Stones, Amoxicillin, Saggy Baggy Eyes

Weeks like this one get under my skin, test my strength, and leave me feeling empty- though I know I am not.

From the complete and utter terror of a night in the ER with Maddy on Monday- the screaming, the ridiculous fevers, the wheezing and coughing. My heart- I swore it would just cease to beat at all. Terrible. Please believe me that it was terrible. Even with a great support system surrounding us- I felt completely helpless, totally guilt stricken, and endlessly exhausted.

From that point on, we have all simply existed to keep Maddy comfortable, loved upon, and healthy. Everyone in our house and my mom's house has had their turn with the meds and breathing treatments. Through it all, even the screaming, Maddy has remained her same precious and sweet baby self. In tears and in pain, she would still try to crack a smile at us or giggle when the cats ran by. She is made of sterner stuff than I for sure!

Chris had finals this week on top of that, and it was deadline at the magazine. Stress? AH YEAH! Sleep? When we got the chance! Even Tammy is ready to fall over from exhaustion I am sure.

I will spare you the rest of the details but today is just Thursday and this week has also included:

1. Identity Theft
2. An entire day (7-7) of meetings (fun but exhausting)
3. Busted trash bag all over kitchen
4. Job insecurity
5. Realizing that I am just not going to get it all right. I just can't.
6. Countless tears. 
7. Reading about Jacob setting up stones as memorials for things that God had done in his life.

This 7th part really is the reason I am writing. Not for you few who may read my words...but for me. To hold myself accountable for recognizing this week not as a burden, but as a blessing. To look not to the negative (croup, exhaustion, insurmountable stress), but to look to the overwhelming positive (amazing family, sacrificial love, God's fullness of grace). I could set up a stone for this week. For a week that I have almost survived (thinking positive), for a week that has taught me that my strength should mirror my daughter's, for a week that has shown me the power of selflessness. A stone for this week could be a bottle of amoxicillin or a footprint because Jacob's name meant "heel" and I AM a heel! A stone could be my heart- yet again, stretched, bent, expanded until there is room to hold all of this in.

We must not only place stones to remember the good times...the times of abundance and prosperity. Stones must remind us of the times we persevered, the times we trusted God and the strength of our hearts, and the times when we were forced to find joy in the simplest moments- sometimes the hardest part of all.

The Consequence of Self-consideration

It’s like this: self-consideration is a siren’s call- calling us to a life of indulgence, self-pity, and ignorance. I have learned this through many battles with myself over the past year. I have, at times, found myself struggling with envy- envy over those who haven’t experienced tremendous financial loss this year, envy over wives who get to spend time with their husbands on a semi-normal basis, and envy over what I perceived to be women who have it all together- when I, in turn, never have had it all together. This envy produced in me a worry and a self-doubt that really sucked the very life and spark out of me. It affected the way I wrote, the way I prayed, and the way I interacted with my husband.

To me, self-consideration can be anything that consumes us with thoughts, comparisons, doubt, anxiety, or anger. After all, when we think on these things, we are ultimately considering ourselves- not the world around us. Not the people whose lives we are meant to enhance and to whom we are examples of God’s love.

It is tough…being others-minded when so much of our daily lives and struggles tell us to be concerned with me, I, our, and we…But I want to change that. I want to be the lady who spends more time worrying about OTHERS and in turn, trusting God to worry over me. After all, He has faithfully carried me this far, needing no assistance from me, my planning, or my worry.

Becca Atkins once told me, “I get tired and frustrated…but then God reminds me- hey, it isn’t even ABOUT you.” This has been my mantra when I feel that old familiar worry creeping in…”It isn’t even about me.”

 

I believe that God intends us to live a risky life…to try things for Him that make us uncomfortable and tests the mettle with which we are made. I was once a risk taker…and have made up my mind that the same girl still lives in my heart that once made a life of travelling state to state meeting and speaking to young women- knowing that they may reject me or think I was completely lame- knowing that they may never respond at all to what I was telling them. I traveled those roads wide open, with tremendous hope and great resolve. If I dig down and find her, this same girl, my limitations will disappear, my lack of confidence will melt away, and my heart will once again shine through.

