me prepare my heart to be fully ready to be mom to two kids. He healed my brokenness and filled me with joy and hope. He met me every day at River's bedside. We would all stand and gaze down at that baby and my sweet Lord would whisper the sweetest things to my heart. "This is my boy. See how I healed his lungs? Do you see how perfect he has always been, even in his sickness? Believe me, you will know why one day. You and Chris are blessed to endure these trials...it is my way to lead you even through the dark."
What a sweet Father!! Don't you see? He has sent His son before us to make a way...but He will lead us through the fallen times...the times of defeat, just as He leads through the joyful times! He doesn't leave us. He stands beside us, does battle with us, and holds us up when our own strength fails. The best part?? He plans to use it all for His glory and for our good.
I cannot see it. He has not shown me the why yet. I can guess at some reasons...but He has not revealed his intentions.
For now, I know this:
Being a mom to two is not easy. I commend all of you who have gone before me. Well done!
Watching River breathe is sometimes like scratching an itch. Sometimes it provides relief...most of the time, it just begets more itching...and I cannot stop watching. Watching for a pull here...watching the rate of respiration.
Parents of babies who spend time in the NICU do not belong to some elite club. It would be pretty pitiful if we did. We hold no special cards or medals. We have a different understanding of our kids' anatomy...we know weird words...we feel for other NICU babies in very visceral and familial ways. Our hearts are stretched in different ways. We have fears that most parents cannot even imagine. But, mostly, we understand one another. If there is NO other reason for Maddy and River both struggling so in the beginning of their lives- it is enough for me and it is enough for Chris to get to love on and reach out to other parents who walk the same or similar paths. It has already come to be...and the opportunities continue to arise. If God only wishes to equip us uniquely for this purpose, that is enough reason for us.
The truest thing I know- "When I cannot stand, I'll fall on you." - Lord, I Need You by Chris Tomlin
Please understand that I am not a wimp. haha. My cesarean with Maddy was devoid of the normal joy you expect during a birth. It was cold and sterile. No one spoke comfort to me. No one really spoke TO me at all. I was so sick I could barely hold onto reality. I didn't know my doctor, I didn't even know my nurses' names.
So, my fears were based on that experience. I worked through it as best as I could during the weekend. I mourned the loss of my ideal birth. I dug deep for courage. I cried uncontrollably at times too. Sue me.
When the time came, everything sort of went opposite of last time. The nurses made me laugh. We listened to "Dancing Queen" during my spinal block. I was taken care of with tenderness and joy. Everyone was smiling. After all, a miracle is a miracle, no matter how it manifests, yes? These men and women were excited for us. And I found their enthusiasm to be infectious. Dr. Reinhardt talked to me and made me laugh during the birth. Everything was different, even the moment I saw these chewable cheeks pop over the curtain. I cried such fierce tears of joy that I thought I would just burst. There he was! There was his nose and his lips and his head full of hair! he was so perfect and so real and it was just too much!!! Everything was so different!!!
Until....
Above the noise and chatter, I hear the words "Yeah, we have an IV started...." My head came off the table and swiveled in all directions. What did they say? Where did that come from? Why an IV? I know what that means!!!! I believe it was Dr. McKay, the sweet anesthesiologist, who told me that River was having breathing difficulties. Finally, a nurse came over to inform me that River was "pulling" to breathe and needed to go straight to the NICU. I got to kiss him before he left....and then everything was the same. I cried and shook my head. Asked Chris why this was happening again. Why? Why can't I have normal pregnancies, normal deliveries? Why do my babies have to go through this? I know the NICU means needles, noise, lights, medicines, etc. Why is that how my babies first experience life? Why can't I hold them?
