A Scream in my Heart

Tonight, while looking for a site that sells custom preemie dolls, I stumbled upon a site that put a lot of things into heart wrenching perspective. (http://www.remembermepreemie.com/)

This comes on the heels of a poopoo type of day. I had my feelings hurt (darn heart on sleeve will be the death of me), I felt inadequate at almost everything I did (perfection is not my strong suit), and I actually wished, for a split second, to be someone else. I realize that a large portion of this melodramatic angst is a result of the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that my body and psyche have endured for the past 8 months and I know that I am overly tired and quite stressed....BUT, I am struggling to see what that really has to do with anything!

What a string of excuses I just handed you- hormones (wah wah), emotions (wah wah wah), so sleepy (wah wah WAH wah). In the face of all this excusing, God is teaching me and molding me. Yes, it's been a rough little road, and YES, I am struggling with sadness, but still He remains faithful. And what does He demand in return? Total surrender. Not some namby pamby "Oh, yes, I cast my cares upon you" speech. Total-life altering-spilled out surrender that demands my complete commitment and trust.

Looking over this site, seeing the "In Memory of" section, reading the bio of the creator of the dolls....I looked over to my sleeping bird, resting and snoring in her Nonna's arms, and wept. I could hear her breath...breath that came from lungs that struggled to work on their own! But they do! and she is perfect!!

So, I look at the past 8 months and I am thankful. I am thankful for Abba Father who loves us so recklessly, so completely. I am thankful that He sustained, comforted, and healed my daughter while she was in the NICU and I couldn't be with her. I am thankful that He is still sustaining me...gently prodding me along, tenderly holding my head up when I feel beat down by my own anxieties. I am thankful that even through the financial trauma we have experienced, even though I sometimes do not see how the bills will get paid (and sometimes they don't), even though I cannot always see the solution myself- God has been faithful to provide. Money has come from nowhere...comfort has come in many unusual and unexpected forms, and peace resounds in the depths of my heart even now.

Yesterday at CMC I had to sing the first verse of We Will Remember and all of this popped into my head and I cried and my nose ran, and I really tried to keep singing. So overwhelming to think of everything He has brought us through. SO overwhelming to know His heart more now than ever. SO SO overwhelming to feel His love so thick that I am breathing it.

At times, I am sad and do not know why. There are still times when I am so blown away by God and His wonderful ways that I can hardle keep from combusting in a fiery flame trying to make sense of it all.

Even though I have tough days, even though I do wear my fragile heart on my sleeve, I will never forget what He has done, how much He loves me, or how much this scream in my heart sounds like His jealous voice calling for me to return again and again to His grace and accept it.

my heart, so like a balloon

When I found out that I was pregnant with Maddy, I felt like my heart would explode with the sheer joy and excitement and absolute fear that I instantly felt. I had never felt so content, proud, and elated than in those first few moments. Then, as time wore on and I started to realize that I was actually going to be a mom, responsible for giving and sustaining a tiny little life. At that point, I knew something with absolute certainty- I was about to experience something that would not only change me forever, but would finally allow me to be who God has been shaping me to be. My little heart expanded.

When Maddy was born, everything was blurry. Fuzzy like an out of focus lens. I knew that something had changed in me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Even as I sat, useless in the care of my daughter, staring at her tiny body and crying, I knew everything was different. And, even with the heaviness of the situation, my heart expanded.

The past four months, with its trials and the ensuing fear, challenged everything I knew about faith and trust. I struggled to make sense of a lot of things- emotions I had never felt, a financial situation I had never been in, a future that included a sweet baby- my responsibility, my life's work. I am still trying to navigate the tricky terrain of emotions. And still, my heart is expanding.

With each smile on her sweet little face, with each silly giggle, with each happy kick- like air into a balloon- my heart expands. With each new challenge, with each passing day, with each tenuous step- it expands still. And in the hardest times...when things sit on me with their full weight bearing down- my heart expands, making more room for my Jesus to fill with love and comfort. And then, it expands ever more.

Today, driving home from picking Maddy up, I was exhausted. We had a rough night, both of us low on sleep. I just wanted to get to my house, put on my pajamas, cook dinner, and get settled on the couch. Well, Maddy started screaming about 3 miles from my mom's house. She was hungry, or hot, or hurting from reflux, or just plain mad that she had to be in her car seat. Whatever it was that got under my little girl's skin- it got louder and louder as the miles passed. I sang, I told stories, I replaced the pacifier. Nothing helped. I felt my nerves began to fray. 26 minutes of non stop screaming. I could reach back and feel that her head was sweaty from the effort of crying. I drove carefully, resisting the urge to jump curbs and do anything to get her out of that seat and into my arms. I began to cry. Of all the things a mother must endure- anything that causes her children pain or discomfort is the ghastliest. I could be home everyday, spend every moment tending to her every need, and still not be able to keep her from feeling the discomfort of reflux and a slow digestive system. There is nothing else I can do to keep her from those terrible cries. And yet, with every passing moment, God grants me the privilege of letting my heart expand to hold all of it in....otherwise, I would burst. There are too many things to feel, too many things to collect inside my heart. Yet, He just stretches it, makes more room for me to stuff things in.

Soon, I will be nothing but a big, full to the point of popping, heart. It will continue to grow, I will continue to learn and feel and experience the largeness of motherhood. And all the while, God will be in His rightful place...in the center of it all...in the secret and sacred spaces of my heart...constantly making more room for Himself but letting me keep all the other stuff too.

God is sovereign.
Jesus is enough.

so much to say so much to say

I know what you are thinking. What a lazy blogger you are Eryn!
Well hush. I know this, okay?

I have so many things inside of me that I want so badly to put into words but they do not come to me as easily as they did once. It's like I have put up a wall or a door or some other form of blockage. I can peek over and around the block but I cannot bust through. I am using this blog and my personal journal as a battering ram. Bang bang bang...soon I will be on the other side.

Today is one of my days off. Every week I work, in the office, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have not a care in the world other than Maddy. At first, this going part time thing was not my cup of tea. it meant less pay coming in to an already parched bank account. With Chris out of work at the time, I thought, "Oh geez! Why now!" Not even a week later, Chris was offered the job at the hospital, and though it is not the pay we were hoping for, it was a huge answer to prayer. Which shouldn't surprise us.

God has been immensely and endlessly faithful to us these past 4 months. I could never have anticipated the rollercoaster of stress and fear and sadness that I have been on these last 16 weeks. I struggled. I struggled to stay positive. I struggled to make sense of everything. Even the smallest hiccup in my day could render me helpless and in tears. I wasn't a good enough mommy or wife or daughter or small group leader. Instead of dealing with the circumstances head on, I began to sink beneath them.

Then, with His usual subtle ways, God began to lift me out. I think He'd put up with me long enough. He began to remind me of how far He is willing to go to prove His love. He put money in our mailbox, He made bills come in lower than we expected, He comforted us in the times we could barely see straight from exhastion. His timing has been infallible! I am still trying to process it all. My sweet sweet loves-me-like-a-maniac Father has never left us!

Everyday I look at my precious little bird and see His love all over her. She and God go hand and hand. Where she is, He is. I cannot wait to see how He uses her life, how she expresses His love to others. I am positive it will blow my mind.

So, here I am, with my little bird napping happily in her swing, and I am thankful for our circumstances. Even in our uncertain financial situation, even with the constant juggling of money, I am thankful.


