In All Honesty...

You know, what the world needs most is authenticity. I feel like we live in a world where words don't really mean what they should...where smiles are often false, and where encouragement comes in a lowly second place to judgment. How pitiful.

I figure, a transparent skin is more valuable than a tough one...so I will bear some soul in this post for ya!!

I have battled some scary little parts of myself over the past two years. I have seen the worst in me come bubbling to the surface and have not always been successful at squashing it back down. I have felt utter despair and fear...I have experience self-doubt in a way that left me crippled emotionally. I have looked at myself in a mirror and said, aloud, "You can't do it. You just cannot do it." I believed it was true. I couldn't be a good mom. I couldn't save my family from financial turmoil. I couldn't love my husband the way he deserved to be treated. I couldn't do anything right.

Still, threaded between all of that was a thick rope of hope that I really couldn't ignore. Even in my saddest moments, I clung to hope that it would all work out. I grabbed onto Maddy and fed off of her enthusiasm and joy. I loved my husband with a deep and feral ferocity. I dug into the pit of who I am and scrounged around for toughness and resolve. I picked myself up out of the bed each day with hope!! Hope! Hope! Hope!!

My point in telling you this is to grab your hand and let you know that the struggles we all face, the pain we cope with, the fear we battle...it is all relative. It is all weak and we just have to find its achilles heel and strike it down.

Hope is not vacant...it does not exist as a sentiment we can say we feel but never touch in reality. It is action and reaction and alive. Hope is what you decide to do, how you decide to use your life. To me, hope comes from the Lord. His provision and love for me. He is hope because He chose me and saved me against all proof that I was undeserving. That hope is in my life for me to use as I please. I can choose to ignore it, as I have often done, or I can weild it as a weapon.

In the past 24 hours I have received 4 emails from women I know, respect, and love. Women from all walks of life...single, married...mamas and mamas in waiting. All of them have expressed completely different struggles and all of them make my heart yearn for their comfort and peace. I do not have any answers. I do not know how to solve the riddles of the mind and heart. I do know what it feels like, though. And I am here to offer what I can...honesty.

For today, I choose Philipian 4:8- Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (The Message)

Through the ups and downs of my days, and the moments when I, for even a second, feel inadequate, I think this- what is beautiful in this day? What am I thankful for?

Today's answers- The boy beside me with dimples. The curl in my hair (that is often a source of complaint). Coffee!!! A hug from my husband when he walks in the door in a few hours. Food on my table.

Once you start, the list continues...then you will find, there is no room in that precious heart of yours for negativity or doubt. Be strong in joy and fearless with your love.