In All Honesty...

You know, what the world needs most is authenticity. I feel like we live in a world where words don't really mean what they should...where smiles are often false, and where encouragement comes in a lowly second place to judgment. How pitiful.

I figure, a transparent skin is more valuable than a tough one...so I will bear some soul in this post for ya!!

I have battled some scary little parts of myself over the past two years. I have seen the worst in me come bubbling to the surface and have not always been successful at squashing it back down. I have felt utter despair and fear...I have experience self-doubt in a way that left me crippled emotionally. I have looked at myself in a mirror and said, aloud, "You can't do it. You just cannot do it." I believed it was true. I couldn't be a good mom. I couldn't save my family from financial turmoil. I couldn't love my husband the way he deserved to be treated. I couldn't do anything right.

Still, threaded between all of that was a thick rope of hope that I really couldn't ignore. Even in my saddest moments, I clung to hope that it would all work out. I grabbed onto Maddy and fed off of her enthusiasm and joy. I loved my husband with a deep and feral ferocity. I dug into the pit of who I am and scrounged around for toughness and resolve. I picked myself up out of the bed each day with hope!! Hope! Hope! Hope!!

My point in telling you this is to grab your hand and let you know that the struggles we all face, the pain we cope with, the fear we battle...it is all relative. It is all weak and we just have to find its achilles heel and strike it down.

Hope is not vacant...it does not exist as a sentiment we can say we feel but never touch in reality. It is action and reaction and alive. Hope is what you decide to do, how you decide to use your life. To me, hope comes from the Lord. His provision and love for me. He is hope because He chose me and saved me against all proof that I was undeserving. That hope is in my life for me to use as I please. I can choose to ignore it, as I have often done, or I can weild it as a weapon.

In the past 24 hours I have received 4 emails from women I know, respect, and love. Women from all walks of life...single, married...mamas and mamas in waiting. All of them have expressed completely different struggles and all of them make my heart yearn for their comfort and peace. I do not have any answers. I do not know how to solve the riddles of the mind and heart. I do know what it feels like, though. And I am here to offer what I can...honesty.

For today, I choose Philipian 4:8- Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (The Message)

Through the ups and downs of my days, and the moments when I, for even a second, feel inadequate, I think this- what is beautiful in this day? What am I thankful for?

Today's answers- The boy beside me with dimples. The curl in my hair (that is often a source of complaint). Coffee!!! A hug from my husband when he walks in the door in a few hours. Food on my table.

Once you start, the list continues...then you will find, there is no room in that precious heart of yours for negativity or doubt. Be strong in joy and fearless with your love.

This Fear is Not of the Father!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. Psalm 34:18and19

This week I have found myself mired in sadness for the hurting of people around me. Strangers, even. It seems that with each passing day I hear of another tragic story...a sick and dying child, an ailing parent, a baby born too soon, loss of jobs, loss of trust. And, though it brings tears to my eyes and douses me in sadness, I think of how it must break the Father's heart. For, though He is sovereign, and all powerful, His heart breaks for His children, He mourns for their suffering, and He longs to be called upon to be our rescuer.

In my small mind, so much of the pain around me seems senseless and confusing. I cannot see past the earthly emotions and consequences...I cannot see the point.

Still, these phrases resound in my head lately-

"I hold all things together"
"I have gone before you"
"I will be given the glory"
"I have NOT forsaken you"
"I hold you in my hand and you can find rest in me"

In my own moments of weakness, when I begin to bend beneath the weight of my anxiety, fear, empathy, and simple-mindedness, I beg for peace in the knowledge that the whisperings listed above are promises...held true by the one who has redeemed my very soul, who loves my stinking heart, and who continuously defends my helplessness. Oh to only see His faithfulness, to know His plan is perfect, to trust and know Him fully.

For the hearts crumbling around me, for the tears, and the absolute pain, I have the same prayer: That we all lift our eyes above the things we can see and focus on the Father, lovingly waiting to be asked into the mess of our lives.

I hold all of these thoughts tucked so tightly in my heart. I cannot bear it any other way. Let us all fall on Him...trust on Him...and, above all, sing of His enduring love and endless faithfullness.


The name of the Lord is a strong tower, a help in time of need, a refuge for the weary. So thankful!

On Trusting Him....

So far, 2011 has brought me ample amounts of anxiety and fear. I am ashamed to admit this, but at the risk of sounding pitiful, I am terrified. I have fought through the last two days to uphold my dignity and not crumble into a puddle of tears. I have succeeded in that I alone have witnessed this puddle in my own bedroom on my own time.

I am fearful because the last two years have brought so many unexpected and at times, detrimental, changes to our lives. I look forward to 2011 and cannot see how any of this will change. Here I am, blessed to be carrying our second child, a sweet boy, and yet I am scared of his arrival in just a few months. I am unsure of how we will make it. I am fearful that I will not be good enough to handle two wonderful kids, a marriage, three part time jobs, etc. I have a foreboding that I will simply crumble beneath the pressure.

I look at all of the plans we have made over the past two years...plans to rescue ourselves from the financial pit we are in. I look at how hard Chris is working, the terrible hours, the laborious school work. I see how little time we have to focus on our marriage. It all just comes together to make an indecipherable picture.

This is the source of my anxiety. How can I look forward with hope when I feel so much fear?

I guess the answer comes down to who I believe Christ is and what I believe His feelings towards me are. The easy answers do not apply here. I am searching deep within my heart to find my true, authentic answers to these two questions. Who is Christ? What does He feel for me? Tough questions. But, I believe my peace resides in the solution. I believe that my ability to get out of bed tomorrow depends on these questions.

For now, I resolve to pray and read. For, surely, God has entrusted us with a special set of circumstances for a purpose. Surely, there is an end in sight, one that provides us security and peace? Because, if this is not so, I will not make it. I cannot endure a life where God's plan is simply to allow us to be put on a ledge and left there for no reason, for no determined amount of time. This simply cannot be.

So, trusting Him has become an actively difficult matter. My love for Him endures, but my ability to trust without second thought is lost. Gone. How shameful, right?

How can I look to my Savior and have a second's doubt? When it has never been so in my life before? Who have I become that I cannot see the sovereignty and grace of my God as enough?