A few people have asked me if there will be any long term effects of Madelyn's early entry into the world. I can completely understand that question....though it is hard for me to hear sometimes. the truth is: you never know. She has been tested for brain function- perfect results. for hearing- perfect results. for eye sight- perfect results. She is coming out of her reflux slowly...a few bad days here and there is better than horrible days on end. She is a little over 16 weeks old...almost four months...and she is still not great with holding her head up....she is just now making true eye contact with objects and people and following things around. she watches cartoons now with interest. She reaches for things sometimes...but that is rare. she laughs easily, but that is no surprise. so, is she developmentally delayed? Probably. intellegently? I don't think so. will she always be a little slower to do things? I have no idea. I hope not. but, if so, she will conquer each new challenge with the same energy and committment she has used thus far. Will she be smaller than most kids her age? there's a chance...but if she takes after the scrappy women in her lineage...size won't matter! ha.

So, that's all I can really speculate. I do know that regardless of what comes our way, we will be fine. She is no ordinary little girl, that is for sure!

Warning: the following may make apparent some of my frustration...read with caution.

The final thing I just want to explain is why Chris and I have chosen attachment parenting. I am not going to go into all of the reasons....but will give you the basics. Hopefully this will eliminate the odd looks and the unwelcome opinions that I have endured for a while now, especially from people I do not really know.
One- it is highly recommended for premature babies.
two- it is highly recommended for Eryn Austin. I prayed and prayed about it. I read and read about it and other parenting styles. AP made the most sense for me and maddy.

Yes, we cosleep her. Go ahead and gasp. It is amazing. she sleeps through the night and if she wakes up, I only roll over and tend to what she needs. she has slept in her bassinet one night and did great there also...which doesnt surprise me. she is a content sleeper.

we practice a lot of baby wearing. We have a moby wrap, a maya (on loan), and a snugli. Each has a unique purpose and are used for different occasions.

We do not cry it out. that is all i am going to say about this one.

We are flexible though. we adapt with her changing needs and we will continue that for the long haul. Her independence may have her sleeping in her crib before we know it. I am not holding onto expectations.

I am well educated, well read, and well researched. I did read Baby Wise and knew it wasn't for us, but re-read it just in case. Same thing...not for us. My advice to those of you who are preparing to travel this road...read read read. Nothing is going to fit every single new family. But after realizing how much AP is looked down upon, I have decided that people just need more information about it. It is simply giving your baby what they need when they need it. It is simply realizing that tiny babies do not manipulate...they communicate. It is not hippy dippy, it is not "weird", it is attaching yourself to your baby in a way that allows you to better understand and anticipate their needs. AP is so much more than all of this but it doesn't matter. I just cannot stand another fishy look when someone finds out we co-sleep our child. I cannot stand it and I am going to burst! I am doing the best i can and she is happy. I am happy, we are happy.

And I am done! sorry. I just feel so judged and unfairly so. I try so hard not to impress my ideals on people...i just wanted this explained once and for all. i dont expect everyone to agree...just to respect it.

a little verse here, a little verse there, here a verse, there a verse, everywhere a verse verse! okay, this is about poetry...and other stuff!

I am feeling nostalgic and you must suffer for it! so I am going to totally open myself to your funny comments on my nerdiness and post some of my own, old, sometimes trite poetry and a few other tiny tidbits. enjoy.

Untitled- 2006

Behind my eyelids, laying
heavy at the end of the day, you
stand before me, drenched
with rain. Drops slip down
each hair and land on my feet.
“I came through the rain for you.”
A kiss lands on my forehead. I
am home more than ever
before. You go on about your day,
how you rescued this and that.
You rescue me everyday. I lose
my wits when you breathe life
around me. You grow to new heights
in my eyes. You rescue me a little
more everyday. I shrink only to expand.
I wrap myself in you, only
to find myself stuck. I do
not care to become unstuck. Keep
me please. Wrap, wrap, wrap me
in your rain drops. Rescue me
tomorrow and the day after.


Apple Heart- 2006

If I hold tightly to the world
I know, it will not fall
from my grasp. Apples
aren’t always red, and my heart
isn’t always safe. If I hold
tightly, it wont matter.
If an apple falls from a tree
and bruises, is it no good?
I have fallen, bruised and scratched,
have I lost my value? Bite
into me, tell me what is there
beneath the purple spot. Is
your love for me greater
than my shortcomings?
I fall short. I get bruised.
My world is still in my grasp,
tightly balled into each fist. If
I run away, follow me. Bring
apples.


Coffee Love.
written for hannah and clay's wedding day. july 2005

There was once a cup of coffee that held in its grasp,
a love story. I had no idea that right down the road
was my future. I could have thrown a rock
at your window from my porch, but was always afraid
of breaking something.

Could you feel my love even then?
Like the feeling someone is watching
you, could you feel my love? Praying and
dreaming for you, I always loved you. I knew
that I would walk or dance or fly into the rest of my life
with you from the moment we hugged
and I could smell you on my shirt.

Can I keep you?
I still have that shirt.

I know how you take your coffee. I know
that you rescued me from everything I knew.
Everything I settled for. Coffee is synonymous with
love. I have loved you forever. There
is no beginning and no end to me
now that you have joined your heart
with mine. There is no starting and there is
no stopping. I will never stop loving you. Never.

Can I keep you?
We will always have coffee.

A little musing-2004
I stand like a dot on the earth. My feet are buried slightly in wet grass. My eyes are mirrors, reflecting the banana sliver of moon. The stars are so bright I pretend I can feel their heat on my face, making my cheeks blush, causing my eyes to close tightly. I resist the urge to reach out, knowing I would be reaching in vain. I have failed in even my most valiant attempts to capture a star. Reaching and stretching, all five fingers pointed straight for a star, I am never quite big enough to grab it. All I want is to hold it in my hand for a moment. I want to feel its endless energy, let its light expose the secret places in my heart.
I wonder if it is round, like a ball, and will roll in my hand. Or, if it is shapeless and will become like my hand, or like the flower pot, or the candle holder, whatever vessel I choose to keep it in.
This star, my unreachable prize, is always above me. I want so badly to touch it. Sometimes, however, I think it would be enough just to mimic the star. To have its properties of light and energy. I think, if I tried, I could master the bright shine, the slight twinkle. Maybe, in this star state of mine, people would reach for me, let me warm them, let my light illuminate them.
I hold onto my own private stars all day long. The little things that in small, perfect ways make me giggle, make my face bright. My little collection of stars are like charms around my neck. I hold onto them out of habit, out of familiarity. These are the stars that are out of this world, but within my reach.


For Cooper- 2003

Hold my hand,
piggy back rides,
Buzz and Woody
are on the other side.
Wheels on the bus
twinkle like the stars.
Take me for a ride
in your matchbox cars.

If you're happy and
you know it,
kill the beast.
Belle and Gaston,
be our guests at the feast.
Mommy and Daddy,
kisses goodnight.
Stubs, scrapes, and bruises,
kisses make it alright.

Little boy blue eyes,
king of my heart.
Knew i was in trouble
right from the start.
Grow taller, grow stronger
but don't forget me.
I love you forever little man.just watch and you'll see


Night I Found Wings- 2003, when i truly fell in love with writing.

The crescent was sinking to
horizon and my eyes still
held their stare. Eight hours
less sleep to be enjoyed in
my sheets. Every blink
stuck longer than the last one,
every toss more forceful than
each turn. Where is my sandman,
woman, or midget? Why
is there no sand in my sight?

