A little honesty

This collection of moments seems so familiar. I have been here, felt this, feared that, and been able to control nothing once before. I am looking at Maddy from across the room, and my eyes tell me "look how perfect she is....look at her sweet curly hair, perfect blue eyes, and energetic body...she is absolutely perfect...even with a rough start at life." However, my heart takes me back to this:

And to think that this could all come to be again...this time with a baby boy...I am struggling to deal with it.

Besides the obvious issues that come with preterm birth, I am struggling with some very selfish emotions.

Ridiculous questions like these are banging around in my head:

Why can't I get the same chance at normal delivery as most women?

Why, after a totally different pregnancy, are we here again?

Do people think that I don't take care of myself?

Is River really going to have to struggle to do things that term babies do not? Will he really be treated with surfactant, IV antibios, tube feedings, telemetry, and tons of other possible interventions....created just to keep him alive and give him a chance at normalcy? Honestly?

Am I really going to have to spend the first weeks of River's life pumping and driving, and crying, and going home without him and feeling guilty? Really? It could happen that way again?

How freaking unfair. Seriously.

I want to know what contractions feel like. I want to know the power of my body...the experience that so many dread, I just want a shot at it.

I know this sounds petty, and I don't know why I am even considering putting this on the web for public perusal...but until you go through something like this, it is impossible to know what thoughts you are really capable of.

And honestly, this is just my human nature fighting for its say. These things are not true...I know that. I cannot begin to understand...but only try to hope.

The flip side of the coin is this-

Who better knows how to care for a tiny special baby than those of us who have already cared for one?

When I stand before the Lord one day, will He care more about how my babies entered the world, or how I loved and cared for them while they were mine?

Does this situation further allow me to minister and help people who walk this road after me?

Will Maddy and River also have a unique testimony, useful to the Lord, but also comforting to their own hearts?

Could I be looking back at this, in 4 weeks, and think "well, I am still pregnant....so all that worry was for nothing?"

all of my selfish feelings...the ones I allow myself to feel when it is really late at night and I am weak and scared...they are only keeping me from peace. And, I will let them go...after the shock and disappointment of this recent news turns to old news...I will pick them off of me and drop them to the floor like fuzz and move on to hope and peace and strength and resolve.

For now, I am stuck in a fight between the selfishness and the strength. I want say to you that I am fine no matter what happens...that in the event River does come in the same shocking, scary way as Maddy, I will graciously accept my lot...but right now, I cannot.

In experiencing all of this again, I have gone back to the following posts of mine to find hope....

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/madelyn-eve-austin.html - written in the hospital just days after maddy was born.

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/fridays-update.html - an update from the hospital just before we got to hold her

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/our-little-easter-bunny.html - a little Easter miracle

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/04/happy-one-week-bday-to-maddy.html - one week update

http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2009/05/and-oh-how-my-heart-did-fly.html - How does God relate to Maddy?

and finally- http://www.sweetlemonsqueezed.com/2010/03/birds-story.html - the story I wrote to Maddy on her first birthday....recounting it all...but through the softer lens of time.

The common thread through all of those posts? Through that whole first year and still today? God has been so faithful and His love for Maddy is overwhelming and I know the same will be true for River. Eventually, that knowledge will be enough to calm my heart. I promise.