The truth is that I know these things are enough. I know that when I take time to look around, at my husband and daughter, at my family, at the things we own, God gave them all to me out of His love and grace. Undeserving of any of it, I count these blessings with heavy weight. But, most of all, His grace and my salvation are steadfast. They are not dependent on my fears or on my circumstances. He stands firm as always, and I am the one faltering. So, I continue on this road with my fear strapped on tight, but also with a thread of hope that, despite myself, God will do a huge work in our lives. That He will make the path known at the right time, and that along the way, He will cover us in love and mercy.

Learning to Live Like Giants

Once you are over your shock that I am finally updating my blog, I hope you will enjoy this little insight into something I have learned over the past few months.

Since Maddy was born, Chris and I have been under a transformation. Many, actually. We both experienced job changes (mine was more of job additions...), we both turned into parents (the most miraculous transformation of all), and we are both learning that in order to survive this time in our lives, we must be larger than life.

When I look back on the past months, I see so many moments when we really should have just crumbled beneath all the pressure. Plenty of opportunities have presented themselves that could have delivered a damaging blow to our marriage, our family, our happiness. I know that I was weak in those moments, I know that I thought "why is this happening?" and "what are we going to do??" I know that I questioned God's plan in our lives. I have realized this and repented it. Because, in the end, HE was faithful, HE answered the questions, and HE provided when we were in need.

This road is a long one. We have another two years to go (at least) before we get out of this financial hole. We have plans, and dreams...and hope that spans our lifetime! It is just a road of small steps on the way to all of that.

So, in the meantime, we have learned to grow beyond ourselves. At the point when we feel like falling over from exhaustion, or retreating into isolation from the frustration, we have to get be bigger and larger than ever. For Maddy...for our marriage. Often this is simply choosing positive thoughts and words over negative. Sometimes it means Chris stays up for 48 straight to be there for maddy or myself in between long nights at the hospital. For me, this means I often put on a brave and happy face even at my most exhausted and overwhelmed- checking off the to-do list, getting the jobs done.

For our marriage, this is simply putting aside expectations and supporting one another. It is finding humor in absolutely everything and treasuring the brief moments we have with one another. Being a giant for us is doing something we absolutely have no time for, just because we know it will lessen the load for one another or bring a smile to our faces.

This time in our family's life is good for testing our mettle. To see what we are really made of. To see if we can make it through with joy intact! I would say, sure we will! By the Lord's grace alone!

To live like a giant, to grow beyond ourselves...it requires this- less of us, more of Jesus.

The Simple Answer

There was once a time when I, being young and precocious, thought that I had an answer for all of the questions. Even if I didn't know the ACTUAL answer, I did my best to come up with a plausible response. In college I found that a few big words, a little cynicism and a dose of humor would usually do the job.

As I have grown older, and begrudgingly found myself an adult, I find I cannot even fathom the answer to many questions. Be they questions I ask myself, or questions asked of me, I just don't have the answers.

Rather than work to conjure up something to respond with, knowing it would be just a hollow lie, the simple answer is - I just don't know.

I find solace in the fact that 1- I just don't need to have all the answers, and 2- it is barely summer and so hot you can fry an egg on the concrete. Both give me immense comfort and allow me to simple bow out of any explanation requested.

The first is comforting because I know that He who holds the answers, and my heart, will remain faithful. He has gone before me.

The second because summer reminds me of my fabulous childhood. It makes me think of watermelon on the front porch, lazy rides down the Suwannee River, and late night movies with my daddy.

So, for now, despite all of the pressing, nagging, gnawing questions....I will choose the simple answer and leave the rest alone.

When Your Heart Feels Jumpy

You all know how this tricky life will throw a nice fat curve ball right over the plate just as you have settled in to your routine. BAM! You don't duck fast enough or you mistakenly step into it- and get popped in the eye.

I have a little sting lingering from my latest go 'round with life. After a year of very special challenges, Chris and I had begun to breathe a little again. We were still trying to make it with 40% of our income gone, but had found ways of making it work pretty well. There were still times when the debt collectors called, there were still nights when I didn't sleep a second for worrying over money, and there were still sweet moments that blew us away.

Just last week, we had another change. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say- I am enjoying a new adventure in life as a work-at-home mama. The magazine is still going strong, we have great editorial lined up for next issue. However, in order to be the best magazine we can be, we have had to make significant changes. One of which entails me working from home on a freelance basis. Still the senior editor, I will continue with my normal responsibilities, just on a very part time basis. The good news? I make decent money per hour! The bad news? That money has to last the three months that span a single issue of the magazine. So, we are back at a scary place, standing toe to toe with this new adventure- and I am so totally ready!

I have always said that I love a risk. Well, I am taking one now. Deciding to take this opportunity and make it work for me, I have committed anew to the following things:

1. Dusting off my novel and putting it back into my daily routine. Scariest of all, this one gives me nervous butterflies in my tummy.
2. Building my freelance portfolio. Helping local businesses with their creative copywriting needs.
3. Writing things I never had time for before- like this here blog you like to read!
4. Being an attentive and thoughtful wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
5. Crafting! I have so many ideas, so many crafts that sit idly in my closet waiting to be completed. 

The Eryn from a 9 months ago would have buckled under this pressure. She would have found 15 negative things to say about herself and her life. She would look at the empty bank account and the stack of bills and curse her bad luck. She would cry, cower behind disingenuous smiles, and pray bitter, hardened prayers.

This Eryn, this Philippians 4:8 Eryn, (or as Cleve would say- Phil. 4:6-8!!!!) is facing this new challenge head on. With a little pluck and a lot of that Roush toughness, I plan to ROCK this new adventure. I plan to PLAY with my daughter whenever I please. I hope to make time to sit and TALK to my beloved mother and sister. I plan to make good money, doing what I love, for no more than 15 hours a week! And, I plan to open my heart, even though it is still a little jumpy, and let God do a new work in me. He makes ALL things good, He creates ALL things anew, and He uses ALL circumstances to shout His glory and fame throughout my life. Oh the freedom.

If you've followed me this past year, if you have read even half of the story of Maddy's birth and the following months and what they brought with them, you know that this is a HUGE step for me. You know the despair and fear I have fought. I invite you to hold me accountable, to keep me in check. But mostly, I invite you to bolster yourself with courage. For you all know your own troubles, your own nagging worries, and your own personal nightmares. Take courage, take the risk, and acknowledge the blessings that come your way. I hope you will fill your heart with encouraging dialogue and with the knowledge of Scripture. Then take on a piece of this world!

