Hope that All will be made Clear!- Continued

At my 38 week appt, Dr. Reinhardt delivered the news that I was spilling more protein into my urine than he was comfortable with. When he examined me and found that my body was not at all ready for a VBAC-safe induction, he expressed his belief that we needed to schedule a cesarean birth soon. His words were met with my tears, which he was used to. He always met my tears with compassion, patience, and understanding. This time, I think it pained him to see me struggle with this news. He knew first hand how hard I had worked to get my natural birth. He knew my fears and anxiety about cesareans was real and based on the terrifying experience we had with Maddy. In his usual way of surprising us, he even rearranged his spring break to be able to, in his words- "have the honor" of attending my cesarean birth.


Please understand that I am not a wimp. haha. My cesarean with Maddy was devoid of the normal joy you expect during a birth. It was cold and sterile. No one spoke comfort to me. No one really spoke TO me at all. I was so sick I could barely hold onto reality. I didn't know my doctor, I didn't even know my nurses' names.

So, my fears were based on that experience. I worked through it as best as I could during the weekend. I mourned the loss of my ideal birth. I dug deep for courage. I cried uncontrollably at times too. Sue me.

When the time came, everything sort of went opposite of last time. The nurses made me laugh. We listened to "Dancing Queen" during my spinal block. I was taken care of with tenderness and joy. Everyone was smiling. After all, a miracle is a miracle, no matter how it  manifests, yes? These men and women were excited for us. And I found their enthusiasm to be infectious. Dr. Reinhardt talked to me and made me laugh during the birth. Everything was different, even the moment I saw these chewable cheeks pop over the curtain. I cried such fierce tears of joy that I thought I would just burst. There he was! There was his nose and his lips and his head full of hair! he was so perfect and so real and it was just too much!!! Everything was so different!!!

Until....

Above the noise and chatter, I hear the words "Yeah, we have an IV started...." My head came off the table and swiveled in all directions. What did they say? Where did that come from? Why an IV? I know what that means!!!! I believe it was Dr. McKay, the sweet anesthesiologist, who told me that River was having breathing difficulties. Finally, a nurse came over to inform me that River was "pulling" to breathe and needed to go straight to the NICU. I got to kiss him before he left....and then everything was the same. I cried and shook my head. Asked Chris why this was happening again. Why? Why can't I have normal pregnancies, normal deliveries? Why do my babies have to go through this? I know the NICU means needles, noise, lights, medicines, etc. Why is that how my babies first experience life? Why can't I hold them?

My defeat seeped out of my heart and filled me with anger. I tried to shove it down, I laughed when a joke was made...but in reality...that room was just an OR suddenly. The laughter was just noise, the joy was just a ruse. I was a failure at bringing babies into the world healthy. The thoughts...the questions I asked God in those first moments. I am ashamed of them. Please know that I am not a mean spirited person...but I thought such mean things about all of you who know nothing of these events...I felt such jealousy of you holding your infants in their first moments...of never knowing the smell or sight or sound of a NICU room. And, as quickly as those thoughts entered, God squashed them. He smashed them with this simple truth- You, my daughter, are NOT in control of this. I have it, I have always had it, and I will hold it together. Let me do this.

Just typing that makes my stomach turn. It was so true. So true that it ached like a hole in the center of my chest. I was so busy asking WHY?!! Why me?! Why us? PITY PITY PITY!! I had lost sight of God's sovereignty and spit in His loving face.

The next hour was recovery. Where I got to see family so briefly it wasn't even fair. Dr. Reinhardt spent time with me, reassuring me, just talking to me. My mom and dad got to meet him finally and I cried as my dad tearfully thanked him for taking such good care of me. Soon, the NICU nurses came up to tell me that River's situation was not just a case of "wet" lungs from not being squeezed through the birth canal (which, to be honest, is what I assumed). Instead, xrays showed he had underdeveloped lungs...which would mean a longer stay in the unit...which would mean I was probably going home at the end of the week with an empty infant carrier in the back seat. Been there...done that. I cried and told them honestly that I just didn't understand. I still don't.

They rolled my bed into the NICU guys....seriously. I rolled up in that place like the Queen of freakin Sheba. They rolled me up to his bed where I was allowed to barely touch him and barely speak. I saw him for maybe 5 minutes and was taken up to my post partum room.

The details that follow leave me a little confused...but this is sort of how it went-

He was on CPAP...but had to be put on a ventilator to administer Surfactant into his little lungs and give them much needed rest. Dr. Cabrera, our beautiful and precious neonatologist, wasn't sure the Surf would work, but felt it was definitely worth a shot. Well, we now have TWO babies who were successfully treated with Surf! Thank you March of Dimes! He responded well and was only on the vent for a little more than half a day. He progressed quickly after that. His O2 sats kept going up while his dependency on O2 through a tube decreased. He finally got to eat after a few days...and I had worked my butt off for those tiny vials of milk! His billirubin levels teetered near the more dangerous levels but never quite got there. Soon, those levels went down. Before we knew it, he was on a nasal cannula, weaning off of oxygen altogether.