My defeat seeped out of my heart and filled me with anger. I tried to shove it down, I laughed when a joke was made...but in reality...that room was just an OR suddenly. The laughter was just noise, the joy was just a ruse. I was a failure at bringing babies into the world healthy. The thoughts...the questions I asked God in those first moments. I am ashamed of them. Please know that I am not a mean spirited person...but I thought such mean things about all of you who know nothing of these events...I felt such jealousy of you holding your infants in their first moments...of never knowing the smell or sight or sound of a NICU room. And, as quickly as those thoughts entered, God squashed them. He smashed them with this simple truth- You, my daughter, are NOT in control of this. I have it, I have always had it, and I will hold it together. Let me do this.
Just typing that makes my stomach turn. It was so true. So true that it ached like a hole in the center of my chest. I was so busy asking WHY?!! Why me?! Why us? PITY PITY PITY!! I had lost sight of God's sovereignty and spit in His loving face.
The next hour was recovery. Where I got to see family so briefly it wasn't even fair. Dr. Reinhardt spent time with me, reassuring me, just talking to me. My mom and dad got to meet him finally and I cried as my dad tearfully thanked him for taking such good care of me. Soon, the NICU nurses came up to tell me that River's situation was not just a case of "wet" lungs from not being squeezed through the birth canal (which, to be honest, is what I assumed). Instead, xrays showed he had underdeveloped lungs...which would mean a longer stay in the unit...which would mean I was probably going home at the end of the week with an empty infant carrier in the back seat. Been there...done that. I cried and told them honestly that I just didn't understand. I still don't.
They rolled my bed into the NICU guys....seriously. I rolled up in that place like the Queen of freakin Sheba. They rolled me up to his bed where I was allowed to barely touch him and barely speak. I saw him for maybe 5 minutes and was taken up to my post partum room.
The details that follow leave me a little confused...but this is sort of how it went-
He was on CPAP...but had to be put on a ventilator to administer Surfactant into his little lungs and give them much needed rest. Dr. Cabrera, our beautiful and precious neonatologist, wasn't sure the Surf would work, but felt it was definitely worth a shot. Well, we now have TWO babies who were successfully treated with Surf! Thank you March of Dimes! He responded well and was only on the vent for a little more than half a day. He progressed quickly after that. His O2 sats kept going up while his dependency on O2 through a tube decreased. He finally got to eat after a few days...and I had worked my butt off for those tiny vials of milk! His billirubin levels teetered near the more dangerous levels but never quite got there. Soon, those levels went down. Before we knew it, he was on a nasal cannula, weaning off of oxygen altogether.
We both held him before we left the hospital. As precious a moment as it was with Maddy. Talk about delayed gratification. To only touch a foot or a finger and then suddenly to hold them all at once on your chest. OMG. The emotions that flow...the relief that floods. Such peace and grace in that moment.
Before we left that Saturday, we spent a few hours by his bed, holding him and kissing him. I cried a few tears and hugged our sweet nurse, Paige, and we left. In the elevator, Chris and I stood for a moment in silence. Then, we kissed and gave each other a high-five...no weeping this time. We were leaving a healthy baby in capable hands and we were trusting God and those doctors/nurses to do their thing.
Sure enough, every time we visited, he had made new progress. He was moved to the ICN- intermediate care nursery and we began to care for him more and more on our own. We settled into a routine of spending early mornings and late nights with him while spending time during the day with Maddy. We just waited for the day he would come home.
During those days, God worked on me big time...helping me prepare my heart to be fully ready to be mom to two kids. He healed my brokenness and filled me with joy and hope. He met me every day at River's bedside. We would all stand and gaze down at that baby and my sweet Lord would whisper the sweetest things to my heart. "This is my boy. See how I healed his lungs? Do you see how perfect he has always been, even in his sickness? Believe me, you will know why one day. You and Chris are blessed to endure these trials...it is my way to lead you even through the dark."
What a sweet Father!! Don't you see? He has sent His son before us to make a way...but He will lead us through the fallen times...the times of defeat, just as He leads through the joyful times! He doesn't leave us. He stands beside us, does battle with us, and holds us up when our own strength fails. The best part?? He plans to use it all for His glory and for our good.