At the lake last week, Chris and I admired these precious goslings. I thought, "That mother must be so scared to have her babies so near to the road. How awful to not understand your surroundings, to stand in constant watch and guard, and to only be able to honk from afar if one wanders too close to a passing car."

Then I realized, this is just life. We live it everyday...walking in a parallel line with the unknown, wondering when our paths will cross and everything will change. I take heart in knowing that my little life is at least secure in God's faithful hands.

Here's to taking one bold step after another.

Think on THIS!

I am sitting here in what is basically - the dark. My living room is all shadows and TV reflection as Tammy and Bobby watch Everybody Loves Raymond. I am so tired! Like beat my head against a wall to stop being awake- TIRED! But...sitting proudly aboard that tiredness is contentment- carrying a brightly colored banner- showing off, in fact. It was a long way up, but contentment has officially risen to number one on my emotional countdown.

My life is SO far from perfect...even so far from the life I want to be living...and yet, I am content. And each day, I work for that contentment. I choose to look at the world, not as hinging on every single thing, but on a grander scale- one in which I am a mere player and not the starring role.

I could get so bogged down in the money that still isn't there, even a year later. I could bury myself beneath my worries and fears of being a bad mom, a poor wife, and a failure to the kingdom. I could even swim in the tears I have shed over this past year.

Still, in Philippians 4, Paul begs, ^"6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

And, I think, even with all the troubles that lay heavy on my heart, isn't there also inconceivable joy? Do I not also have friends and family who love and stand by my little family with ceaseless prayer and petition on our behalf? Can I not pray and petition, also? Rather than moping and self-pity, can I find the LOVELY in my life every day and rejoice in that? Can I take my tiny picture and put it against the big one and accept that no matter the size of my troubles, someone else is currently suffering more?

Well, UH YEAH! I can do all of that. It is ridiculous to think otherwise. And everyday, as I purposefully choose peace and contentment, I will have more time to be a fun mom, a devoted wife, and a more observant servant in this world. WIN...and WIN!

I hope that you feel peace- not in the absence of trouble, but within the mire. I hope that we all step back from observing our own lives as less than perfect, and view that imperfection as God's ability to save us regardless!

Now, I will close with a reminder that when something breaks in our lives, a dam lets loose and its waters breach your heart, that is when God can reveal His love and grace in ways not felt before. A perfect example- a year into this awful, make me shake in my boots, financial situation- we are still surviving. We don't have much, we can't afford to give much, but we are still here, against all odds. And this little girl will never remember the days when her mommy and daddy struggled so. She will only remember the laughter. And of course, the love.

Stones, Amoxicillin, Saggy Baggy Eyes

Weeks like this one get under my skin, test my strength, and leave me feeling empty- though I know I am not.

From the complete and utter terror of a night in the ER with Maddy on Monday- the screaming, the ridiculous fevers, the wheezing and coughing. My heart- I swore it would just cease to beat at all. Terrible. Please believe me that it was terrible. Even with a great support system surrounding us- I felt completely helpless, totally guilt stricken, and endlessly exhausted.

From that point on, we have all simply existed to keep Maddy comfortable, loved upon, and healthy. Everyone in our house and my mom's house has had their turn with the meds and breathing treatments. Through it all, even the screaming, Maddy has remained her same precious and sweet baby self. In tears and in pain, she would still try to crack a smile at us or giggle when the cats ran by. She is made of sterner stuff than I for sure!

Chris had finals this week on top of that, and it was deadline at the magazine. Stress? AH YEAH! Sleep? When we got the chance! Even Tammy is ready to fall over from exhaustion I am sure.

I will spare you the rest of the details but today is just Thursday and this week has also included:

1. Identity Theft
2. An entire day (7-7) of meetings (fun but exhausting)
3. Busted trash bag all over kitchen
4. Job insecurity
5. Realizing that I am just not going to get it all right. I just can't.
6. Countless tears. 
7. Reading about Jacob setting up stones as memorials for things that God had done in his life.

This 7th part really is the reason I am writing. Not for you few who may read my words...but for me. To hold myself accountable for recognizing this week not as a burden, but as a blessing. To look not to the negative (croup, exhaustion, insurmountable stress), but to look to the overwhelming positive (amazing family, sacrificial love, God's fullness of grace). I could set up a stone for this week. For a week that I have almost survived (thinking positive), for a week that has taught me that my strength should mirror my daughter's, for a week that has shown me the power of selflessness. A stone for this week could be a bottle of amoxicillin or a footprint because Jacob's name meant "heel" and I AM a heel! A stone could be my heart- yet again, stretched, bent, expanded until there is room to hold all of this in.

We must not only place stones to remember the good times...the times of abundance and prosperity. Stones must remind us of the times we persevered, the times we trusted God and the strength of our hearts, and the times when we were forced to find joy in the simplest moments- sometimes the hardest part of all.

Making the Most of the Least

Do you know how I came to realize that I was a writer?

I was 19 and in college. Enrolled in exercise science classes, hoping to make a life of being a BodyPlex gym rat, and offering impeccable personal training to a loyal clientele. I took one day of Kinesiology, almost threw up from the fear, and went home to cry. Sitting in the floor of my bedroom I cried to my mom on the phone about not knowing "Whaaa whaaa I'm gonnnnna dooohoohooo." DRAMA. She asked me "Hey...what do you love to do?" Well, sing, dance, throw the football, flirt with cute guys, sit on the porch and drink coffee, go to the beach, play with Cooper and Avery. What kind of life will I make of THAT?

Writing. What I had done to fill countless numbers of journals over the years! I even used writing to communicate my most earnest prayers to the Lord. I had been writing poetry and music since I could hold a pencil. But, how could I ever make a living out of that?

What I learned, once I had AGAIN changed my major- this time to English, with a Creative Writing concentration, was that writing was actually conducive to all of the things I wanted out of life, which included but were not limited to:

• To glorify and love the Lord with my every little breath and whim.
• To reach out to teenage girls (whom I was working with often at that time in my life) where they were (which was sometimes two states away from me)- hence my first blog being born in 2004...yes blogging existed then!
• To express all of the richly colorful ideas and thoughts floating around in my head.
• To share with the world all of the many ways in which I was learning to enjoy and celebrate life. 
• To be a blessing to my family and my future husband and children.
• To make a living.