Glitter, as if from Heaven, suddenly
fell down from the light
and dusted me in sparkles.
My toes were first to tingle,
then legs, and belly, arms,
hands, fingers, head,
all alive like millions of tiny
ants. It was then that I felt
them which no metaphor could describe.
Four rose colored wings sprang
and unfolded and itched
out of my sides. A new
song filled my lungs and
spilled over my lips. It drenched
me in quarters, halves
and wholes, rests, repeats.
With every note that rang,
my wings began to beat
until my body arched
and dangled in the smoky
gray air. I darted out of
my open window into the sky
that was pink with morning.
My skin dampened with humidity,
moist, sticky, and perfect.
I flew singing, fearless, free,
into the next town, where I found
my nest. Stacked with
Hawthorne, Rilke, and Poe.
I settled in, fluffed my
wings and sang a lullaby.
Grabbed a feather from my
back, dipped it in ink,
and then began to write.


From my journal- Sept 2004- and dedicated to the girls of BITA-

pursuit of the pearl.
sometimes, in the daily life of a woman, she reaches a point when she really just needs to know she is beautiful. she doesnt just need to hear it, she needs to KNOW it. well, sunday morning, i was getting ready for church in my bathroom. i have this huge string of fake pearls that i absolutely love, and barely ever get to wear. well, sunday i decided to drag them out of my jewelry box, and take em for a spin. i fastened the white ribbon in the back and smiled at my pearls. i have a fascination with pearls. i have never owned any real pearls, so these imposters are the next best thing. i turned in my bathroom to see my 4 year old nephew, cooper standing in the doorway, in his Buzz underwear. he was smiling his little boy smile, and looking up at me with these unrelenting blue eyes.
"Aunt E, why are you so pretty?" he sat on the edge of the tub, so i sat beside him.
"what do you mean?"
"You are going to be more beautiful than Avery today, Aunt E. i really like those white balls." I laughed at his precious sincerity.
then, i looked in the mirror. i dont know what my nephew thinks is beautiful. i dont know if he even knows what it means. but his words struck me so deeply. Pearls. i may be beautiful, i may not be. but i am like a pearl: rare, precious, formed from sand. i am also in pursuit of a pearl.

Dannah Gresh, author of "And the Bride Wore White," talks about the price of the pearl.
Matthew 13:45-46 says,
"The kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

In her book, Dannah states quite simply, "God costs everything. He is worth the price." over and over again, i read what she says about the pearl. she relates it to her relationship with her husband, how they struggled to pursue a pure, Godly relationship, how they broke up, how they ultimately trusted God, sold everything, and let Him write the story. i dont know if i've ever given up everything to pursue God. I dont know if i have ever had to throw myself away, to be created new, and specifically to His liking. but it is what is required, and until i realize that, until i do that, i am only worth the fake pearls that i wear on my neck.

i just want to end with a verse that really blows my mind.
it is Eugene Peterson's para-phrase from THE MESSAGE.
"Now listen, daughter, don't miss a word: forget your country, put your home behind you. Be here-the king is wild for you. Since he's your lord, adore him." Psalm 45:10-11

From my journal- 9/27/04- also dedicated to BITA girls.

my journey's here, but my heart is there

wow it is rainy outside!
so....I AM SOO EXCITED ABOUT JESUS! this weekend was one of those that i will remember forever! it still resounds in my head. i have shin splints from doing river dance, i am hoarse from singing and worshipping at the top of my lungs, and i am jittery with joy over who God is and how He works. everyday is His, every blessing is praise straight back to His throne.

sooo....todays topic is Princess.
My three year old niece, Avery, is fascinated with princesses. She loves Cinderella, Belle, Jasmine, and Aurora. She has cups, nightgowns, and t-shirts covered in pink and purple pictures of these dazzling ladies. I asked her once, while watching Sleeping Beauty, if she knew that she was a princess. She looked at me strangely and shook her head. “No, I not a princess.” My heart broke at her tiny little admission. For fifteen minutes I tried to convince her that she really was a princess. It struck me in those few moments that she was a younger version of myself. I play the part of the princess, while never really believing that I am she. I admire the princesses I know, without truly claiming to be one myself. However, the simple fact is that I am the daughter of the King, and inherently a princess. A real life, member of the royal family.
I have lived most of my life until now as a “pretty, pretty princess.” I looked and acted like I thought a princess would, but didn’t feel anything princess in my heart. I thought my faults were too great, my secrets too dark, to be able to have the purity of heart that is required for princessdom. The life I chose to live looked fine from the outside, but was simply wilting on the inside.

I am a firm believer that God has gifted each of us with our own uniqueness for a purpose. If I am completely honest with myself, I would have to say that I am Ariel. Not only because I have red hair, but mostly because I have her heart. I am always testing the rules, stubbornly attempting to bend them, shape them to my desires. There is always something just out of my reach that I am fighting to grab hold of. I have a collection of things that supposedly bring me happiness, but like Ariel’s treasure trove, they are only things, and things can be destroyed. So, in my heart of hearts, I know that I store up treasures. God knew my heart before he formed me, and He knew what I would struggle with. He knows how I desire to be loved and truly known. He knows the heart inside of me that I want so desperately to share. He knows what things get in my way. And He knew that I would eventually give up the battle to Him, and find my treasure there. Patiently waiting on me, He has never ceased to bless me and He has never stopped forming me through my unique qualities.

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:20-21

My newly found royalty is a constantly growing knowledge. I try daily to act as the real princess inside me must, growing ever closer to my Kingly Father, the One who gave me my title.
When I ask Avery if she is a princess now, her face lights up and she nods regally. As she grows older I see her true princess traits becoming more and more prominent and I remember to see my own, and to delight in the princess parts of me.

That is all I am going to post tonight. Reading back over my really old pre-blog journals, I realized i am a super slacker with this blog. I could just cheat and post them all on here...but no...I will write new ones!


For now, I am off to bed with a sleepy baby and sleepy hubby. Tomorrow is another day to praise Him...the One who makes me shine.

On Being Extraordinary

Believe it or not, this is not an update on our little Maddy. Other than tomorrow was supposed to be the day she arrived...hard to believe she has been with us over 6 weeks now. Talk about being extraordinary...this little girl can teach us all a bit about it.

This blog is more a little update on me.

I have been feeling all bottled up. There are so many things pulling my attention in so many directions that I am having a hard time focusing. I was blessed with just enough ADD to keep it interesting. However, with all the changes that have come so recently: Sudden delivery of my baby girl, recovery, NICU, Chris losing his job, adjusting to being a mommy....Wow. I honestly feel like I am losing it!

However, God calls us to be more than conquerors, no matter what. He calls us to this because He is our strength and stronghold. Unfortunately, that leaves me with no excuse. No matter how tired, how weary, how emotional, how frustrated, how bogged down, or how unsure I am...there is still work to be done.

I am insecure about this though. When I look inside I see a slightly different little heart in there. I am completely out of control of my emotions. I cannot STAND this baby weight. I know- 9 months to gain, 9 months to lose, but I almost needed a sedative today when trying to find JEANS! something that has always been pretty simple. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel that old familiar twinge in my belly....the one that came first in high school...the one that tells me to eat less, take a laxative, work out, and start all over the next day. Why is it that I must be so self-critical? Why do I look at myself and see extra fat, pimples, limp hair, pale skin...instead of a body that made a baby, Roush blue eyes, unique red hair, and distinguishing freckles? Why do I feel inadequate and sluggish...instead of confident and energized?