I cannot see it. He has not shown me the why yet. I can guess at some reasons...but He has not revealed his intentions.
For now, I know this:
Being a mom to two is not easy. I commend all of you who have gone before me. Well done!
Watching River breathe is sometimes like scratching an itch. Sometimes it provides relief...most of the time, it just begets more itching...and I cannot stop watching. Watching for a pull here...watching the rate of respiration.
Parents of babies who spend time in the NICU do not belong to some elite club. It would be pretty pitiful if we did. We hold no special cards or medals. We have a different understanding of our kids' anatomy...we know weird words...we feel for other NICU babies in very visceral and familial ways. Our hearts are stretched in different ways. We have fears that most parents cannot even imagine. But, mostly, we understand one another. If there is NO other reason for Maddy and River both struggling so in the beginning of their lives- it is enough for me and it is enough for Chris to get to love on and reach out to other parents who walk the same or similar paths. It has already come to be...and the opportunities continue to arise. If God only wishes to equip us uniquely for this purpose, that is enough reason for us.
The truest thing I know- "When I cannot stand, I'll fall on you." - Lord, I Need You by Chris Tomlin
Hope that All will be made Clear!
By now you know the gist of our most recent blessing, River's, entrance into our lives.
You know he arrived on April 5th, at 38.5 weeks gestational age and that he was admitted directly to the NICU for "premature" lungs. You know he was 7 pounds, 6 ounces. You know we were all shocked.
Here is what you may not know.
At 33 weeks, we began to see signs that I was possibly heading towards another joyful experience with PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension).
You should know that back when we found out we were expecting River, I hand-picked my doctor, Dr. Jeff Reinhardt with Longstreet Clinic, because of his experience and understanding of PIH and Pre-eclampsia. As our relationship with him grew, we learned to trust him fully, not with the typical skepticism with which you may approach a doctor. I put all my hopes for this pregnancy and birth in his hands and the hands of another amazing man and midwife- Jack McGuire. These two men collaborated on my case and took such good care of me that I find now that I miss them quite a lot.
In the weeks that followed that initial PIH scare, I was on bed rest and at the doc twice a week. I got to know River's heartbeat so well in those weeks. I heard them each time we did a non-stress test and each time we did an ultrasound. I knew with visual confirmation where each of his little body parts were, that his knees were the little bumps that kept poking out under my ribs, and that his sweet hands were always by his head. The evidence was always clear- River was in astounding shape...he was healthy and thriving. All great news! The bed rest was effective, as weeks passed we noticed my vitals were remaining stable and the signs weren't worsening.
My birth plan had been the same this time as it was the last- to have a natural labor and birth- to, in a selfish admission, redeem my last very frightening birth experience. I knew my chances were great of having another pre term baby, and in my desire to still have a natural VBAC, I did everything Dr. R and Jack told me I could to increase my chances. I worked on his positioning and took supplements to get my body ready. I did visualization, I read books, I prayed....I believed it would happen the way I wanted this time.
If I have learned anything in the past month, it is that I am a simple minded fool when it comes to "what will happen." I have no ability to gauge the future and base my decisions upon what is coming my way. I have no intuition or foresight. I am merely able to live my life day to day and do the best I can to be at my best.
When 37 weeks came and went, we rejoiced at my little victory of not having had a baby yet! We made it to term with this one and I could have thrown a party!!
To be continued....
You know he arrived on April 5th, at 38.5 weeks gestational age and that he was admitted directly to the NICU for "premature" lungs. You know he was 7 pounds, 6 ounces. You know we were all shocked.
Here is what you may not know.
At 33 weeks, we began to see signs that I was possibly heading towards another joyful experience with PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension).
You should know that back when we found out we were expecting River, I hand-picked my doctor, Dr. Jeff Reinhardt with Longstreet Clinic, because of his experience and understanding of PIH and Pre-eclampsia. As our relationship with him grew, we learned to trust him fully, not with the typical skepticism with which you may approach a doctor. I put all my hopes for this pregnancy and birth in his hands and the hands of another amazing man and midwife- Jack McGuire. These two men collaborated on my case and took such good care of me that I find now that I miss them quite a lot.