Beyond all of that, however, I have found that I was simply born to put pen to paper. I love words in a profound and deep way that I had never realized until I was struck with my seemingly limited prospects of future success.

The point in all of this? To see beyond the mundane, personal barriers we falsely erect in lieu of actually DREAMING and STRIVING. To see beyond it and find that Voila! There is always something that can be made great...even if it seems insignificant.

By the way- my love of "playing with Cooper and Avery" filled the early posts of my first blog- the Worn Pages and actually helped earn me my first job in publishing. You just never know.

Back to the Beat

I flounder.
Like a flopping fish on a sandy beach- I flip from side to side...one side contentment- the other total discomfort.

I don't know why exactly other than that I am imperfect and slightly fickle. There are days when I look around at my very full life and want for nothing. But there are also days when I feel completely foreign in my own environment. I liken it to the feeling as a kid of being homesick. This is a feeling of constant discomfort...nothing feels right...you spin in circles trying to find what is wrong...and you exhaust yourself and call for a rescue.

I fight feelings of isolation. I don't have a group of friends that I do things with. I have women in my life that I admire and look up to, women I love and who bring encouragement to my life.

Yet, I find myself wanting more. Not a lot more because I honestly don't have a ton of energy for deep and intimate friendships right now. But I would like a bit more.

At the same time I am a bit cautious in any endeavor to deepen friendships simply because I tend to let myself get hurt. I cling to my family, because the women there are my best friends. My sister and mom and sisters in law. And, of course, my mother in law. I mean, who can say that they are dear and close friends with their mother in law? ME! So, with my small little yearning for a few close friends and my equally small window of time to develop said relationships...I flounder. Back and forth.

Then I have moments like this:

Chris and I went on a date tonight. We played putt putt and flirted with one another. We had yummy enchiladas at On The Border and watched the Braves from the patio. We held hands and laughed...and when we got home we stood in the driveway and kissed.

Moments like this reset my heart and I can once again sort of march to my little beat.

And then the assurance that I am always resting, always trusting, and always adventuring in God's hands.

A Very Happy Bird-day

Well, Maddy's first birthday has come and gone and so has my very first attempt at party planning...seriously.

To say that it was an amazing week would be a pitiful understatement. I have experienced a range of emotions this week that has allowed for some healing that needed to take place.

As I looked back on this past year, everything we have experienced since that cold April 7th morning, I felt both grieved and excited. I see God's hand at work in our lives so much now, because I have chosen to actual observe it rather than just assume He was there. I have seen His faithfulness through Maddy's fast healing and rapid growth. I have seen His provision throughout our dire financial straits. I have seen His joy in the family and friends we are so blessed to do life with. And mostly, I have enjoyed a refreshment of my personal salvation through the moments of fear and doubt that have been turned into rejoicing.

How humbling! How completely humbling to know that with all the world upon His shoulders, my sweet Lord has carried our little family safely through this year with a promise to never leave us or forsake us and to give us life ABUNDANT!

I am excited to see Maddy grow in the coming year. I am in love, not so much with the "act" of mothering, as the adventure that is Maddy. I love mothering...don't get me wrong...but it is not my ability to parent, or my passion for it that gives me cause to praise. It is the active and ever-changing life that I am responsible for in Maddy. It is Maddy that excites me. How could you not be excited about this?

There are a few things I have learned that I will carry with me forever!

•  I will never, ever know all of the answers to all of the questions in pregnancy or parenthood...my disappointment in such an obvious fact is humorous.

• I CAN survive on less than 4 hours of sleep a night due to teething and ear infections and no, it will not kill me.
• A marriage under great duress can actually be quite sweet and tender when the energy is directed towards encouragement and peace rather than solving all of the problems.
• A burp cloth can become a security blanket for a reflux baby and it is okay that they aren't all adorable.
• A 102 temp is considered "healthy" for baby.
• A husband tested and practically beaten down by the world can rise up and mount his noble steed and still come to the rescue.
• My heart's capacity to hold love really knows no bounds.
• Going out of the house without makeup is not an unforgivable offense.
• Forgetting that my shirt and pants are covered in spit up and going out to eat in them is a sign of hard work...not neglect.
• Holding onto my sweet baby, feeling her breath and warm skin, whispering prayers over her is the only job I really want to have for the rest of my life.
• Quality time with my husband is sometimes just Wendy's on the run or a late night knee to knee chat on the bed. Dating means something completely different now that we scarcely have a moment to steal together. 
• Healing is in His hands and I feel like maybe I have found my way out of the little hole I had dug. I know my worth now.
• I am a hot mom...right hubbs?

For now, our little family is savoring every moment....every precious second together....for life is fleeting, as this year has shown and I refuse to miss it.

I hope you all have a blessed week and thank you for your continued support of my meager blog!

A Bird's Story

The following is a 10 page little book I am publishing for Maddy's first bday. Just thought I would share.



A Bird's Story


Dedicated to Madelyn Eve, on her first birthday, in hopes that one day she may know the great impact she has had on our lives, even from the start.


This is but a glimpse, little bird.





Like a tiny little secret, God gave me you to keep safe and quiet. I felt you in my body from the first moment, but when I first heard your sweet little heartbeat, the staccato punctuation to my steady thrum- I began to dream of you. What would it feel like to hold you? How soft would your hair be? What would it be like to look into your face and see pieces of your daddy- pieces of me? How much would you change our lives?


You have always been a show stopper Madelyn. You rolled and twirled all hours of the day and night- reminding me and forewarning me that you were feisty and proud. You loved music and would kick happily and pump your fists whenever I sang to you.


You mystified your Daddy. He longed so much to feel you like I did. We would fall asleep at night, his hand resting on my belly, and he would whisper, “I’m ready to meet you.”


Maddy, God had a very unique and precious plan for you! Before you were quite done growing, you made your unexpected entrance into our lives. Your birth was startling, frightening, and amazing- your tiny cries a miracle, your perfectly formed body a gift from a God who loves us- me, you, your daddy- enough to keep you safe against all odds.


