I want you all to know the story of little Madelyn Eve Austin. It is a bit long at this point, as we have a lot for you to catch up on.
I am going to be very honest...although not graphic...with you. I had a plan. It didn’t include a c-section or a 4-lb baby whose head is smaller than my own palm. It didn’t include medicine at all. My pan was to have Maddy between her due date and 42 weeks. I planned to go into labor and for Chris to be the incredible coach he was on his way to being. In fact, I had been caught saying to maddy “you can’t come out any earlier than May 23rd because Mama has to get the May June issue of hall county magazine to the printer and have most of July august finished so Mama can focus on you after you are born.” It all seems a bit indulgent and childish now and those expectations have probably made this experience a little harder to deal with. However, it does remind me why God is in charge and I am not. So we have to revise the plan somehow. So I can heal from the story you are about to read. So I can live between a hospital NICU and my house for the next couple of weeks. So I can get a magazine to press..so that when my baby does come home finally, I can finally bond with her. That is the new goal. This time I am leaving room for God’s adjustments where necessary.
So here is our story:
I had the sweetest little pregnancy. I wasn’t too sick in the beginning, my midwife appointments went smoothly, my vitals were good...I was surrounded by love and so was maddy- right from the start! You may remember that I really popped out around 26 weeks. Suddenly people wanted to know if I was “Due any moment” or “possibly having twins.” (Just some friendly advice- just because these thoughts enter your mind...they may not be helpful to an expectant mom who is already nervous about all things.) The reason I popped out was that God was making me a long skinny little baby who only had one direction to grow in my short torso- straight out.
Chris and started to take childbirth classes with Teresa Howard, who is A Labor of Love doula. Teresa helped to shape a new part of who I am. She has loved on me and Chris for about 4 weeks now and I have already grown to be a bit of a better person just in knowing her. She taught me so many things about myself and my relationship with Chris. She showed us how to find the beautiful and secret places in our marriage. So sweet are these places that it makes me ache a little to think of them. They are the connecting threads of a marriage that remind me that God intends marriage for a very special purpose...and He brought me and Chris together for reasons that are uniquely ours. Yes, a birthing class helped teach me this...it is amazing what you can learn when you open your eyes and ears to new things.
Well...the week of the Hooked UP event at Chestnut Mtn... things changed. I went non-stop from work at 8:30 am to almost 10pm those nights on feet that were so swollen, my shoes would be stuck. I didn’t sleep well that week...my face puffed up in places that only people closest to me could notice. I couldn’t bend my toes or ankles, couldn’t wear but one pair of flip-flops, couldn’t sit on the floor. I had a baby shower that Saturday- one I look back on in shock. I was terribly swollen and the following Monday, I found out why.
Monday, March 30- my midwife did a few routine checks on Maddy and said she was doing beautifully. I, however, was not. My blood pressure was around 150/99 when it needed to be its normal range of 130/78. She saw my feet and rolled my jeans up to reveal my swollen legs that had “pitted edema.” She pressed four firm fingers into the flesh below my knee and there remained 4 finger marks when she moved her hand. She put me on partial bed rest until my labs came back. I was told:
1- Work until 1pm each day and then work from bed.
2- Eat lots of protein because I was spilling lots of protein into my urine (an indication that my organs weren’t filtering correctly.)
3- Lay on my left side only when home.
4- Take blood pressure and keep an eye on it.
So we headed out. Scared. I was told to take the rest of that Monday off. So, Chris and I took that day to get adjusted to what I thought would be merely a week of inconvenience. I worked Tuesday until 1PM. When I got home and checked my blood pressure, it was 176/116. I called the doctor’s office immediately and was put on complete bed rest, 250 mg Methyldopa (spelling?) for blood pressure. Chris’ mom, Tammy, came down from Charlotte to help me. I set up a workstation downstairs. Computer and files by the couch, printer and fax nearby...after all, I had important work to do.
Come Saturday and Sunday, my BP was doing better- not great. I had a tough time with bed rest. I will admit that I tried to do too much. Chris and Tammy had to practically sit on my at times. But, in the end, I paid a pretty big price for my stubbornness.
