Our little Easter Bunny

Chris has been saying this whole week that Maddy is an Easter miracle. She is. I am constantly amazed at the determination of that little 5 day old cutie pie.

I haven't updated since Friday morning...so the last you know is that we changed a diaper and she took her vent out.

Friday afternoon we got to spend a lot of time with her. I was getting around a lot better and we made a few trips into just sit with her. I am having a lot of success pumping and she has only had to be supplemented with formula one time at the very beginning. I feel profoundly proud that I am at least getting that one part right!

Friday night was a rough night. My BP was way up and then all the storms blew through. We thought they would miss us...but we watched the weather and out of our window as the weather grew worse and worse. With that, my anxiety level rose. My baby was hooked up to a ton of wires and much needed oxygen and positioned not even 3 feet from two windows. I sat in the bed trying to remain calm...my pulse getting faster...when someone across the hall sneezed and I screamed a curse word while simultaneously bawling and laughing hysterically. We had visitors at the time and I was mortified by my outburst. I was strung so tightly that I had completely forgotten my manners. I didnt understand the reaction at all...the incessent crying and crazed laughter.

Once I had calmed down for a few minutes, the tornado sirens went off. We were shuffled into the hall. There i sat, barefeet and all, surrounded by 7 women holding their babies. Keeping them safe. I shook my leg to distract myself and tried not to cry. Chris and his dad left the ward to see if the NICU was open. (they close from 6:30-8:30 AM and PM for shift change and other duties) It wasn't. chris was able to see through a courtyard into her window and she was still all hooked up and in the same spot.

A few minutes later, they let us back into our rooms. I instantly sat on the bed and wept. Not 5 minutes later, I had another terrible reaction when Tammy's cell phone vibrated in her pocket, scaring her so much that she jumped. Her jumping caused me another jolt of uncontrolled panic and I ordered everyone to leave. At that same moment, chris took me by the arm and led me back to the hallway, 15 seconds before the sirens started. I sat there crying. My doctor came by and stood in the middle of all of us new moms and said "If you have a baby in the NICU, they are doing everything they can to move them away from the windows...but if they are hooked to O2, there is only so much we can do." I looked around...I was the only one not holding her baby. I wanted to ask "And are any of those people going to throw their body on top of my baby if they need to? I will if you just let me in there." But I just looked at the floor and prayed for the storm to pass quickly so that I could go lay eyes on her myself.

A few minutes passed and Chris told me to come back to the room. I put on my shoes and ate a bite of food before we headed in to see her. She was moved an extra 1/2 foot from the window, still sleeping soundly. Still, she was okay...totally oblivious to all the anxiety I had just experienced. I went to bed that night very agitated and didn't sleep well. I watched like 4 episodes of Golden Girls and 2 hours of infomercials.

The next day, yesterday, I was scheduled for release. They told me we could stay as late as 9PM but I knew it was time for me to leave. I was in some pain but said no to meds for a couple of hours so that I could be alert...because I knew that this could be the day I would get to hold Maddy. Well, sure enough, Debbie the nurse called and told us to come right away. You have probably seen the pictures on facebook. She unhooked the monkey and laid her on my bare chest...skin to skin. I could feel her every breath and heartbeat. I could hear little puffs of air coming from her tiny mouth. even though she was reattached to all those wires...she was really just attached to me. I couldn't believe how little she weighed. I have held many newborns in my time...nothing has ever felt so weightless, so fragile, as this little girl I was holding. I found that i held my breath everytime she moved. Chris and I kept our eyes on the monitor to check her stats. She fell asleep...right on my chest...and it was a miracle.

Later that day, Debbie called again for Dad to come do Kangaroo Care. KC is skin to skin with baby...and dads get to do it too. So, we headed back. And Chris unbuttoned his shirt and sat down while Debbie unhooked Maddy again and laid her on his chest. She curled up sort of on her side and looked up at him...her little eyes still a little woozy. He would say something and she would search for his face. She looks for him so much more than she does me. I figure she knows my voice much more and his seems familiar enough to be curious. She wet her diaper while he was holding her and pitched a royal fit. Found out later it was 1 teaspoon of urine making her so mad.

