As Delicate as a Bird's Wing

You know, I try to hold myself together. I do the best I can to be the best I can be for everyone. I put on a brave face, I smile, I act like a loony bird....because it is what I want to feel in my heart. And sometimes I do. 90% of the time this comes easily because I really feel GOOD. Tonight, after opening a rotten piece of mail, my little bubble of safety popped right in my face and I lost it again. Standing in the kitchen, holding Maddy and this letter, I hung my head and cried. Like really cried. I am so tired. So tired of juggling money, so tired of collection agencies and bill collectors. So SICK AND TIRED of wondering if I can buy groceries or pay the electric bill.

Maddy held onto my shirt so tight in that moment, looking at me and saying "oh"- her new favorite phrase. Then, she reached her tiny baby hand up and lifted my freaking chin so that I would look at her. I did. I saw her toothy grin, her wild hair, and her blue eyes. I remembered a year ago, when Chris came home in defeat, letting us know that he had been laid off, looking into a much smaller face. I remember feeling hopeless, and thinking how unfair it was to lay off a man a day after his premature infant comes home from the hospital. Why was this happening to us? What would we do?

Now, here we are a year later, and I thought I was past the panic and fear. Even though, after another pay cut, I knew it would only get harder, I felt hopeful...not even 2 days ago! How fragile and fickle is my heart!!?? Seriously? How can this flip flopping be honorable to God? I don't know. I know that I sometimes want to be in a different place, to have a different story to tell. I fear that I am failing at faith. That I am throwing my hands up in God's face, asking if He really knows what He is doing.

I don't have words enough to explain this. But, I know my heart. I know that through this hurt and fear, I can grow. I know that tomorrow, God will make His mercies new and known to me in even greater ways. I know, regardless of everything else, that tomorrow He will still love me and shed His grace on my life like a plush and wonderful blanket. I know that He hurts when I hurt and that He can see all things.

I know that when I kiss my husband goodnight, I will cry again. I will tell him I am so sorry that this is our life, that he has to literally work his tail off AND go to school, and be my rock and be Maddy's hero. I know that it is a heavy load to bear. I know that he wouldn't want to be anywhere but here...and that is why he is so much better than I am.

So, to keep you from being depressed, I want you to know that in my walk of faith, one that is almost 20 years old...I have always been able to love God wide open and with complete abandon. I have always gotten the RELATIONSHIP down. I tend to fail, however, in the surrender. That is what I must do. Release my hands from the strings of my own life, and truly let Him be in control.

On April 26, 2004, a much younger and very single Eryn wrote the following blog entry when faced with a similar turmoil:

i sit at God's feet and wait (not so patiently) for some kind of clue, some hint. i listen to his breath become one with my heartbeat, and i find peace. He never reveals to me what i do not need, and never a moment before i need it. so i stay, seated, wiggling my toes, blinking my eyes to keep from daydreaming, and wait for his lead. trusting him has never been my forte. i am too determined to figure it out on my own, to do it on my own. it is so hard for me to grasp the fact that God really has this incredible plan for my life. i can screw up and fall down millions upon millions of times, and He still holds my best in his hand, waiting until he can hand it over to me. i love the fact that he is probably always smiling at me. maybe hes thinking "if only she would just stop for one moment, and let me handle this. if she would look only at me, keep me in the center of her private picture, hold me like a photo in her mind, maybe then, she could see that i am constantly the most spectacular lover of her soul, the blue in her sky, and the chords of her songs. she is silly to feel alone. she is stubborn to think i am not big enough." i can almost picture the wrinkles of concern lining his eyes and forehead. i can almost hear him sighing. and i feel dreadful. My love, the King of Creation, only asks that i trust Him, and again and again, i fail.

oh but to become a child again, and believe without hesitance, trust without second thought. so, i start over yet one more time. remembering that i am destined by my maker for great and wonderful things. remembering that i am only being shaped now, for what is to come soon. knowing fully that i am in safe and perfect hands.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

I think I will end with that. And this photo from 2004...a year in which I learned incredible things about God:

I am ready to learn more. And with hope, delicate as a bird's wing, I will continue to sit at God's feet.

Ponder anew what the Almighty Can Do.