Monday, April 6th- Chris and I went in for an ultrasound- which Maddy passed with flying colors. When we met with the midwife- my blood pressure was up, even though my feet and ankles looked better. But, my urine protein levels were up at 5+ (the week before they were 4+) and my platelets had been borderline. So, Chris and I were sent 1 mile down the road to North Fulton Regional Hospital for a 24 urine test and some more extensive blood work. Monday afternoon, I was admitted into Labor and Delivery and met a wonderful group of women that I have grown to love dearly. The first was Linda, the charge nurse- who made the best ice packs for my neck and made me laugh despite myself. The second was Katie, who was just IN CHARGE. She was there for me the first night...the night I became so sick.
Around 5PM Monday, I started to deteriorate. I have had to get help from Chris and his mom to remember some of this part. I only realized when I started going detail by detail, how serious this all really got.
All day, we had been told that I would have the results of all my tests back on Tuesday evening. So far, though, things didn’t look so great. I was put on IV meds for my blood pressure and started on Magnesium to avoid seizures due to the high pressure. The magnesium was wretched. My body felt like it was on fire. I ached like I had the flu and could never get comfortable. Maddy was mad as a hornet inside of me and kicked and kicked (what a strong and feisty baby- the nurses said) until I thought I was bruised. As the night progressed, I developed severe abdominal pain on my right side. Excruciating pain. I would liken it to hellacious indigestion that doesn’t relent, doesn’t lessen, no matter what meds you get, no matter what you do. I had headaches and began to sweat, all while knowing my BP was still too high. At the time, we didn’t know this, though it had been mentioned quietly, I was not only pre-eclamptic, but quite possibly developing HELLP syndrome.
A note on HELLP syndrome: What is HELLP Syndrome?
HELLP is the medical term for one of the most serious complications of pre-eclampsia, in which there is a combined liver and blood clotting disorder.
H stands for Haemolysis (rupture of the red blood cells);
EL stands for Elevated Liver enzymes in the blood (reflecting liver damage);
LP stands for Low blood levels of Platelets (specialised cells which are vital for normal clotting).
HELLP is as dangerous as eclampsia (convulsions) and probably more common, although it is less easy to diagnose.
Some specialists believe that HELLP may be on the increase for reasons which are not known.
What are the signs and symptoms?
HELLP syndrome may be preceded by clear signs of pre-eclampsia - most typically high blood pressure, protein in the urine and swelling of hands, feet or face. But, like eclampsia, it can also arise out of the blue without any of the classic warning signs. The typical presenting symptom is pain just below the ribs ('epigastric pain'), sometimes accompanied by vomiting and headaches. This pain is sometimes confused with the discomfort of heartburn, a very common problem during pregnancy. But, unlike heartburn, the pain of HELLP syndrome is not burning, does not spread upwards towards the throat and is not relieved by antacid. The pain is often very severe and is associated with tenderness over the liver.
We didn’t really know all the details...we just knew we could possibly have a baby this week. So, I sent Chris home...he was not a happy camper...to sleep and go to work because I truly thought I was going to be better and we would have more time. I was apparently living in a dream world. His mom and I experienced on horrific night together. I was checked on constantly. Tammy was either fanning me or fetching me things since I wasn’t allowed out of bed and nurses came and went frequently. At 5 AM they drew new blood and Tammy decided to call my parents in just in case. We called chris at 5:30 and called in to work to say he wouldn’t be there and headed back to the hospital. Word came to me and at 6:30 Chris received the text message from me that read : they are delivering me by c section at 8 this morning. He walked in 6:40 and at 7:30 I was begging the nurses and doctors to let me wait to see my parents. I received an epidural. The one thing I wanted the least was the one thing I couldn’t live without. Chris held me as I listened to David Crowder sing “You Never Let Go.” I remembver that I got through the whole song before the epidural was done... “Oh my soul, overflows. Oh what love! OH what love!”- the words that carried me through. My doctor postponed the section until 8:30 and I got to see and love on my parents just before they took me back.
For the previous 24 hours, Chris and I had been told all of the risks of having a 33 week old baby. Lung and heart issues...weeks on a ventilator, etc. We were told she probably wouldn’t cry right when she came out. Well, laying on that table, I was trying to be so brave and composed until I heard the loudest scream reach out to me from the other side of the curtain. I wept as my tiny little girl screamed for me: “Mama, I am okay. I am so strong. I was ready to meet you.” The surgeons tended to me while Chris watched the neo natal specialist tend to Maddy. He snapped her first picture and brought it over to show me. They brought her around and Chris and I kissed her little cap.