So, I am trying to look at myself through God's eyes. I am trying to see my creative brain, my penchant for words, my exposed heart, my sensitive spirit, my love of ministry. I am trying to see myself as extraordinary...instead of, eh, mediocre and sort of mixed up.

So, for a little cathartic purging...
I feel mad that my body let me down and I had to have the birth experience I wanted least.

I feel guilt that said birth experience led to 13 days of my baby being poked, prodded, lit up, woken up, and left on an open bed alone for the majority of the time.

I feel sad that she doesn't cry when she gets her heel pricked...because she is accustomed to it.

I feel fear that I will not regain balance in my life. That one responsibility or commitment will suffer at the expense of another.

I feel exposed. Everything my dear husband says is somehow a personal attack on me. The simplest of statements shoots me through the heart like an arrow from a bow and he is (usually) innocent. I cannot help it. He is the one I want to please...he is the one who must think I am always beautiful, always magnificent, always witty--never snippy and never overly sensitive.

I do feel fat. it's just how it is for now. I have 4 outfits that fit me and that is just a completely disconcerting feeling.

I feel insecure and sort of lost. I want to have the confidence back. but, are you ever confident again once you become a mother? Maybe not. I will adjust.

I feel blocked. My writing comes in spurts as though it is from a kinked water hose. I cannot seem to find the easy relationship I once had with my words.

I feel blessed. That my baby is healthy and amazing...that I am healthy. That God has provided for us in this unstable financial time. That we have families and a church that love us so much SOOOO much that it is almost too much to take in. That I have a job and work for people and with people who care deeply for me...who are ridiculously talented...who are like minded.


For now, I do not feel extraordinary. But, I believe that attitude determines outcome...so I am going to make a change. With a little prayer and a little practice, I think I will get back there...after all...I am usually quite aware of my extraordinary-ness. I think that as the daughter of a King, it is part of my inheritance...and I must honor that.

So, my ending statement for tonight is: Less of me, More of you, Jesus.

and oh how my heart did fly!

I have had quite a day. We were so blessed to be able to take Madelyn to baby dedication at CMC. it was our first normal outing as a family and let me tell you....it felt so good! she wore an outfit that was made up of fruit loop colors and said "I am mommys dream come true." Oh, if she only knew! I cried from the moment we left the driveway. It was all just so overwhelming. My first Mother's day...earlier than I thought it would be....more precious than I could have ever imagined!

Walking out onto that stage i have spent so much time upon...I was struck with a strange realization. First, the last time I had been on the stage, singing with the worship team for the Hooked Up event, I was 32 weeks pregnant and sick (though I didn't realize it). It became so real to me in the few steps it took to cross the stage and look out at the congregation. She isn't even supposed to be here now. Still, I was holding her, she was sleeping with one arm cocked under her cheek and the other thrown back behind her head. We stood up there promising to pray and lead her to the Lord...so that she would love Him, give her life to Him, and know Him well. but, like I was telling someone earlier, I think she already knows Him well...I believe that, while I was surprised by her early arrival, she and God were long preparing for it. I also believe taht in the time she was in the Nicu, He met her there...He was loving on her when we couldn't be there. He was whispering His sweet song into her ear, He was healing her tiny body...and she has already begun her relationship with Him.

So, I cried. The entire dedication. I actually made an audible sob. but I wasn't sad...I was in awe. of the entire experience I have just come through...of the tiny miracle I get to love so much...of the faithfullness of my God. He has brought us so far, and through so much and there we were, our unique little family, in front of our precious church family...and oh how my heart did fly in that moment.

Nothing, not money, not peanut mms, not a bestselling novel, not any of my lesser dreams will ever come close to this dream that has now come true.

the rest of the day was just as glorious. Maddy spent most of the day on my chest, which is where she needs to be if we are going to ace this nursing thing. we took a two our nap...which was mutually satisfying. we both woke up hungry and a little cranky, but soon cheered up. We spent time with family, ate yummy-licious food...ahh...I just cannot find one thing wrong with this day, other than it is almost over!

but i plan on spending the rest of it on the couch, with hubby and baby, watching good movies and eating peanut mms.

this thing called motherhood

Update- Maddy came home on Monday April 20. Life became a little more normal for us.

She is such a sweet baby. Loves to be sung to: Be Thou My Vision, Keep You Safe, Patsy Cline, and Miley Cyrus to name a few. She loves bathtime. She is the ultimate spider monkey if she isn't swaddled well. Her hands will flail and flutter, often smacking me in the face in the middle of the night. She sleeps with her mouth open, sweet milk breath blowing in my face. Her eyes are focusing so much better now than in days past.

As for me....I am still morphing. It is surreal to call myself mommy. It is even more surreal to look at that precious precious face and feel completely and totally in love. Waking up in the middle of the night and stumbling around isn't the most fun in the world, okay? but looking into those big eyes and kissing that tiny mouth...holy cow....it has rocked my world.

We take naps...either chest to chest or side by side. she is perfectly content in almost any situation. Tiny as can be still...but no less strong and brave. She grows each day like a weed in a garden and we are trying so hard to capture each moment and store it safely away.

Chris is an amazing father. Tending to her with care and confidence. he even helps during the night, often swaddling her when my eyes are too foggy to see straight. He rubs my back and jokes with me when i get a little frazzled. He and maddy are already like two familiar dancers, finessing a routine, and making new steps. He and I are learning to communicate in a whole new way. I feel like our marriage has been tested within the past month in more ways than i ever expected and you know what? We passed. we passed big time. I learn that I love him more everyday and looking at Maddy, I see the perfect example of love and of miracles.

I count myself blessed to have come through this. I count us blessed as a family to be enduring a few new hardships that we never anticipated. We wake everyday believing that God has brought us here for a reason and that He has a plan that will blow our minds....we only have to believe on Him.

I am trying to sort through all of my thoughts. I believe there is a story in all of this that I am meant to write. I am praying that it will line itself up for me and make itself available to me. It is right there, sort of dangling in my periphery....I will grab it...once i have a free hand!

I hope to find time to blog more now that we are settling into a routine. I hope you continue to follow our story. She is amazing...she is inspiring...and i cannot wait to see what happens each new day.

If there was ever a woman profoundly blessed, I am she.

The realization that all this is true

I've had a rough night. Emotional.

I am ready for Maddy to be home. I am confused about my sudden influx of exhaustion and anxiety. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on all of this. I thought I was coping well. Then tonight, one little tiny thing set me off on a weeping fest. I felt like my chest would burst at any moment. I am praying, nay, grasping for peace and patience. I'm trying to plan out the next part of this adventure. Trying to figure out how to be all the things I need to be for all of the people who need me. I just don't know how i am going to do it.

I think about Maddy constantly. Everything points back to her. I can be laughing one minute, or sleeping even, and suddenly she is there....so completely filling up my heart that I feel short of breath...as though she was infinite in size and not just 4 pounds. I take Benadryl to sleep because I miss her so much at night that I just lay there, staring at the ceiling (or watching the Office), wondering when I will get to bond with her, be her mommy, spend more than a couple of hours with her.

Chris is exhausted. He has worked until 10 every night this week. He is dealing with this all in his own way. We are both sort of walking in slow motion, barely cognizant of all the things occuring around us.

I find that I cling to my Jesus so tightly right now. It isn't even a conscious effort. I grabbed onto him last monday night and just havent really let go. every thought of Maddy is a prayer. Every little tear and every smile is filled with the knowledge that He loves us and is in control.