You stayed in a quiet and special place for two weeks. It was a gentle space for tiny babies to grow and get strong. Though I couldn’t be with you, I yearned for you- my heart attached by the toughest threads to yours- I absolutely longed to be with you. I knew, though, that you were being cared for by angels and attended to by God.


The first time I held you, oh, you were so small. Maddy, you were the most precious baby to behold. Tiny! You were four pounds with a sweet fuzzy head and big bright eyes. And, with all the world quiet, for just a moment, you rested against my chest, and our hearts once again began to beat together, that blessed cadence.

The first time your daddy held you- I held my breath. You two fit together like pieces of the sweetest puzzle I have ever seen. You looked into his face like you knew him. His heart! I thought it would burst out of his chest! You may never fully be able to understand the depth of love that he feels for you, but in that moment, I think you knew it.

You blew our minds from day one and grew so fast and strong. You came home much earlier than anyone thought- it was a miracle.

Madelyn Eve, please remember that the One who made you that strong, the One who gave you the determination to fight so hard- He is the ultimate joy, the genuine peace, and the biggest love you will ever know. You are God’s special girl- a message of love to your family, a whisper of hope to those who know you, and a reassurance that God never leaves His children. Do you see how He has already used you? Do not forget how special He thinks you are!

When you came home, our tiny house began to glow with excitement. Your family came to see you every day- they left work, they put aside chores, and they braved bad weather- just to be with you! You, sweet baby, were loved so greatly from the moment you were born!

As you grew, you began to show your delightful personality. You have always loved to laugh and grin. You’ve been bouncing and dancing from the day you learned to hold your head up. Now you have grown into such a healthy little girl, I am quite shocked you were ever considered tiny!

This is your first birthday and for me, it is both extremely joyous and also a bit sad. I didn’t know this time would pass so quickly. I had no idea that we would blink and you would be one year old! I feel like I should have watched you more closely, memorized your every transformation, taken better notes! Still, here we are and you are my perfect little bird!

There are so many things still ahead of you. I pray you will have the fullest life. I pray you will be reckless with your kindness and cautious with your heart. I hope you will always find me a comforting hand to hold and your daddy the safest place to land. I pray you will be happy as God made you and not try to be something different. I hope I can teach you enough about Godly confidence to get you through even the toughest of days. I pray you will know that your daddy is your warrior and he will endure your troubles alongside you. Mostly, I pray that you will know God intimately, His love, His sacrifice through Jesus, and His grace which gives you freedom to love Him wide open and without abandon!

I know that you will find joy in the smallest things, because that is your nature. You are a small thing, my little bird, but full of vivid life. You are the most important story I could ever tell. And this one year is just the beginning.

Maddy, may the love multiply! And may your dad and I strive to impart even half the joy and love you have already given us!

 

Rest and Recharge

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.

Psalm 62:1

This picture was taken on the way to Anniston, Alabama this past Sunday. I love how peaceful they look. When Maddy goes down for a nap, sometimes it is a wrestling match and she is a slippery alligator. When she wakes, however, she is alert and happy, with shiny bright eyes and hands and feet ready to make a mess. It's a simple reality- rest does our bodies a favor.

I know some people say "After you have kids, you will never rest again." I just can't buy into that. I will agree that it is not as easy to rest, as your schedule is no longer your own and you adjust to the needs and schedule of the child. I think that the true issue may lie in what "rest" really is and what it looks like for us all.

For me, rest can be anything from a cozy nap in the bed with Maddy curled up beside me, to a little time in the Word each day when the house is finally quiet and I have time to devote to the study. Where I fail in this area is my heart and head. I worry. I am anxious. And just as I can rest my "eyes" for a nap, my brain can still be spinning out of control- leading my heart down a path of anxious trepidation.

God calls us out of that cautious doubt and worry. I think it may stifle our best parts- our creativity, our witness, our love. I have tried everything for this anxiety- medicine, relaxation techniques, exercise- yet nothing really works except simple time in rest. On that same token- if we do not quiet down, purpose to have restful moments in our lives- how can we really hear from God?

The same can be said for rest in our relationships. My husband, Chris, and I are leaving here in about two hours for a short, (cheap) trip to Asheville. Our marriage demands it. I can give you a laundry list of the reasons why we do not spend enough time together! It will rain the entire time we are there....THE WHOLE TIME. I had visions of strolling the Biltmore Village, heading up to Mt. Mitchell if it is clear....all or which require semi-good weather...not the thunderstorms that are predicted. So, we have adjusted our plan accordingly. We will visit local galleries, stop and grab some freetrade coffee from a free-spirited coffee shop, and let ourselves do nothing if we choose. Do nothing on purpose. Spend time talking about things that get skipped over in daily life. This is the new plan. I will concede that I am even more excited about this plan than the other! I am so excited to just enjoy my husband's company, to just be around him with no timeline or schedule.

So, here's to rest! Not idleness or laziness- just rest. Even if it is 5 minutes- we have to find it...hiding in the moments we let slip by.

BITA- Basking In The Ambience

In October of 2008, only 8 weeks pregnant with Maddy, I was introduced to a zany group of 9th graders. Our first adventure together was Tacos and a Movie- a name they still make fun of. But, I thought it was creative. They watched me shovel in two plates of taco salad, making fun of me for that too, and then we watched Ella Enchanted. I didn't know their stories, I barely knew their names...but they were funny and smart and uniquely beautiful.

Today, we have a co-leader, Katie, who is a perfect partner in crime and ministry! I know those sound mutually exclusive...but as we always say: we may be the worst small group leaders ever. Not really...but we do like to have fun. Our main goal with this group of girls? Love them and point them to Christ. It is a simple mission with many parts and big consequences.

So these are the girls at our latest adventure out at the field at CMC. Being goofy and fun as usual. We are missing two (C and K), though. We will do another photo session soon! I promise!

Basically, I get to hang out with these amazing women. And they like to tell me they love me and send me funny texts and dance with me....but mostly they just change my life and my heart a little bit everyday...and in the end, I will be better for loving them!

I know Katie feels the same way. So, BITA- here are the things we want you to remember:

You are the daughters of a King- rejoice in your own royalty and act like princesses.

