I've had a rough night. Emotional.
I am ready for Maddy to be home. I am confused about my sudden influx of exhaustion and anxiety. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on all of this. I thought I was coping well. Then tonight, one little tiny thing set me off on a weeping fest. I felt like my chest would burst at any moment. I am praying, nay, grasping for peace and patience. I'm trying to plan out the next part of this adventure. Trying to figure out how to be all the things I need to be for all of the people who need me. I just don't know how i am going to do it.
I think about Maddy constantly. Everything points back to her. I can be laughing one minute, or sleeping even, and suddenly she is there....so completely filling up my heart that I feel short of breath...as though she was infinite in size and not just 4 pounds. I take Benadryl to sleep because I miss her so much at night that I just lay there, staring at the ceiling (or watching the Office), wondering when I will get to bond with her, be her mommy, spend more than a couple of hours with her.
Chris is exhausted. He has worked until 10 every night this week. He is dealing with this all in his own way. We are both sort of walking in slow motion, barely cognizant of all the things occuring around us.
I find that I cling to my Jesus so tightly right now. It isn't even a conscious effort. I grabbed onto him last monday night and just havent really let go. every thought of Maddy is a prayer. Every little tear and every smile is filled with the knowledge that He loves us and is in control.
I am trying. I really am. Doing as best as I can to "take care of myself" and "heal." It isn't easy. But I am worn out of it all. I want to feel normal again. i want to be able to walk for 10 minutes and not feel like I had just sprinted across the country. I want to see a sappy commercial and not cry. I want to be able to tell someone about Maddy for the first time and not hear that familiar crack in my voice. I want to know how to get everything done that has to be done and still learn to be a mom...and bond with my baby.
I am going to end this sad little entry with a song I sing to Maddy. It is by one of my fave Christian folk singers, JJ Heller. It is the song that I sang to her when she was still forming inside of me...and I will sing it for her all her life.
"Quiet your heart, it's just a dream. Go back to sleep.
I'll be right here, I'll stay awake, as long as you need me
to slay all the dragons and keep out the monsters.
I'm watching over you.
My love is a light driving away all of your fears.
So, don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe.
You'll have your own battles to fight when you are older.
You'll find yourself frozen inside, but always remember-
When you feel alone, facing the giants, and you don't know what to do:
My love is a light driving away all of your fears.
So, don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe."
And....I am crying. Sheesh. It is all for love.
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1 day ago
Oh, Eryn. I feel your pain. I could post for hours about the terror, pain and sadness I felt when MB was born too soon. I wanted to hold her and KNOW her. I knew her, but not in the way that I'd imagined I would. I loved her easily, of course, but it wasn't the knowing, feeling, touching whenever I wanted to way. It will come, and I know you know that. It will be the way you imagined it, and I know you feel that as well. No matter what people say, it's not the same until your baby is at home in your arms. Normalcy. We crave it. We thrive on it. It's coming, my dear!
ReplyDeleteYou will be the best Mama to sweet Maddy.
Love you!
I am so sorry you are having to go through this my dear! I hope that you are able to find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that many moms have had to go through what you are going through. You will be a magnificent mommy and just by being there for her every day you are creating a special bond, a story that you will hold close to your heart and hers forever. I wish I could tell you that the emotional stuff was better for moms with longer pregnancies, or full term babies, but I am afraid that God made us emotional beings for a reason and none of us escape that. Keep writing and taking care if yourself, love maddy and chris with all your heart and the rest will fall into place.
ReplyDeleteyou are doing a great job. and remember the rollercoasters of emotions and desperation for normalcy is alllllll part of it. and you could be experiencing baby blues - your right at the prime time for that lovely little piece of heaven. :)
ReplyDeletesmile. in a bit this part will all be over, you'll be thinking back about it and saying to chris, "where did all the time go?!?" where you are right now will honestly be a blur.
and since having riott, i still cry at every sappy commercial. i'm afraid that part never goes away. you're a momma.