I will resolve to change. I have a strong will and determination. Then, I will pile upon myself opportunities to be love and support to the people who need it. I will also be a better small group leader to the sweet girls I get to love on. I will be an effective communicator through my words. My daughter will have a better example to follow- a mom with spunk and energy to do good things, a lot of good things. And, I think God will smile and welcome back the girl who once spent her every moment dancing on His feet.

Making the Most of the Least

Do you know how I came to realize that I was a writer?

I was 19 and in college. Enrolled in exercise science classes, hoping to make a life of being a BodyPlex gym rat, and offering impeccable personal training to a loyal clientele. I took one day of Kinesiology, almost threw up from the fear, and went home to cry. Sitting in the floor of my bedroom I cried to my mom on the phone about not knowing "Whaaa whaaa I'm gonnnnna dooohoohooo." DRAMA. She asked me "Hey...what do you love to do?" Well, sing, dance, throw the football, flirt with cute guys, sit on the porch and drink coffee, go to the beach, play with Cooper and Avery. What kind of life will I make of THAT?

Writing. What I had done to fill countless numbers of journals over the years! I even used writing to communicate my most earnest prayers to the Lord. I had been writing poetry and music since I could hold a pencil. But, how could I ever make a living out of that?

What I learned, once I had AGAIN changed my major- this time to English, with a Creative Writing concentration, was that writing was actually conducive to all of the things I wanted out of life, which included but were not limited to:

• To glorify and love the Lord with my every little breath and whim.
• To reach out to teenage girls (whom I was working with often at that time in my life) where they were (which was sometimes two states away from me)- hence my first blog being born in 2004...yes blogging existed then!
• To express all of the richly colorful ideas and thoughts floating around in my head.
• To share with the world all of the many ways in which I was learning to enjoy and celebrate life. 
• To be a blessing to my family and my future husband and children.
• To make a living.

Beyond all of that, however, I have found that I was simply born to put pen to paper. I love words in a profound and deep way that I had never realized until I was struck with my seemingly limited prospects of future success.

The point in all of this? To see beyond the mundane, personal barriers we falsely erect in lieu of actually DREAMING and STRIVING. To see beyond it and find that Voila! There is always something that can be made great...even if it seems insignificant.

By the way- my love of "playing with Cooper and Avery" filled the early posts of my first blog- the Worn Pages and actually helped earn me my first job in publishing. You just never know.

A clean slate. Please!

Yes I have had a sick and fussy baby all week. Yes she has had a double ear infection and throat infection. And YES...she screamed more than she did anything else from Sunday to Wednesday. BUT! She was still her sweet self and played quietly for long enough for me to drink too much coffee....

And I took this crazy mess of a pantry

and made this!!!

Then we rocked together until she slept soundly with a little tylenol in her system and a mom who will happily sing no less than ten songs to her to get her to sleep.

charmed.

There no longer exist any ordinary days.

I am always a little loopy and off these days. I ran into a column that has been in the same place for all 5 years I have owned this house. I lost my keys in the parking lot of Kroger. I washed my car and forgot there were groceries in the trunk. I fell on my head over the baby gate- on my head.

There are no more sleep late Saturdays, no more late night movie binges with Chris, no more do what I want when I want...but PLENTY has replaced them!

Like bumping my head and falling out of the shower. I do not attribute these new events to Maddy or motherhood, however. God knows I need constant entertaining, constant fodder for good introspection and journaling, and constant laughter. I am now my own best comedian, but no gift of my own. By sheer stupidity!

It is always a good time at our house, no doubt.

In other news....

I have started making a power lunch. Here is a photo:

The only items not shown are frozen edamame, a splash of balsamic vinaigrette, and sometimes kalamata olives or banana peppers.

This salad is rocking my world. I chase it with a huge glass of water and a small piece of dark chocolate. Avocados and other fresh veggies are now a staple in my diet, things I scour sales papers for, hoping for the best prices to keep coming until the farmer's markets open. Yum...yum...Yum...


I find that I only really feel halfway normal when I eat well. I fail sometimes...I have terrible self-control. But for the most part, the cleaner I eat, the more jaunty I feel! And the better able I am to keep up with this crazy kid!!!