We both were sort of on cloud nine...well, not sort of. absolutely floating on air. I cried when we left her because I knew we were being discharged in a few minutes. Debbie hugged me and told me she would see us Tuesday. I cried all the way back to my room. Chris went to get the car and i sat beside the door...crying. I wanted to be home...I wanted Chris to get to sleep in a bed. I wanted to feel carpet on my feet and take a shower in my own bathroom. But I wanted nothing to do with leaving my baby at the hospital. You just don't ever imagine having to do it. I came in on Monday pregnant and now I am not...so I should have a baby in a carrier, right? They wheeled me down to Chris, still crying. I got in the car and took a deep breath. Chris put his hand on my leg and held it there like an knot tying a boat to the dock.

I drifted by last night. looking at her picture every 5 minutes. Chris and i both had our moments of complete emotional distress. Nothing triggered it. It was just like a natural tide...sadness, peace, joy, anguish, love...back to sadness.

I had so much pain last night. Everyone kept telling me to be better at taking my meds...that being home was different that being in a hospital where you bed moves for you and where you walk maybe 10 feet at a time. I sort of thought it was all bull. I did too much and I suffered. I woke Chris up so much last night, crying in pain, barely able to get out of bed to pee. I felt like I had taken 12 giant steps backwards to the first day after surgery. I didn't sleep well. I woke up with adrenaline in my blood...ready to go see Maddy. I didn't feel tired at all. Still hurting, I got myself ready, pulled hair into a ponytail (surprise surprise), threw on some powder, brushed my teeth, packed our pumping bag, and we headed out. Chris and I enjoyed the ride to the hospital. we listened to good music and talked about Easter.

We walked into the NICU and a nurse I'd never seen said "Oh, Maddy's parents. Wait until you see your little girl today."

Well, what a sight it was. She was off of her Cpap machine...off of oxygen...just had a little nasal canula (spelling?) that was keeping pressure on her nose. Her entire face was visible. She was zonked out with a small grin on her face, like she was saying "Yeah...this is better." I stood there looking at my sweet girl and Chris was just goofy grinning all over the place. It was incredible. I instantly felt the adrenaline leave my body. I felt instantly exhausted. All the energy I had seeped right out of me. I realized i was relaxing...seeing her so contented, so self sufficient, it let my body relax.

We both held her again, this time in a little pink onesie we brought for her first Easter picture. it swallowed her up...we havent had a chance to get Preemie stuff yet and the little bit we have been given hadnt been washed. So she wore a big girl onesie today. She was still hooked to a few monitor leads and her canula, but there was no elephant hose coming off of her head. We both got to kiss her face and toes, cradle her and look into her eyes.

I told her about Easter...well, not the whole story. I told her that Easter was a day that represented how much God loves her...the He loves her more than mommy and daddy ever could and that she will one day learn to love him back.

Chris told her about her nursery. He told her it had a lot of pink and she made a mad face...That's my girl!

It was time for her to eat, so she was tube fed and I fell asleep by her bed, pumping. When we left, it somehow felt different. Still a little sadness...still a little anxiety...but also a lot of excitement. We both felt that peace again...the one that soothes all the achy parts.

we called tonight to check on her...still doing great. We will see her again tomorrow and the next day, and the next day...until she gets a little bigger, a little stronger, learns to "suck, swallow, breathe" and then, soon, she will be coming home with us.

She is such a dream come true. I look at this picture of her little face...smiling a little...and i cannot believe she is our daughter. That we made such a feisty and amazing little person. It is the most overwhelming feeling in the world. We are so blessed.

Thank you for your prayers. we still have a way to go....but God is able to do more than what we could ever ask for or imagine....And oh how He loves us!