The whole family was able to see me after recovery. Just a few at a time. My sister fed me chicken broth and my brother came in from a snowy and fast-paced drive home from a camping trip. All Maddy’s closest family was able to be near us in some way. I was loved on and loved on. Chris got to see Maddy in the NICU and took family back one by one to see her. That night, Chris and I met Carol- the nurse who will always have a special place in my heart. She became a stronghold for both of us. She even watched a few minutes of Idol with me while Chris ran out to get a drink.
Still sick Tuesday night, I needed help sleeping. I was still on the epidural for pain and the magnesium for seizures. Chris checked on Maddy before bedtime. She had been breathing with only a little CPAP machine for a while that day, but had needed to be placed on a ventilator to give her lungs a break. He told me she was beautiful and showed me the pictures that you have all seen on facebook. I never thought I would see my baby’s first pictures the same way all of my friends would- on a computer screen.
Wednesday morning, I said goodbye to Carol and moved to a post-partum room. I was able to start to provide about 3cc’s of colostrum for Maddy- which helped me to feel I had really become a mom and wasn’t just recovering from surgery. I began to get agitated and emotional around 11. I wanted my meds off and to see my baby. I finally came off the magnesium, epidural, and some other wires around 3. I shook occasionally from pain and adrenaline. I cried uncontrollably and my left leg was very slow to regain mobility and I stumbled twice trying to get into the wheelchair. But I got in and Chris wheeled me down the hall to see Maddy for the first time.
The NICU is a peaceful place. It smells like caramel coffee creamer and there is a sense of peace and anticipation...as though something miraculous is always happening. We wheeled up to the tiniest little baby in an open bed. She was under bilirubin lights because she had become a bit jaundiced. They turned of the bili light and took off the little goggles on her eyes. I was in a wheelchair so I could only see her from her feet up. They were tiny, papery, and purple. She squirmed. She had tubes all over. Her legs looked like they were made of parchment paper. She is so sensitive to everything that I could only apply light constant pressure to her skin. I pressed my thumb into her foot a little and she pushed back. I whispered so as not to set off her alarms. And I cried. All the emotions you expect to feel the first time you see your baby...love, awe, passion...I felt them. But I also felt crushing guilt and fear. She wasn’t supposed to be out yet. She wasn’t meant to be hooked up to tubes and laying topless on a table. She was still supposed to be beneath my heart. Yet, there she was. Less than 4 pounds, only 30 hours old. I prayed for her lungs to grow strong. I prayed for her to please still love me even though I got her here too early and couldn’t hold her or kiss her.I got to see her once more yesterday. I started to feel and look like Eryn again at 4 or so...after I took a sponge bath and had my hair washed. I hugged and kissed my sweet husband and spent time with my family. And I started to walk! My left leg decided to join the party.
At 9 last night, I pumped and walked my baby’s food down to her...slowly...tearfully...clinging to Chris for support. She seemed smaller. I stood beside her and looked in her face for the first time. She had on little soft goggles to protect her eyes from the bili lights. I cried more and then composed myself and washed up really well. Then I walked up and put one hand on her feet and the other hand on her head. I applied the tiniest bit of pressure to both ends. In the span of my two hands, I held my Maddy. I looked at the tiny shell of her ear...the fuzzy head of hair that we still think could be a little red. I looked at her sinewy arms, long fingers, her long legs...her tiny chest and that belly working so hard to bring in air. I told her things. That I loved her more than she would ever know. That God had made her just for me and Daddy. That there would never be another Maddy Austin. That she was so strong. That we would keep her safe. That she was the story God wanted me to write the most.
She began to squirm and I could feel she wanted to cry, though the tubes kept any sound from escaping. I grew upset that I couldn’t do anything...so chris collected me and we slowly came back to our room where I was given the meds that I had put off to go see her. Chris and I sat and talked about when we were dating...we listened to songs we had loved back then. We laughed. I got to look at my husband and see a totally new man. As if he could get any better, he is forever changed. And sitting with him last night, I realized that this wasn’t either of our plans. We couldn’t have forseen or changed it...we don’t know why it happened. But we are special family with a special and unique story. Chris and I will never be the same after the trials of this week. I will never doubt his courage, faith, or incredible love for me.
It is 5 AM and I am typing this into my phone. Long as this story seems, I beg you to stay tuned. Maddy has only started to tell her story.
My heart aches for you and Maddy and Chris. But I am so proud of you and the journey you are walking bravely right now... call me if you need me! I look forward to seeing you, Chris and Maddy soon.
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