She has learned to bang on things with this spoon and I find it quite hilarious to watch her play the drums on every hard surface, and even sometimes the cat.

There truly are no more ordinary days. Which is practically perfect to me!!!

Back to the Beat

I flounder.
Like a flopping fish on a sandy beach- I flip from side to side...one side contentment- the other total discomfort.

I don't know why exactly other than that I am imperfect and slightly fickle. There are days when I look around at my very full life and want for nothing. But there are also days when I feel completely foreign in my own environment. I liken it to the feeling as a kid of being homesick. This is a feeling of constant discomfort...nothing feels right...you spin in circles trying to find what is wrong...and you exhaust yourself and call for a rescue.

I fight feelings of isolation. I don't have a group of friends that I do things with. I have women in my life that I admire and look up to, women I love and who bring encouragement to my life.

Yet, I find myself wanting more. Not a lot more because I honestly don't have a ton of energy for deep and intimate friendships right now. But I would like a bit more.

At the same time I am a bit cautious in any endeavor to deepen friendships simply because I tend to let myself get hurt. I cling to my family, because the women there are my best friends. My sister and mom and sisters in law. And, of course, my mother in law. I mean, who can say that they are dear and close friends with their mother in law? ME! So, with my small little yearning for a few close friends and my equally small window of time to develop said relationships...I flounder. Back and forth.

Then I have moments like this:

Chris and I went on a date tonight. We played putt putt and flirted with one another. We had yummy enchiladas at On The Border and watched the Braves from the patio. We held hands and laughed...and when we got home we stood in the driveway and kissed.

Moments like this reset my heart and I can once again sort of march to my little beat.

And then the assurance that I am always resting, always trusting, and always adventuring in God's hands.

The Bird-day decor

Here are a few shots of how the day came together!!

All the decor you see above is hand made...My mom made the pomander balls in 2007 for my wedding and we just spruced them up with new ribbon. You can see the felt wreaths I made, the bird mobile, and the coffee filter banner! Yes, I am quite proud!

Table with all the photos we had printed around the house...plus some new ones! Plates and napkins on sale!

I am just pleased as punch with this banner...had to post another picture.

My sweet sweet daddy took the story I wrote for Maddy and lovingly pasted paper together to mount it. So sweet.

Sweet chocolate cake my mom made and decorated with birds to match the mobile I made.

Her talent really knows no bounds...these cake pops were delish!

Finished table!

Even had time to steal a kiss!

No matter what...this girl smiled!!! She is listening to elmo sing to her at this specific moment!

And the grand finale...the smash cake!

After the festivities were done, friends and family joined in a huge badminton game with 7 people per team. Totally perfect and totally fun!!!!

Thanks for all who helped!

Scrap Paper Bird Mobile Tutorial

This was a fun, easy project.

Tools:

Two-sided scrapbook paper
Mod Podge (of course!)
Sharp scissors
rhinestones
yarn or twine
embroidery hoop
brown organza ribbon
hole punch

I started with a fancy little bird template that I hand drew from a photo I found online.

Then I traced it onto different patterned scraps of paper.

Once all of my bird shapes were cut out, I started free cutting little wings (think the shape of a basic flower pedal) in contrasting colors and variations of shape and glued a pair of wings to each side of the bird.

Then, you guessed it! Time to Mod Podge...and have I mentioned how much I love this stuff??

Time to glue on eyes, hole punch, and tie with yarn or twine.

I used the embroidery hoop to hang the birds by threading the yarn ends through the two layers of the hoop and tightening.

Then, measuring equal lengths of ribbon, I tied four bows to the hoop and looped the ribbon at the top to hang.

Finished product:

Hope you make it!!!

Coffee Filter Banner Tutorial

 The mere fact that I am calling this a tutorial makes me laugh. This was a laborious project for myself and my mother in law, Tammy (MIL). However, after seeing it here and HAD TO HAVE IT!!!