I am trying. I really am. Doing as best as I can to "take care of myself" and "heal." It isn't easy. But I am worn out of it all. I want to feel normal again. i want to be able to walk for 10 minutes and not feel like I had just sprinted across the country. I want to see a sappy commercial and not cry. I want to be able to tell someone about Maddy for the first time and not hear that familiar crack in my voice. I want to know how to get everything done that has to be done and still learn to be a mom...and bond with my baby.

I am going to end this sad little entry with a song I sing to Maddy. It is by one of my fave Christian folk singers, JJ Heller. It is the song that I sang to her when she was still forming inside of me...and I will sing it for her all her life.

"Quiet your heart, it's just a dream. Go back to sleep.
I'll be right here, I'll stay awake, as long as you need me
to slay all the dragons and keep out the monsters.
I'm watching over you.

My love is a light driving away all of your fears.
So, don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe.

You'll have your own battles to fight when you are older.
You'll find yourself frozen inside, but always remember-
When you feel alone, facing the giants, and you don't know what to do:

My love is a light driving away all of your fears.
So, don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe."

And....I am crying. Sheesh. It is all for love.

Happy one week Bday to Maddy

In 20 minutes it will be exactly one week since Maddy came into the world. I am humbled to think of it all. I don't really comprehend all that has happened yet. I am not sure how it has already been one week. I went back on FB and read my mom's wall from the 48 hours of craziness from the beginning of last week and cried. So many people praying for us, and offering comfort and encouragement. I needed it. I tell you what...I needed the prayers. Chris sat down and read information about HELLP syndrome to me last night and both of us became emotional. I think it will be a while before we can even talk about it normally.

Chris and I are both pretty amazed at parenthood right now. We have come by the experience a little differently than a lot of people. We aren't actually "parenting" yet, but we are definitely parents. She is always on our minds. Chris had a few pictures printed for us to look at while at home or in the car. Last night we were laying on the couch with our heads smushed together looking at them for the 15th time. I was surprised at the physical reaction that her little picture can envoke in me. Every nerve ending in my body tingles and my heart lurches and my skin gets goose bumps and my eyes water. All at once. And i can barely stand to look at the pictures of her on the day they took off her Cpap for us to take pictures...the ones where her face is splotchy and red. It hurts to look at those pictures...hurts in some strange hidden place inside of me that i can't really name.

I look at her now, though, and she is like a different baby. So quickly she has improved!

Chris and I spent 3 hours with her yesterday. When we arrived she was without a feeding tube and Chris saw two empty bottles in the trash....so, we deduced that she is now being bottle fed (i know...sherlock and watson here.) The nurse came in to see us and she was actually the nurse who took care of Maddy seconds after she was born. I didn't remember this, but Chris recognized her right away.

Maddy actually took a bottle while Chris and I were there. It was demonstration time this go around and I watched her eat like a tiny little piglet. She even burped twice when her back was rubbed. Big burps that were like a chirping bird. She then cuddled on my chest for 45 minutes....I had to pee so badly almost the whole time. but I couldn't stand to give her back. Finally, when a moment of weakness almost caused an accident, I let Chris have her and ran to the restroom.

She curled up comfortably on his chest and resumed her nap. The whole two hours we held her she was unplugged from every wire except for her IV (which may come out today) and her little monitor leads. Even her nasal canula were unhooked for those two hours...meaning she was doing all her breathing completely unassisted. and her numbers stayed perfect. THE WHOLE TIME! Another little miracle.

The nurse was going to remove the canula last night, after the doc examined Maddy once more. they wanted to watch her numbers another 6 hours before removing it because it was a lot of taping on her face that needed to be removed and they didn't want to repeat it all.

We are heading that way here soon and I will have another update. Chris and I have not been told an estimated time of release for her....and we are trying to still focus on 2 more weeks...but it is very hard not to get a little excited. We went on a minor shopping trip yesterday. We were so unprepared for her early arrival, we needed things like diapers and a diaper bag...the 15 minutes I hobbled at snail's speed through Target took almost a day's worth of energy and I suffered later last night. But it was worth it to get some of that stuff that we needed.

So, we will have another update for you soon. love you all!

Our little Easter Bunny

Chris has been saying this whole week that Maddy is an Easter miracle. She is. I am constantly amazed at the determination of that little 5 day old cutie pie.

I haven't updated since Friday morning...so the last you know is that we changed a diaper and she took her vent out.

Friday afternoon we got to spend a lot of time with her. I was getting around a lot better and we made a few trips into just sit with her. I am having a lot of success pumping and she has only had to be supplemented with formula one time at the very beginning. I feel profoundly proud that I am at least getting that one part right!

Friday night was a rough night. My BP was way up and then all the storms blew through. We thought they would miss us...but we watched the weather and out of our window as the weather grew worse and worse. With that, my anxiety level rose. My baby was hooked up to a ton of wires and much needed oxygen and positioned not even 3 feet from two windows. I sat in the bed trying to remain calm...my pulse getting faster...when someone across the hall sneezed and I screamed a curse word while simultaneously bawling and laughing hysterically. We had visitors at the time and I was mortified by my outburst. I was strung so tightly that I had completely forgotten my manners. I didnt understand the reaction at all...the incessent crying and crazed laughter.

Once I had calmed down for a few minutes, the tornado sirens went off. We were shuffled into the hall. There i sat, barefeet and all, surrounded by 7 women holding their babies. Keeping them safe. I shook my leg to distract myself and tried not to cry. Chris and his dad left the ward to see if the NICU was open. (they close from 6:30-8:30 AM and PM for shift change and other duties) It wasn't. chris was able to see through a courtyard into her window and she was still all hooked up and in the same spot.

A few minutes later, they let us back into our rooms. I instantly sat on the bed and wept. Not 5 minutes later, I had another terrible reaction when Tammy's cell phone vibrated in her pocket, scaring her so much that she jumped. Her jumping caused me another jolt of uncontrolled panic and I ordered everyone to leave. At that same moment, chris took me by the arm and led me back to the hallway, 15 seconds before the sirens started. I sat there crying. My doctor came by and stood in the middle of all of us new moms and said "If you have a baby in the NICU, they are doing everything they can to move them away from the windows...but if they are hooked to O2, there is only so much we can do." I looked around...I was the only one not holding her baby. I wanted to ask "And are any of those people going to throw their body on top of my baby if they need to? I will if you just let me in there." But I just looked at the floor and prayed for the storm to pass quickly so that I could go lay eyes on her myself.

A few minutes passed and Chris told me to come back to the room. I put on my shoes and ate a bite of food before we headed in to see her. She was moved an extra 1/2 foot from the window, still sleeping soundly. Still, she was okay...totally oblivious to all the anxiety I had just experienced. I went to bed that night very agitated and didn't sleep well. I watched like 4 episodes of Golden Girls and 2 hours of infomercials.

The next day, yesterday, I was scheduled for release. They told me we could stay as late as 9PM but I knew it was time for me to leave. I was in some pain but said no to meds for a couple of hours so that I could be alert...because I knew that this could be the day I would get to hold Maddy. Well, sure enough, Debbie the nurse called and told us to come right away. You have probably seen the pictures on facebook. She unhooked the monkey and laid her on my bare chest...skin to skin. I could feel her every breath and heartbeat. I could hear little puffs of air coming from her tiny mouth. even though she was reattached to all those wires...she was really just attached to me. I couldn't believe how little she weighed. I have held many newborns in my time...nothing has ever felt so weightless, so fragile, as this little girl I was holding. I found that i held my breath everytime she moved. Chris and I kept our eyes on the monitor to check her stats. She fell asleep...right on my chest...and it was a miracle.