In the weeks that followed that initial PIH scare, I was on bed rest and at the doc twice a week. I got to know River's heartbeat so well in those weeks. I heard them each time we did a non-stress test and each time we did an ultrasound. I knew with visual confirmation where each of his little body parts were, that his knees were the little bumps that kept poking out under my ribs, and that his sweet hands were always by his head. The evidence was always clear- River was in astounding shape...he was healthy and thriving. All great news! The bed rest was effective, as weeks passed we noticed my vitals were remaining stable and the signs weren't worsening.
My birth plan had been the same this time as it was the last- to have a natural labor and birth- to, in a selfish admission, redeem my last very frightening birth experience. I knew my chances were great of having another pre term baby, and in my desire to still have a natural VBAC, I did everything Dr. R and Jack told me I could to increase my chances. I worked on his positioning and took supplements to get my body ready. I did visualization, I read books, I prayed....I believed it would happen the way I wanted this time.
If I have learned anything in the past month, it is that I am a simple minded fool when it comes to "what will happen." I have no ability to gauge the future and base my decisions upon what is coming my way. I have no intuition or foresight. I am merely able to live my life day to day and do the best I can to be at my best.
When 37 weeks came and went, we rejoiced at my little victory of not having had a baby yet! We made it to term with this one and I could have thrown a party!!
To be continued....
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A little honesty
This collection of moments seems so familiar. I have been here, felt this, feared that, and been able to control nothing once before. I am looking at Maddy from across the room, and my eyes tell me "look how perfect she is....look at her sweet curly hair, perfect blue eyes, and energetic body...she is absolutely perfect...even with a rough start at life." However, my heart takes me back to this:
And to think that this could all come to be again...this time with a baby boy...I am struggling to deal with it.
Besides the obvious issues that come with preterm birth, I am struggling with some very selfish emotions.
Ridiculous questions like these are banging around in my head:
Why can't I get the same chance at normal delivery as most women?
Why, after a totally different pregnancy, are we here again?
Do people think that I don't take care of myself?
Is River really going to have to struggle to do things that term babies do not? Will he really be treated with surfactant, IV antibios, tube feedings, telemetry, and tons of other possible interventions....created just to keep him alive and give him a chance at normalcy? Honestly?
Am I really going to have to spend the first weeks of River's life pumping and driving, and crying, and going home without him and feeling guilty? Really? It could happen that way again?
How freaking unfair. Seriously.
I want to know what contractions feel like. I want to know the power of my body...the experience that so many dread, I just want a shot at it.
I know this sounds petty, and I don't know why I am even considering putting this on the web for public perusal...but until you go through something like this, it is impossible to know what thoughts you are really capable of.
And honestly, this is just my human nature fighting for its say. These things are not true...I know that. I cannot begin to understand...but only try to hope.
The flip side of the coin is this-
Who better knows how to care for a tiny special baby than those of us who have already cared for one?
When I stand before the Lord one day, will He care more about how my babies entered the world, or how I loved and cared for them while they were mine?
Does this situation further allow me to minister and help people who walk this road after me?
Will Maddy and River also have a unique testimony, useful to the Lord, but also comforting to their own hearts?
Could I be looking back at this, in 4 weeks, and think "well, I am still pregnant....so all that worry was for nothing?"
all of my selfish feelings...the ones I allow myself to feel when it is really late at night and I am weak and scared...they are only keeping me from peace. And, I will let them go...after the shock and disappointment of this recent news turns to old news...I will pick them off of me and drop them to the floor like fuzz and move on to hope and peace and strength and resolve.
For now, I am stuck in a fight between the selfishness and the strength. I want say to you that I am fine no matter what happens...that in the event River does come in the same shocking, scary way as Maddy, I will graciously accept my lot...but right now, I cannot.