Here are the goods:

Natural colored coffee filters
various sheets of colored tissue paper from showers past
silver, white, and patterned cupcake liners
beads from the jewelry section of Hobby Lobby
yarn- this is part of the "What not to use" section. Ran out of twine after all pom poms were made and had to resort to using yarn. Because I procrastinate.
scotch tape

First, I cut the circles from the tissue paper in three sizes. I didn't measure and let them sort of each be a little unique. I wanted them to be smaller than the coffee filters- which I folded into fourths and trimmed half an inch.

Then, we crumpled up the tissue paper, cupcake liners, and coffee filters and flattened them back out.
Once everything was cut, we tried to organize them in some manner...which took up an entire room.

 All beads were cut from their string and placed in a semi-kitty-proof area.

Then, using a kabob skewer, we began to make our pom poms by gathering them together and poking a hole through the center. We put a very tightly rolled piece of tape over the end of the yarn to keep it firm so that it would pierce the papers. I was in charge of tying on beads and spacing each pom out by 10 inches while MIL put the poms together and threaded onto yarn. Again, please use twine or a thinner type of thread!!

You can see in the picture above that I was tying the beads on with separate pieces of yarn...which can be avoided if using twine...but the shorter pieces of yarn were easier to thread through each bead.

Once all are threaded onto the string, you just bunch up and hang. We had 20 feet to hang and this is what it looked like!!

If you make this, PLEASE let me know! I want to see more of them! It was so much fun and so beautiful! Hope you embrace adventure, though...this is a doozy!

A Very Happy Bird-day

Well, Maddy's first birthday has come and gone and so has my very first attempt at party planning...seriously.

To say that it was an amazing week would be a pitiful understatement. I have experienced a range of emotions this week that has allowed for some healing that needed to take place.

As I looked back on this past year, everything we have experienced since that cold April 7th morning, I felt both grieved and excited. I see God's hand at work in our lives so much now, because I have chosen to actual observe it rather than just assume He was there. I have seen His faithfulness through Maddy's fast healing and rapid growth. I have seen His provision throughout our dire financial straits. I have seen His joy in the family and friends we are so blessed to do life with. And mostly, I have enjoyed a refreshment of my personal salvation through the moments of fear and doubt that have been turned into rejoicing.

How humbling! How completely humbling to know that with all the world upon His shoulders, my sweet Lord has carried our little family safely through this year with a promise to never leave us or forsake us and to give us life ABUNDANT!

I am excited to see Maddy grow in the coming year. I am in love, not so much with the "act" of mothering, as the adventure that is Maddy. I love mothering...don't get me wrong...but it is not my ability to parent, or my passion for it that gives me cause to praise. It is the active and ever-changing life that I am responsible for in Maddy. It is Maddy that excites me. How could you not be excited about this?

There are a few things I have learned that I will carry with me forever!

•  I will never, ever know all of the answers to all of the questions in pregnancy or parenthood...my disappointment in such an obvious fact is humorous.

• I CAN survive on less than 4 hours of sleep a night due to teething and ear infections and no, it will not kill me.
• A marriage under great duress can actually be quite sweet and tender when the energy is directed towards encouragement and peace rather than solving all of the problems.
• A burp cloth can become a security blanket for a reflux baby and it is okay that they aren't all adorable.
• A 102 temp is considered "healthy" for baby.
• A husband tested and practically beaten down by the world can rise up and mount his noble steed and still come to the rescue.
• My heart's capacity to hold love really knows no bounds.
• Going out of the house without makeup is not an unforgivable offense.
• Forgetting that my shirt and pants are covered in spit up and going out to eat in them is a sign of hard work...not neglect.
• Holding onto my sweet baby, feeling her breath and warm skin, whispering prayers over her is the only job I really want to have for the rest of my life.
• Quality time with my husband is sometimes just Wendy's on the run or a late night knee to knee chat on the bed. Dating means something completely different now that we scarcely have a moment to steal together. 
• Healing is in His hands and I feel like maybe I have found my way out of the little hole I had dug. I know my worth now.
• I am a hot mom...right hubbs?

For now, our little family is savoring every moment....every precious second together....for life is fleeting, as this year has shown and I refuse to miss it.

I hope you all have a blessed week and thank you for your continued support of my meager blog!