Later that day, Debbie called again for Dad to come do Kangaroo Care. KC is skin to skin with baby...and dads get to do it too. So, we headed back. And Chris unbuttoned his shirt and sat down while Debbie unhooked Maddy again and laid her on his chest. She curled up sort of on her side and looked up at him...her little eyes still a little woozy. He would say something and she would search for his face. She looks for him so much more than she does me. I figure she knows my voice much more and his seems familiar enough to be curious. She wet her diaper while he was holding her and pitched a royal fit. Found out later it was 1 teaspoon of urine making her so mad.

We both were sort of on cloud nine...well, not sort of. absolutely floating on air. I cried when we left her because I knew we were being discharged in a few minutes. Debbie hugged me and told me she would see us Tuesday. I cried all the way back to my room. Chris went to get the car and i sat beside the door...crying. I wanted to be home...I wanted Chris to get to sleep in a bed. I wanted to feel carpet on my feet and take a shower in my own bathroom. But I wanted nothing to do with leaving my baby at the hospital. You just don't ever imagine having to do it. I came in on Monday pregnant and now I am not...so I should have a baby in a carrier, right? They wheeled me down to Chris, still crying. I got in the car and took a deep breath. Chris put his hand on my leg and held it there like an knot tying a boat to the dock.

I drifted by last night. looking at her picture every 5 minutes. Chris and i both had our moments of complete emotional distress. Nothing triggered it. It was just like a natural tide...sadness, peace, joy, anguish, love...back to sadness.

I had so much pain last night. Everyone kept telling me to be better at taking my meds...that being home was different that being in a hospital where you bed moves for you and where you walk maybe 10 feet at a time. I sort of thought it was all bull. I did too much and I suffered. I woke Chris up so much last night, crying in pain, barely able to get out of bed to pee. I felt like I had taken 12 giant steps backwards to the first day after surgery. I didn't sleep well. I woke up with adrenaline in my blood...ready to go see Maddy. I didn't feel tired at all. Still hurting, I got myself ready, pulled hair into a ponytail (surprise surprise), threw on some powder, brushed my teeth, packed our pumping bag, and we headed out. Chris and I enjoyed the ride to the hospital. we listened to good music and talked about Easter.

We walked into the NICU and a nurse I'd never seen said "Oh, Maddy's parents. Wait until you see your little girl today."

Well, what a sight it was. She was off of her Cpap machine...off of oxygen...just had a little nasal canula (spelling?) that was keeping pressure on her nose. Her entire face was visible. She was zonked out with a small grin on her face, like she was saying "Yeah...this is better." I stood there looking at my sweet girl and Chris was just goofy grinning all over the place. It was incredible. I instantly felt the adrenaline leave my body. I felt instantly exhausted. All the energy I had seeped right out of me. I realized i was relaxing...seeing her so contented, so self sufficient, it let my body relax.

We both held her again, this time in a little pink onesie we brought for her first Easter picture. it swallowed her up...we havent had a chance to get Preemie stuff yet and the little bit we have been given hadnt been washed. So she wore a big girl onesie today. She was still hooked to a few monitor leads and her canula, but there was no elephant hose coming off of her head. We both got to kiss her face and toes, cradle her and look into her eyes.

I told her about Easter...well, not the whole story. I told her that Easter was a day that represented how much God loves her...the He loves her more than mommy and daddy ever could and that she will one day learn to love him back.

Chris told her about her nursery. He told her it had a lot of pink and she made a mad face...That's my girl!

It was time for her to eat, so she was tube fed and I fell asleep by her bed, pumping. When we left, it somehow felt different. Still a little sadness...still a little anxiety...but also a lot of excitement. We both felt that peace again...the one that soothes all the achy parts.

we called tonight to check on her...still doing great. We will see her again tomorrow and the next day, and the next day...until she gets a little bigger, a little stronger, learns to "suck, swallow, breathe" and then, soon, she will be coming home with us.

She is such a dream come true. I look at this picture of her little face...smiling a little...and i cannot believe she is our daughter. That we made such a feisty and amazing little person. It is the most overwhelming feeling in the world. We are so blessed.

Thank you for your prayers. we still have a way to go....but God is able to do more than what we could ever ask for or imagine....And oh how He loves us!

Friday's update

Well, last night was exciting.

First, at 6PM, I got to change my first diaper with Maddy Paddy. Her tiny hiney was about 2 inches wide...not joking. my hands shook as I took her tiny legs in my hand and lifted that rearend up. she was fine but i kept looking at her to see that i wasnt crushing something. it was a sweet moment. Daddy put the new diaper on and folded it so gently below her little belly.

Second, at around 8:45 PM, i had an allergic reaction to some new Blood Pressure meds...i turned as red as a lobster and started to shake. my bp is still too high...so the meds are necessary...and they have now changed me to a different medication.

We were planning to change another diaper at 10PM and called ahead to see if that was still when they wanted us to come. Well, the nurse told us reluctantly that they had already had to change her diaper. Chris was about to be disappointed when she added, "Your little one took her ventilator tube out. She is no longer on a vent, but on the CPAP (which is SO great!). Come see her." Chris bounded out of his chair. "Thats my monkey!" he yelled! So, because i was still having my reaction, he plopped me into a wheelchair and took me to see her. she looked like a different baby! i could see her face so much better. She had on a pink cap with little swirls coming off the top. she was on her belly and had worked herself into the cutest position. Left arm up over her head, right arm straight out to the side, and she was passed out. she was breathing with very little assistance from the CPAP...it just applies pressure to keep her lungs pulling in enough oxygen.

the new nurse said she came in that night, thinking it was going to be a quiet evening...poured herself a cup of coffee and heard crying. she looked up and it was Maddy! Crying! Chris looked at her and said "I know she made your job a little difficult...and i am sorry...but i am so proud of her!" the nurse laughed and said "no way! its a great thing. she wanted the tube out and she took it out."

You would have thought that Maddy had just won the nobel peace prize. Chris and I floated around the rest of the night. I felt awful and shook until my back spasmed...but i couldn't take the smile off of my face. All night long i thought of her. and for the first time...i slept!

This morning was even better. I had some anxiety that she might deteriorate over night. well, i pumped and we took her food- i was walking (felt like running) and checked out my slowly flattening belly in the window...for the first time i really felt like i could jump or scream or cry or all of it. it is just almost too much joy to stand.

So, we get to the NICU this morning and she is on her back. We are washing our hands and she started crying because the tiny pacifier had fallen out of her mouth. I just stopped and turned around. I stared at her...hearing her make a noise for the first time since the minute she was delivered. Her jaw shook and her toes spread and we just beamed. The nurse put the paci back in her mouth and I was sad to not hear that noise anymore. She kicked both feet up in the air, crossed her legs, put her hand up by her face (like in every ultrasound) and fell asleep. Chris and I spent about 30 minutes touching her and wrapping our hands around her tiny body. We watched her chest expand and knew she was getting stronger each moment. We told her it was Good Friday and that she was an Easter miracle.

She loves to have her feet touched....like hers mama! of course, i cannot stand to not touch those tiny little toes. And now that i have been writing this, I am ready to go see her again. so we will have another update soon.

love to you all from us three!

Madelyn Eve Austin

The following was typed into my cell phone between the hours of 3 am and 5 am Thursday morning.- please forgive spelling and grammar.

