Thursday, July 30, 2009

so much to say so much to say

I know what you are thinking. What a lazy blogger you are Eryn!
Well hush. I know this, okay?

I have so many things inside of me that I want so badly to put into words but they do not come to me as easily as they did once. It's like I have put up a wall or a door or some other form of blockage. I can peek over and around the block but I cannot bust through. I am using this blog and my personal journal as a battering ram. Bang bang bang...soon I will be on the other side.

Today is one of my days off. Every week I work, in the office, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have not a care in the world other than Maddy. At first, this going part time thing was not my cup of tea. it meant less pay coming in to an already parched bank account. With Chris out of work at the time, I thought, "Oh geez! Why now!" Not even a week later, Chris was offered the job at the hospital, and though it is not the pay we were hoping for, it was a huge answer to prayer. Which shouldn't surprise us.

God has been immensely and endlessly faithful to us these past 4 months. I could never have anticipated the rollercoaster of stress and fear and sadness that I have been on these last 16 weeks. I struggled. I struggled to stay positive. I struggled to make sense of everything. Even the smallest hiccup in my day could render me helpless and in tears. I wasn't a good enough mommy or wife or daughter or small group leader. Instead of dealing with the circumstances head on, I began to sink beneath them.

Then, with His usual subtle ways, God began to lift me out. I think He'd put up with me long enough. He began to remind me of how far He is willing to go to prove His love. He put money in our mailbox, He made bills come in lower than we expected, He comforted us in the times we could barely see straight from exhastion. His timing has been infallible! I am still trying to process it all. My sweet sweet loves-me-like-a-maniac Father has never left us!

Everyday I look at my precious little bird and see His love all over her. She and God go hand and hand. Where she is, He is. I cannot wait to see how He uses her life, how she expresses His love to others. I am positive it will blow my mind.

So, here I am, with my little bird napping happily in her swing, and I am thankful for our circumstances. Even in our uncertain financial situation, even with the constant juggling of money, I am thankful.


A few people have asked me if there will be any long term effects of Madelyn's early entry into the world. I can completely understand that question....though it is hard for me to hear sometimes. the truth is: you never know. She has been tested for brain function- perfect results. for hearing- perfect results. for eye sight- perfect results. She is coming out of her reflux slowly...a few bad days here and there is better than horrible days on end. She is a little over 16 weeks old...almost four months...and she is still not great with holding her head up....she is just now making true eye contact with objects and people and following things around. she watches cartoons now with interest. She reaches for things sometimes...but that is rare. she laughs easily, but that is no surprise. so, is she developmentally delayed? Probably. intellegently? I don't think so. will she always be a little slower to do things? I have no idea. I hope not. but, if so, she will conquer each new challenge with the same energy and committment she has used thus far. Will she be smaller than most kids her age? there's a chance...but if she takes after the scrappy women in her lineage...size won't matter! ha.

So, that's all I can really speculate. I do know that regardless of what comes our way, we will be fine. She is no ordinary little girl, that is for sure!

Warning: the following may make apparent some of my frustration...read with caution.

The final thing I just want to explain is why Chris and I have chosen attachment parenting. I am not going to go into all of the reasons....but will give you the basics. Hopefully this will eliminate the odd looks and the unwelcome opinions that I have endured for a while now, especially from people I do not really know.
One- it is highly recommended for premature babies.
two- it is highly recommended for Eryn Austin. I prayed and prayed about it. I read and read about it and other parenting styles. AP made the most sense for me and maddy.

Yes, we cosleep her. Go ahead and gasp. It is amazing. she sleeps through the night and if she wakes up, I only roll over and tend to what she needs. she has slept in her bassinet one night and did great there also...which doesnt surprise me. she is a content sleeper.

we practice a lot of baby wearing. We have a moby wrap, a maya (on loan), and a snugli. Each has a unique purpose and are used for different occasions.

We do not cry it out. that is all i am going to say about this one.

We are flexible though. we adapt with her changing needs and we will continue that for the long haul. Her independence may have her sleeping in her crib before we know it. I am not holding onto expectations.

I am well educated, well read, and well researched. I did read Baby Wise and knew it wasn't for us, but re-read it just in case. Same thing...not for us. My advice to those of you who are preparing to travel this road...read read read. Nothing is going to fit every single new family. But after realizing how much AP is looked down upon, I have decided that people just need more information about it. It is simply giving your baby what they need when they need it. It is simply realizing that tiny babies do not manipulate...they communicate. It is not hippy dippy, it is not "weird", it is attaching yourself to your baby in a way that allows you to better understand and anticipate their needs. AP is so much more than all of this but it doesn't matter. I just cannot stand another fishy look when someone finds out we co-sleep our child. I cannot stand it and I am going to burst! I am doing the best i can and she is happy. I am happy, we are happy.

And I am done! sorry. I just feel so judged and unfairly so. I try so hard not to impress my ideals on people...i just wanted this explained once and for all. i dont expect everyone to agree...just to respect it.

3 comments:

  1. Eryn, I applaud you and enjoy reading your blogs. I graduated with Allison so I know we have met but it was many moons ago.
    We also practiced AP with our Kaileigh. She is 9 now and shockingly to everyone...she is just fine! :) More than fine, actually!
    I too read Baby Wise and threw it against a wall in our living room when Kaileigh was two months old. I will admit she "cried it out" for 15 minutes one time and I still get sick to my stomach when I think about those terrible 15 minutes.
    She moved into her big girl bed when she was 5 years old but still finds her way to our bed from time to time and that is completely fine with me. Should we ever be blessed with another baby, we will do the same again.
    Much love and prayers!
    Amanda (McHenry) Kirk

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  2. Gosh, I'm only just getting around to reading again!

    Where to start... I guess my first suggestion is to return those quirky weird glances you get from non-AP people and say this is just our style and it works for us. Agree to disagree with those people. Parenting is about what works for you and yours - and not following someone else's agenda - even if what you do is out of the norm for your friends. Go with what comes naturally to you... you can't fight your nature without tearing your heart out so to speak.

    In the days following the birth of my oldest (now 8) I learned that her crying hurt my heart. I can't listen to a baby cry without getting teary myself ... so when she cried I did too! Not a pretty picture when pulled over on the side of the 400 during rush hour! (HA!) She was 6 weeks, I was sleep deprived... I called my dh on the phone in tears, panicked and he thought something bad had happened! He coaxed me back into the car for the 2 minute drive home... and told me to put up with her screaming so that we could handle it together.

    I could go on. Suffice it to say - that I went home ordered a Bjorn, and then a Maya a little later and like you use them for different purposes. Dh loves the Bjorn, I love my Maya! I found support of fellow AP'ers online, and learned to agree to disagree with others ... and ended up co-sleeping with 2 of my other 3... Erin is well on her way there too. I went out on a limb, AP'd, coslept, cloth diapered! Does that make me crunchy?? LOL! (Excellent!)

    In my circle of friend's who aren't AP, I'm the crazy mum with the baby on my chest or hip sleeping, while the others are contentedly lounging in their strollers. We're all happy.

    Its okay to be different, just ignore the stares!

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  3. Oh, fwiw... ET is in the Bjorn while I type, fast asleep... it is the only place she will sleep at the moment.

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