You are unique and special and that means you may not always fit in. That's okay. Katie and I didn't always fit in either...and you guys still think we are cool. :)

God expects a lot from you. He wants you to be brave, smart, and holy in your daily choices and actions. He also knows you will fail, and that is when you get to experience His precious grace.

You are responsible for loving others...and loving them with purpose. Give your time and energy to those who need to know God....they will see Him in you.

You rock. Plain and simple. You are all amazing and gorgeous and funny and talented and Katie and I are priviledged to be on this journey with you.

Where my BITAs at?

A Scream in my Heart

Tonight, while looking for a site that sells custom preemie dolls, I stumbled upon a site that put a lot of things into heart wrenching perspective. (http://www.remembermepreemie.com/)

This comes on the heels of a poopoo type of day. I had my feelings hurt (darn heart on sleeve will be the death of me), I felt inadequate at almost everything I did (perfection is not my strong suit), and I actually wished, for a split second, to be someone else. I realize that a large portion of this melodramatic angst is a result of the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that my body and psyche have endured for the past 8 months and I know that I am overly tired and quite stressed....BUT, I am struggling to see what that really has to do with anything!

What a string of excuses I just handed you- hormones (wah wah), emotions (wah wah wah), so sleepy (wah wah WAH wah). In the face of all this excusing, God is teaching me and molding me. Yes, it's been a rough little road, and YES, I am struggling with sadness, but still He remains faithful. And what does He demand in return? Total surrender. Not some namby pamby "Oh, yes, I cast my cares upon you" speech. Total-life altering-spilled out surrender that demands my complete commitment and trust.

Looking over this site, seeing the "In Memory of" section, reading the bio of the creator of the dolls....I looked over to my sleeping bird, resting and snoring in her Nonna's arms, and wept. I could hear her breath...breath that came from lungs that struggled to work on their own! But they do! and she is perfect!!

So, I look at the past 8 months and I am thankful. I am thankful for Abba Father who loves us so recklessly, so completely. I am thankful that He sustained, comforted, and healed my daughter while she was in the NICU and I couldn't be with her. I am thankful that He is still sustaining me...gently prodding me along, tenderly holding my head up when I feel beat down by my own anxieties. I am thankful that even through the financial trauma we have experienced, even though I sometimes do not see how the bills will get paid (and sometimes they don't), even though I cannot always see the solution myself- God has been faithful to provide. Money has come from nowhere...comfort has come in many unusual and unexpected forms, and peace resounds in the depths of my heart even now.

Yesterday at CMC I had to sing the first verse of We Will Remember and all of this popped into my head and I cried and my nose ran, and I really tried to keep singing. So overwhelming to think of everything He has brought us through. SO overwhelming to know His heart more now than ever. SO SO overwhelming to feel His love so thick that I am breathing it.

At times, I am sad and do not know why. There are still times when I am so blown away by God and His wonderful ways that I can hardle keep from combusting in a fiery flame trying to make sense of it all.

Even though I have tough days, even though I do wear my fragile heart on my sleeve, I will never forget what He has done, how much He loves me, or how much this scream in my heart sounds like His jealous voice calling for me to return again and again to His grace and accept it.

my heart, so like a balloon

When I found out that I was pregnant with Maddy, I felt like my heart would explode with the sheer joy and excitement and absolute fear that I instantly felt. I had never felt so content, proud, and elated than in those first few moments. Then, as time wore on and I started to realize that I was actually going to be a mom, responsible for giving and sustaining a tiny little life. At that point, I knew something with absolute certainty- I was about to experience something that would not only change me forever, but would finally allow me to be who God has been shaping me to be. My little heart expanded.

When Maddy was born, everything was blurry. Fuzzy like an out of focus lens. I knew that something had changed in me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Even as I sat, useless in the care of my daughter, staring at her tiny body and crying, I knew everything was different. And, even with the heaviness of the situation, my heart expanded.

The past four months, with its trials and the ensuing fear, challenged everything I knew about faith and trust. I struggled to make sense of a lot of things- emotions I had never felt, a financial situation I had never been in, a future that included a sweet baby- my responsibility, my life's work. I am still trying to navigate the tricky terrain of emotions. And still, my heart is expanding.

With each smile on her sweet little face, with each silly giggle, with each happy kick- like air into a balloon- my heart expands. With each new challenge, with each passing day, with each tenuous step- it expands still. And in the hardest times...when things sit on me with their full weight bearing down- my heart expands, making more room for my Jesus to fill with love and comfort. And then, it expands ever more.

Today, driving home from picking Maddy up, I was exhausted. We had a rough night, both of us low on sleep. I just wanted to get to my house, put on my pajamas, cook dinner, and get settled on the couch. Well, Maddy started screaming about 3 miles from my mom's house. She was hungry, or hot, or hurting from reflux, or just plain mad that she had to be in her car seat. Whatever it was that got under my little girl's skin- it got louder and louder as the miles passed. I sang, I told stories, I replaced the pacifier. Nothing helped. I felt my nerves began to fray. 26 minutes of non stop screaming. I could reach back and feel that her head was sweaty from the effort of crying. I drove carefully, resisting the urge to jump curbs and do anything to get her out of that seat and into my arms. I began to cry. Of all the things a mother must endure- anything that causes her children pain or discomfort is the ghastliest. I could be home everyday, spend every moment tending to her every need, and still not be able to keep her from feeling the discomfort of reflux and a slow digestive system. There is nothing else I can do to keep her from those terrible cries. And yet, with every passing moment, God grants me the privilege of letting my heart expand to hold all of it in....otherwise, I would burst. There are too many things to feel, too many things to collect inside my heart. Yet, He just stretches it, makes more room for me to stuff things in.

Soon, I will be nothing but a big, full to the point of popping, heart. It will continue to grow, I will continue to learn and feel and experience the largeness of motherhood. And all the while, God will be in His rightful place...in the center of it all...in the secret and sacred spaces of my heart...constantly making more room for Himself but letting me keep all the other stuff too.

God is sovereign.
Jesus is enough.

so much to say so much to say

I know what you are thinking. What a lazy blogger you are Eryn!
Well hush. I know this, okay?

I have so many things inside of me that I want so badly to put into words but they do not come to me as easily as they did once. It's like I have put up a wall or a door or some other form of blockage. I can peek over and around the block but I cannot bust through. I am using this blog and my personal journal as a battering ram. Bang bang bang...soon I will be on the other side.