I want you all to know the story of little Madelyn Eve Austin. It is a bit long at this point, as we have a lot for you to catch up on.

I am going to be very honest...although not graphic...with you. I had a plan. It didn’t include a c-section or a 4-lb baby whose head is smaller than my own palm. It didn’t include medicine at all. My pan was to have Maddy between her due date and 42 weeks. I planned to go into labor and for Chris to be the incredible coach he was on his way to being. In fact, I had been caught saying to maddy “you can’t come out any earlier than May 23rd because Mama has to get the May June issue of hall county magazine to the printer and have most of July august finished so Mama can focus on you after you are born.” It all seems a bit indulgent and childish now and those expectations have probably made this experience a little harder to deal with. However, it does remind me why God is in charge and I am not. So we have to revise the plan somehow. So I can heal from the story you are about to read. So I can live between a hospital NICU and my house for the next couple of weeks. So I can get a magazine to press..so that when my baby does come home finally, I can finally bond with her. That is the new goal. This time I am leaving room for God’s adjustments where necessary.

So here is our story:
I had the sweetest little pregnancy. I wasn’t too sick in the beginning, my midwife appointments went smoothly, my vitals were good...I was surrounded by love and so was maddy- right from the start! You may remember that I really popped out around 26 weeks. Suddenly people wanted to know if I was “Due any moment” or “possibly having twins.” (Just some friendly advice- just because these thoughts enter your mind...they may not be helpful to an expectant mom who is already nervous about all things.) The reason I popped out was that God was making me a long skinny little baby who only had one direction to grow in my short torso- straight out.

Around the beginning of March, people very close to me started to really notice I was swelling up...especially around the feet and ankles. Some of which was to be expected. At first, my midwives weren’t very concerned because my blood pressure still looked fine.
Chris and started to take childbirth classes with Teresa Howard, who is A Labor of Love doula. Teresa helped to shape a new part of who I am. She has loved on me and Chris for about 4 weeks now and I have already grown to be a bit of a better person just in knowing her. She taught me so many things about myself and my relationship with Chris. She showed us how to find the beautiful and secret places in our marriage. So sweet are these places that it makes me ache a little to think of them. They are the connecting threads of a marriage that remind me that God intends marriage for a very special purpose...and He brought me and Chris together for reasons that are uniquely ours. Yes, a birthing class helped teach me this...it is amazing what you can learn when you open your eyes and ears to new things.

Well...the week of the Hooked UP event at Chestnut Mtn... things changed. I went non-stop from work at 8:30 am to almost 10pm those nights on feet that were so swollen, my shoes would be stuck. I didn’t sleep well that week...my face puffed up in places that only people closest to me could notice. I couldn’t bend my toes or ankles, couldn’t wear but one pair of flip-flops, couldn’t sit on the floor. I had a baby shower that Saturday- one I look back on in shock. I was terribly swollen and the following Monday, I found out why.

Monday, March 30- my midwife did a few routine checks on Maddy and said she was doing beautifully. I, however, was not. My blood pressure was around 150/99 when it needed to be its normal range of 130/78. She saw my feet and rolled my jeans up to reveal my swollen legs that had “pitted edema.” She pressed four firm fingers into the flesh below my knee and there remained 4 finger marks when she moved her hand. She put me on partial bed rest until my labs came back. I was told:
1- Work until 1pm each day and then work from bed.
2- Eat lots of protein because I was spilling lots of protein into my urine (an indication that my organs weren’t filtering correctly.)
3- Lay on my left side only when home.
4- Take blood pressure and keep an eye on it.

So we headed out. Scared. I was told to take the rest of that Monday off. So, Chris and I took that day to get adjusted to what I thought would be merely a week of inconvenience. I worked Tuesday until 1PM. When I got home and checked my blood pressure, it was 176/116. I called the doctor’s office immediately and was put on complete bed rest, 250 mg Methyldopa (spelling?) for blood pressure. Chris’ mom, Tammy, came down from Charlotte to help me. I set up a workstation downstairs. Computer and files by the couch, printer and fax nearby...after all, I had important work to do.

Come Saturday and Sunday, my BP was doing better- not great. I had a tough time with bed rest. I will admit that I tried to do too much. Chris and Tammy had to practically sit on my at times. But, in the end, I paid a pretty big price for my stubbornness.

Monday, April 6th- Chris and I went in for an ultrasound- which Maddy passed with flying colors. When we met with the midwife- my blood pressure was up, even though my feet and ankles looked better. But, my urine protein levels were up at 5+ (the week before they were 4+) and my platelets had been borderline. So, Chris and I were sent 1 mile down the road to North Fulton Regional Hospital for a 24 urine test and some more extensive blood work. Monday afternoon, I was admitted into Labor and Delivery and met a wonderful group of women that I have grown to love dearly. The first was Linda, the charge nurse- who made the best ice packs for my neck and made me laugh despite myself. The second was Katie, who was just IN CHARGE. She was there for me the first night...the night I became so sick.
Around 5PM Monday, I started to deteriorate. I have had to get help from Chris and his mom to remember some of this part. I only realized when I started going detail by detail, how serious this all really got.

All day, we had been told that I would have the results of all my tests back on Tuesday evening. So far, though, things didn’t look so great. I was put on IV meds for my blood pressure and started on Magnesium to avoid seizures due to the high pressure. The magnesium was wretched. My body felt like it was on fire. I ached like I had the flu and could never get comfortable. Maddy was mad as a hornet inside of me and kicked and kicked (what a strong and feisty baby- the nurses said) until I thought I was bruised. As the night progressed, I developed severe abdominal pain on my right side. Excruciating pain. I would liken it to hellacious indigestion that doesn’t relent, doesn’t lessen, no matter what meds you get, no matter what you do. I had headaches and began to sweat, all while knowing my BP was still too high. At the time, we didn’t know this, though it had been mentioned quietly, I was not only pre-eclamptic, but quite possibly developing HELLP syndrome.

A note on HELLP syndrome: What is HELLP Syndrome?
HELLP is the medical term for one of the most serious complications of pre-eclampsia, in which there is a combined liver and blood clotting disorder.
H stands for Haemolysis (rupture of the red blood cells);
EL stands for Elevated Liver enzymes in the blood (reflecting liver damage);
LP stands for Low blood levels of Platelets (specialised cells which are vital for normal clotting).
HELLP is as dangerous as eclampsia (convulsions) and probably more common, although it is less easy to diagnose.
Some specialists believe that HELLP may be on the increase for reasons which are not known.
What are the signs and symptoms?
HELLP syndrome may be preceded by clear signs of pre-eclampsia - most typically high blood pressure, protein in the urine and swelling of hands, feet or face. But, like eclampsia, it can also arise out of the blue without any of the classic warning signs. The typical presenting symptom is pain just below the ribs ('epigastric pain'), sometimes accompanied by vomiting and headaches. This pain is sometimes confused with the discomfort of heartburn, a very common problem during pregnancy. But, unlike heartburn, the pain of HELLP syndrome is not burning, does not spread upwards towards the throat and is not relieved by antacid. The pain is often very severe and is associated with tenderness over the liver.
We didn’t really know all the details...we just knew we could possibly have a baby this week. So, I sent Chris home...he was not a happy camper...to sleep and go to work because I truly thought I was going to be better and we would have more time. I was apparently living in a dream world. His mom and I experienced on horrific night together. I was checked on constantly. Tammy was either fanning me or fetching me things since I wasn’t allowed out of bed and nurses came and went frequently. At 5 AM they drew new blood and Tammy decided to call my parents in just in case. We called chris at 5:30 and called in to work to say he wouldn’t be there and headed back to the hospital. Word came to me and at 6:30 Chris received the text message from me that read : they are delivering me by c section at 8 this morning. He walked in 6:40 and at 7:30 I was begging the nurses and doctors to let me wait to see my parents. I received an epidural. The one thing I wanted the least was the one thing I couldn’t live without. Chris held me as I listened to David Crowder sing “You Never Let Go.” I remembver that I got through the whole song before the epidural was done... “Oh my soul, overflows. Oh what love! OH what love!”- the words that carried me through. My doctor postponed the section until 8:30 and I got to see and love on my parents just before they took me back.