We both held him before we left the hospital. As precious a moment as it was with Maddy. Talk about delayed gratification. To only touch a foot or a finger and then suddenly to hold them all at once on your chest. OMG. The emotions that flow...the relief that floods. Such peace and grace in that moment.

Before we left that Saturday, we spent a few hours by his bed, holding him and kissing him. I cried a few tears and hugged our sweet nurse, Paige, and we left. In the elevator, Chris and I stood for a moment in silence. Then, we kissed and gave each other a high-five...no weeping this time. We were leaving a healthy baby in capable hands and we were trusting God and those doctors/nurses to do their thing.

Sure enough, every time we visited, he had made new progress. He was moved to the ICN- intermediate care nursery and we began to care for him more and more on our own. We settled into a routine of spending early mornings and late nights with him while spending time during the day with Maddy. We just waited for the day he would come home.

During those days, God worked on me big time...helping me prepare my heart to be fully ready to be mom to two kids. He healed my brokenness and filled me with joy and hope. He met me every day at River's bedside. We would all stand and gaze down at that baby and my sweet Lord would whisper the sweetest things to my heart. "This is my boy. See how I healed his lungs? Do you see how perfect he has always been, even in his sickness? Believe me, you will know why one day. You and Chris are blessed to endure these trials...it is my way to lead you even through the dark."

What a sweet Father!! Don't you see? He has sent His son before us to make a way...but He will lead us through the fallen times...the times of defeat, just as He leads through the joyful times! He doesn't leave us. He stands beside us, does battle with us, and holds us up when our own strength fails. The best part?? He plans to use it all for His glory and for our good.

I cannot see it. He has not shown me the why yet. I can guess at some reasons...but He has not revealed his intentions.

For now, I know this:

Being a mom to two is not easy. I commend all of you who have gone before me. Well done!

Watching River breathe is sometimes like scratching an itch. Sometimes it provides relief...most of the time, it just begets more itching...and I cannot stop watching. Watching for a pull here...watching the rate of respiration.

Parents of babies who spend time in the NICU do not belong to some elite club. It would be pretty pitiful if we did. We hold no special cards or medals. We have a different understanding of our kids' anatomy...we know weird words...we feel for other NICU babies in very visceral and familial ways. Our hearts are stretched in different ways. We have fears that most parents cannot even imagine. But, mostly, we understand one another. If there is NO other reason for Maddy and River both struggling so in the beginning of their lives- it is enough for me and it is enough for Chris to get to love on and reach out to other parents who walk the same or similar paths. It has already come to be...and the opportunities continue to arise. If God only wishes to equip us uniquely for this purpose, that is enough reason for us.


The truest thing I know- "When I cannot stand, I'll fall on you." - Lord, I Need You by Chris Tomlin

Hope that All will be made Clear!

By now you know the gist of our most recent blessing, River's, entrance into our lives.

You know he arrived on April 5th, at 38.5 weeks gestational age and that he was admitted directly to the NICU for "premature" lungs. You know he was 7 pounds, 6 ounces. You know we were all shocked.

Here is what you may not know.

At 33 weeks, we began to see signs that I was possibly heading towards another joyful experience with PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension).

You should know that back when we found out we were expecting River, I hand-picked my doctor, Dr. Jeff Reinhardt with Longstreet Clinic, because of his experience and understanding of PIH and Pre-eclampsia. As our relationship with him grew, we learned to trust him fully, not with the typical skepticism with which you may approach a doctor. I put all my hopes for this pregnancy and birth in his hands and the hands of another amazing man and midwife- Jack McGuire. These two men collaborated on my case and took such good care of me that I find now that I miss them quite a lot. 

In the weeks that followed that initial PIH scare, I was on bed rest and at the doc twice a week. I got to know River's heartbeat so well in those weeks. I heard them each time we did a non-stress test and each time we did an ultrasound. I knew with visual confirmation where each of his little body parts were, that his knees were the little bumps that kept poking out under my ribs, and that his sweet hands were always by his head. The evidence was always clear- River was in astounding shape...he was healthy and thriving. All great news! The bed rest was effective, as weeks passed we noticed my vitals were remaining stable and the signs weren't worsening.

My birth plan had been the same this time as it was the last- to have a natural labor and birth- to, in a selfish admission, redeem my last very frightening birth experience. I knew my chances were great of having another pre term baby, and in my desire to still have a natural VBAC, I did everything Dr. R and Jack told me I could to increase my chances. I worked on his positioning and took supplements to get my body ready. I did visualization, I read books, I prayed....I believed it would happen the way I wanted this time.

If I have learned anything in the past month, it is that I am a simple minded fool when it comes to "what will happen." I have no ability to gauge the future and base my decisions upon what is coming my way. I have no intuition or foresight. I am merely able to live my life day to day and do the best I can to be at my best.

When 37 weeks came and went, we rejoiced at my little victory of not having had a baby yet! We made it to term with this one and I could have thrown a party!!

To be continued....