Today is one of my days off. Every week I work, in the office, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have not a care in the world other than Maddy. At first, this going part time thing was not my cup of tea. it meant less pay coming in to an already parched bank account. With Chris out of work at the time, I thought, "Oh geez! Why now!" Not even a week later, Chris was offered the job at the hospital, and though it is not the pay we were hoping for, it was a huge answer to prayer. Which shouldn't surprise us.

God has been immensely and endlessly faithful to us these past 4 months. I could never have anticipated the rollercoaster of stress and fear and sadness that I have been on these last 16 weeks. I struggled. I struggled to stay positive. I struggled to make sense of everything. Even the smallest hiccup in my day could render me helpless and in tears. I wasn't a good enough mommy or wife or daughter or small group leader. Instead of dealing with the circumstances head on, I began to sink beneath them.

Then, with His usual subtle ways, God began to lift me out. I think He'd put up with me long enough. He began to remind me of how far He is willing to go to prove His love. He put money in our mailbox, He made bills come in lower than we expected, He comforted us in the times we could barely see straight from exhastion. His timing has been infallible! I am still trying to process it all. My sweet sweet loves-me-like-a-maniac Father has never left us!

Everyday I look at my precious little bird and see His love all over her. She and God go hand and hand. Where she is, He is. I cannot wait to see how He uses her life, how she expresses His love to others. I am positive it will blow my mind.

So, here I am, with my little bird napping happily in her swing, and I am thankful for our circumstances. Even in our uncertain financial situation, even with the constant juggling of money, I am thankful.


A few people have asked me if there will be any long term effects of Madelyn's early entry into the world. I can completely understand that question....though it is hard for me to hear sometimes. the truth is: you never know. She has been tested for brain function- perfect results. for hearing- perfect results. for eye sight- perfect results. She is coming out of her reflux slowly...a few bad days here and there is better than horrible days on end. She is a little over 16 weeks old...almost four months...and she is still not great with holding her head up....she is just now making true eye contact with objects and people and following things around. she watches cartoons now with interest. She reaches for things sometimes...but that is rare. she laughs easily, but that is no surprise. so, is she developmentally delayed? Probably. intellegently? I don't think so. will she always be a little slower to do things? I have no idea. I hope not. but, if so, she will conquer each new challenge with the same energy and committment she has used thus far. Will she be smaller than most kids her age? there's a chance...but if she takes after the scrappy women in her lineage...size won't matter! ha.

So, that's all I can really speculate. I do know that regardless of what comes our way, we will be fine. She is no ordinary little girl, that is for sure!

Warning: the following may make apparent some of my frustration...read with caution.

The final thing I just want to explain is why Chris and I have chosen attachment parenting. I am not going to go into all of the reasons....but will give you the basics. Hopefully this will eliminate the odd looks and the unwelcome opinions that I have endured for a while now, especially from people I do not really know.
One- it is highly recommended for premature babies.
two- it is highly recommended for Eryn Austin. I prayed and prayed about it. I read and read about it and other parenting styles. AP made the most sense for me and maddy.

Yes, we cosleep her. Go ahead and gasp. It is amazing. she sleeps through the night and if she wakes up, I only roll over and tend to what she needs. she has slept in her bassinet one night and did great there also...which doesnt surprise me. she is a content sleeper.

we practice a lot of baby wearing. We have a moby wrap, a maya (on loan), and a snugli. Each has a unique purpose and are used for different occasions.

We do not cry it out. that is all i am going to say about this one.

We are flexible though. we adapt with her changing needs and we will continue that for the long haul. Her independence may have her sleeping in her crib before we know it. I am not holding onto expectations.

I am well educated, well read, and well researched. I did read Baby Wise and knew it wasn't for us, but re-read it just in case. Same thing...not for us. My advice to those of you who are preparing to travel this road...read read read. Nothing is going to fit every single new family. But after realizing how much AP is looked down upon, I have decided that people just need more information about it. It is simply giving your baby what they need when they need it. It is simply realizing that tiny babies do not manipulate...they communicate. It is not hippy dippy, it is not "weird", it is attaching yourself to your baby in a way that allows you to better understand and anticipate their needs. AP is so much more than all of this but it doesn't matter. I just cannot stand another fishy look when someone finds out we co-sleep our child. I cannot stand it and I am going to burst! I am doing the best i can and she is happy. I am happy, we are happy.

And I am done! sorry. I just feel so judged and unfairly so. I try so hard not to impress my ideals on people...i just wanted this explained once and for all. i dont expect everyone to agree...just to respect it.

On Being Extraordinary

Believe it or not, this is not an update on our little Maddy. Other than tomorrow was supposed to be the day she arrived...hard to believe she has been with us over 6 weeks now. Talk about being extraordinary...this little girl can teach us all a bit about it.

This blog is more a little update on me.

I have been feeling all bottled up. There are so many things pulling my attention in so many directions that I am having a hard time focusing. I was blessed with just enough ADD to keep it interesting. However, with all the changes that have come so recently: Sudden delivery of my baby girl, recovery, NICU, Chris losing his job, adjusting to being a mommy....Wow. I honestly feel like I am losing it!

However, God calls us to be more than conquerors, no matter what. He calls us to this because He is our strength and stronghold. Unfortunately, that leaves me with no excuse. No matter how tired, how weary, how emotional, how frustrated, how bogged down, or how unsure I am...there is still work to be done.

I am insecure about this though. When I look inside I see a slightly different little heart in there. I am completely out of control of my emotions. I cannot STAND this baby weight. I know- 9 months to gain, 9 months to lose, but I almost needed a sedative today when trying to find JEANS! something that has always been pretty simple. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel that old familiar twinge in my belly....the one that came first in high school...the one that tells me to eat less, take a laxative, work out, and start all over the next day. Why is it that I must be so self-critical? Why do I look at myself and see extra fat, pimples, limp hair, pale skin...instead of a body that made a baby, Roush blue eyes, unique red hair, and distinguishing freckles? Why do I feel inadequate and sluggish...instead of confident and energized?

So, I am trying to look at myself through God's eyes. I am trying to see my creative brain, my penchant for words, my exposed heart, my sensitive spirit, my love of ministry. I am trying to see myself as extraordinary...instead of, eh, mediocre and sort of mixed up.