For the previous 24 hours, Chris and I had been told all of the risks of having a 33 week old baby. Lung and heart issues...weeks on a ventilator, etc. We were told she probably wouldn’t cry right when she came out. Well, laying on that table, I was trying to be so brave and composed until I heard the loudest scream reach out to me from the other side of the curtain. I wept as my tiny little girl screamed for me: “Mama, I am okay. I am so strong. I was ready to meet you.” The surgeons tended to me while Chris watched the neo natal specialist tend to Maddy. He snapped her first picture and brought it over to show me. They brought her around and Chris and I kissed her little cap.

The whole family was able to see me after recovery. Just a few at a time. My sister fed me chicken broth and my brother came in from a snowy and fast-paced drive home from a camping trip. All Maddy’s closest family was able to be near us in some way. I was loved on and loved on. Chris got to see Maddy in the NICU and took family back one by one to see her. That night, Chris and I met Carol- the nurse who will always have a special place in my heart. She became a stronghold for both of us. She even watched a few minutes of Idol with me while Chris ran out to get a drink.

Still sick Tuesday night, I needed help sleeping. I was still on the epidural for pain and the magnesium for seizures. Chris checked on Maddy before bedtime. She had been breathing with only a little CPAP machine for a while that day, but had needed to be placed on a ventilator to give her lungs a break. He told me she was beautiful and showed me the pictures that you have all seen on facebook. I never thought I would see my baby’s first pictures the same way all of my friends would- on a computer screen.

Wednesday morning, I said goodbye to Carol and moved to a post-partum room. I was able to start to provide about 3cc’s of colostrum for Maddy- which helped me to feel I had really become a mom and wasn’t just recovering from surgery. I began to get agitated and emotional around 11. I wanted my meds off and to see my baby. I finally came off the magnesium, epidural, and some other wires around 3. I shook occasionally from pain and adrenaline. I cried uncontrollably and my left leg was very slow to regain mobility and I stumbled twice trying to get into the wheelchair. But I got in and Chris wheeled me down the hall to see Maddy for the first time.

The NICU is a peaceful place. It smells like caramel coffee creamer and there is a sense of peace and anticipation...as though something miraculous is always happening. We wheeled up to the tiniest little baby in an open bed. She was under bilirubin lights because she had become a bit jaundiced. They turned of the bili light and took off the little goggles on her eyes. I was in a wheelchair so I could only see her from her feet up. They were tiny, papery, and purple. She squirmed. She had tubes all over. Her legs looked like they were made of parchment paper. She is so sensitive to everything that I could only apply light constant pressure to her skin. I pressed my thumb into her foot a little and she pushed back. I whispered so as not to set off her alarms. And I cried. All the emotions you expect to feel the first time you see your baby...love, awe, passion...I felt them. But I also felt crushing guilt and fear. She wasn’t supposed to be out yet. She wasn’t meant to be hooked up to tubes and laying topless on a table. She was still supposed to be beneath my heart. Yet, there she was. Less than 4 pounds, only 30 hours old. I prayed for her lungs to grow strong. I prayed for her to please still love me even though I got her here too early and couldn’t hold her or kiss her.

I got to see her once more yesterday. I started to feel and look like Eryn again at 4 or so...after I took a sponge bath and had my hair washed. I hugged and kissed my sweet husband and spent time with my family. And I started to walk! My left leg decided to join the party.

At 9 last night, I pumped and walked my baby’s food down to her...slowly...tearfully...clinging to Chris for support. She seemed smaller. I stood beside her and looked in her face for the first time. She had on little soft goggles to protect her eyes from the bili lights. I cried more and then composed myself and washed up really well. Then I walked up and put one hand on her feet and the other hand on her head. I applied the tiniest bit of pressure to both ends. In the span of my two hands, I held my Maddy. I looked at the tiny shell of her ear...the fuzzy head of hair that we still think could be a little red. I looked at her sinewy arms, long fingers, her long legs...her tiny chest and that belly working so hard to bring in air. I told her things. That I loved her more than she would ever know. That God had made her just for me and Daddy. That there would never be another Maddy Austin. That she was so strong. That we would keep her safe. That she was the story God wanted me to write the most.

She began to squirm and I could feel she wanted to cry, though the tubes kept any sound from escaping. I grew upset that I couldn’t do anything...so chris collected me and we slowly came back to our room where I was given the meds that I had put off to go see her. Chris and I sat and talked about when we were dating...we listened to songs we had loved back then. We laughed. I got to look at my husband and see a totally new man. As if he could get any better, he is forever changed. And sitting with him last night, I realized that this wasn’t either of our plans. We couldn’t have forseen or changed it...we don’t know why it happened. But we are special family with a special and unique story. Chris and I will never be the same after the trials of this week. I will never doubt his courage, faith, or incredible love for me.

It is 5 AM and I am typing this into my phone. Long as this story seems, I beg you to stay tuned. Maddy has only started to tell her story.

finding the sweet spot

How exhausted I feel.

Exhausted and often deliriously happy. I cannot make up my mind which is the greater of the two. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and stopped for a moment to wonder at who I am now. With a round pregnant belly and rounding cheeks, surrounded by a familiar home of my own, with things that have accumulated throughout the course of my life. I stood at my dresser and thought back to age 17, when I thought I had figured so much out. I thought 1- I knew exactly who I was, 2- I knew exactly who God wanted me to be, 3- All of my life's future happiness could hang on the pinky finger of a boy, and 4- It was impossible to actually be 100% complete within myself.

There I stood, belly and all, and up walks this man, this great man, who proceeds to smack my rear on his way to the bathroom. I watched him go and I looked around our bedroom. The picture on the shelf from his "long hair" days, the handmade thank you cards we received as a wedding gift, my socks on the loveseat, his phone on the night stand.

"When you come home...does it feel like home?" I asked from the bedroom.
Poking his head out of the bathroom, and cocking his head to the side, he answered "Yes...we have made a very cozy home." He went back to the bathroom.

It is moments like that when I just awe at the way my life's little pieces have placed themselves in order. A home of my own, a job doing what I love, a baby girl who currently resides within my body and within my heart, a family that, no matter which way you look at it, makes me feel blissfully happy, a husband who is preciously in love with me, a group of 9th grade girls that are changing my life....i could go on and on and on.

I arrived here somehow. And tracing the steps backwards, I realize that it was not I that did the walking, but instead, it was I who did the following. I cannot find the time when I finally stopped forcing my own hand, and wishing my own small wishes. It happened. And now I am here.

At the sweet spot.

How do you find the sweet spot?

I think it must start at the place when you decide to really seek it, instead of just hoping to find it. Because, really, the sweet spot can be anywhere you place it.

Sweet spot=contentment=wholeness=faith=bliss