In experiencing all of this again, I have gone back to the following posts of mine to find hope....
http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/madelyn-eve-austin.html - written in the hospital just days after maddy was born.
http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/fridays-update.html - an update from the hospital just before we got to hold her
http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/our-little-easter-bunny.html - a little Easter miracle
http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/05/and-oh-how-my-heart-did-fly.html - How does God relate to Maddy?
and finally- http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2010/03/birds-story.html - the story I wrote to Maddy on her first birthday....recounting it all...but through the softer lens of time.
The common thread through all of those posts? Through that whole first year and still today? God has been so faithful and His love for Maddy is overwhelming and I know the same will be true for River. Eventually, that knowledge will be enough to calm my heart. I promise.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
This Fear is Not of the Father!
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. Psalm 34:18and19
This week I have found myself mired in sadness for the hurting of people around me. Strangers, even. It seems that with each passing day I hear of another tragic story...a sick and dying child, an ailing parent, a baby born too soon, loss of jobs, loss of trust. And, though it brings tears to my eyes and douses me in sadness, I think of how it must break the Father's heart. For, though He is sovereign, and all powerful, His heart breaks for His children, He mourns for their suffering, and He longs to be called upon to be our rescuer.
In my small mind, so much of the pain around me seems senseless and confusing. I cannot see past the earthly emotions and consequences...I cannot see the point.
Still, these phrases resound in my head lately-
"I hold all things together"
"I have gone before you"
"I will be given the glory"
"I have NOT forsaken you"
"I hold you in my hand and you can find rest in me"
In my own moments of weakness, when I begin to bend beneath the weight of my anxiety, fear, empathy, and simple-mindedness, I beg for peace in the knowledge that the whisperings listed above are promises...held true by the one who has redeemed my very soul, who loves my stinking heart, and who continuously defends my helplessness. Oh to only see His faithfulness, to know His plan is perfect, to trust and know Him fully.
For the hearts crumbling around me, for the tears, and the absolute pain, I have the same prayer: That we all lift our eyes above the things we can see and focus on the Father, lovingly waiting to be asked into the mess of our lives.
I hold all of these thoughts tucked so tightly in my heart. I cannot bear it any other way. Let us all fall on Him...trust on Him...and, above all, sing of His enduring love and endless faithfullness.
The name of the Lord is a strong tower, a help in time of need, a refuge for the weary. So thankful!
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. Psalm 34:18and19
This week I have found myself mired in sadness for the hurting of people around me. Strangers, even. It seems that with each passing day I hear of another tragic story...a sick and dying child, an ailing parent, a baby born too soon, loss of jobs, loss of trust. And, though it brings tears to my eyes and douses me in sadness, I think of how it must break the Father's heart. For, though He is sovereign, and all powerful, His heart breaks for His children, He mourns for their suffering, and He longs to be called upon to be our rescuer.
In my small mind, so much of the pain around me seems senseless and confusing. I cannot see past the earthly emotions and consequences...I cannot see the point.
Still, these phrases resound in my head lately-
"I hold all things together"
"I have gone before you"
"I will be given the glory"
"I have NOT forsaken you"
"I hold you in my hand and you can find rest in me"
In my own moments of weakness, when I begin to bend beneath the weight of my anxiety, fear, empathy, and simple-mindedness, I beg for peace in the knowledge that the whisperings listed above are promises...held true by the one who has redeemed my very soul, who loves my stinking heart, and who continuously defends my helplessness. Oh to only see His faithfulness, to know His plan is perfect, to trust and know Him fully.
For the hearts crumbling around me, for the tears, and the absolute pain, I have the same prayer: That we all lift our eyes above the things we can see and focus on the Father, lovingly waiting to be asked into the mess of our lives.
I hold all of these thoughts tucked so tightly in my heart. I cannot bear it any other way. Let us all fall on Him...trust on Him...and, above all, sing of His enduring love and endless faithfullness.
The name of the Lord is a strong tower, a help in time of need, a refuge for the weary. So thankful!
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