So, for a little cathartic purging...
I feel mad that my body let me down and I had to have the birth experience I wanted least.

I feel guilt that said birth experience led to 13 days of my baby being poked, prodded, lit up, woken up, and left on an open bed alone for the majority of the time.

I feel sad that she doesn't cry when she gets her heel pricked...because she is accustomed to it.

I feel fear that I will not regain balance in my life. That one responsibility or commitment will suffer at the expense of another.

I feel exposed. Everything my dear husband says is somehow a personal attack on me. The simplest of statements shoots me through the heart like an arrow from a bow and he is (usually) innocent. I cannot help it. He is the one I want to please...he is the one who must think I am always beautiful, always magnificent, always witty--never snippy and never overly sensitive.

I do feel fat. it's just how it is for now. I have 4 outfits that fit me and that is just a completely disconcerting feeling.

I feel insecure and sort of lost. I want to have the confidence back. but, are you ever confident again once you become a mother? Maybe not. I will adjust.

I feel blocked. My writing comes in spurts as though it is from a kinked water hose. I cannot seem to find the easy relationship I once had with my words.

I feel blessed. That my baby is healthy and amazing...that I am healthy. That God has provided for us in this unstable financial time. That we have families and a church that love us so much SOOOO much that it is almost too much to take in. That I have a job and work for people and with people who care deeply for me...who are ridiculously talented...who are like minded.


For now, I do not feel extraordinary. But, I believe that attitude determines outcome...so I am going to make a change. With a little prayer and a little practice, I think I will get back there...after all...I am usually quite aware of my extraordinary-ness. I think that as the daughter of a King, it is part of my inheritance...and I must honor that.

So, my ending statement for tonight is: Less of me, More of you, Jesus.

and oh how my heart did fly!

I have had quite a day. We were so blessed to be able to take Madelyn to baby dedication at CMC. it was our first normal outing as a family and let me tell you....it felt so good! she wore an outfit that was made up of fruit loop colors and said "I am mommys dream come true." Oh, if she only knew! I cried from the moment we left the driveway. It was all just so overwhelming. My first Mother's day...earlier than I thought it would be....more precious than I could have ever imagined!

Walking out onto that stage i have spent so much time upon...I was struck with a strange realization. First, the last time I had been on the stage, singing with the worship team for the Hooked Up event, I was 32 weeks pregnant and sick (though I didn't realize it). It became so real to me in the few steps it took to cross the stage and look out at the congregation. She isn't even supposed to be here now. Still, I was holding her, she was sleeping with one arm cocked under her cheek and the other thrown back behind her head. We stood up there promising to pray and lead her to the Lord...so that she would love Him, give her life to Him, and know Him well. but, like I was telling someone earlier, I think she already knows Him well...I believe that, while I was surprised by her early arrival, she and God were long preparing for it. I also believe taht in the time she was in the Nicu, He met her there...He was loving on her when we couldn't be there. He was whispering His sweet song into her ear, He was healing her tiny body...and she has already begun her relationship with Him.

So, I cried. The entire dedication. I actually made an audible sob. but I wasn't sad...I was in awe. of the entire experience I have just come through...of the tiny miracle I get to love so much...of the faithfullness of my God. He has brought us so far, and through so much and there we were, our unique little family, in front of our precious church family...and oh how my heart did fly in that moment.

Nothing, not money, not peanut mms, not a bestselling novel, not any of my lesser dreams will ever come close to this dream that has now come true.

the rest of the day was just as glorious. Maddy spent most of the day on my chest, which is where she needs to be if we are going to ace this nursing thing. we took a two our nap...which was mutually satisfying. we both woke up hungry and a little cranky, but soon cheered up. We spent time with family, ate yummy-licious food...ahh...I just cannot find one thing wrong with this day, other than it is almost over!

but i plan on spending the rest of it on the couch, with hubby and baby, watching good movies and eating peanut mms.

The realization that all this is true

I've had a rough night. Emotional.

I am ready for Maddy to be home. I am confused about my sudden influx of exhaustion and anxiety. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on all of this. I thought I was coping well. Then tonight, one little tiny thing set me off on a weeping fest. I felt like my chest would burst at any moment. I am praying, nay, grasping for peace and patience. I'm trying to plan out the next part of this adventure. Trying to figure out how to be all the things I need to be for all of the people who need me. I just don't know how i am going to do it.

I think about Maddy constantly. Everything points back to her. I can be laughing one minute, or sleeping even, and suddenly she is there....so completely filling up my heart that I feel short of breath...as though she was infinite in size and not just 4 pounds. I take Benadryl to sleep because I miss her so much at night that I just lay there, staring at the ceiling (or watching the Office), wondering when I will get to bond with her, be her mommy, spend more than a couple of hours with her.

Chris is exhausted. He has worked until 10 every night this week. He is dealing with this all in his own way. We are both sort of walking in slow motion, barely cognizant of all the things occuring around us.

I find that I cling to my Jesus so tightly right now. It isn't even a conscious effort. I grabbed onto him last monday night and just havent really let go. every thought of Maddy is a prayer. Every little tear and every smile is filled with the knowledge that He loves us and is in control.

I am trying. I really am. Doing as best as I can to "take care of myself" and "heal." It isn't easy. But I am worn out of it all. I want to feel normal again. i want to be able to walk for 10 minutes and not feel like I had just sprinted across the country. I want to see a sappy commercial and not cry. I want to be able to tell someone about Maddy for the first time and not hear that familiar crack in my voice. I want to know how to get everything done that has to be done and still learn to be a mom...and bond with my baby.

I am going to end this sad little entry with a song I sing to Maddy. It is by one of my fave Christian folk singers, JJ Heller. It is the song that I sang to her when she was still forming inside of me...and I will sing it for her all her life.

"Quiet your heart, it's just a dream. Go back to sleep.
I'll be right here, I'll stay awake, as long as you need me
to slay all the dragons and keep out the monsters.
I'm watching over you.

My love is a light driving away all of your fears.
So, don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe.

You'll have your own battles to fight when you are older.
You'll find yourself frozen inside, but always remember-
When you feel alone, facing the giants, and you don't know what to do:

My love is a light driving away all of your fears.
So, don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe."

And....I am crying. Sheesh. It is all for love.