The Consequence of Self-consideration

It’s like this: self-consideration is a siren’s call- calling us to a life of indulgence, self-pity, and ignorance. I have learned this through many battles with myself over the past year. I have, at times, found myself struggling with envy- envy over those who haven’t experienced tremendous financial loss this year, envy over wives who get to spend time with their husbands on a semi-normal basis, and envy over what I perceived to be women who have it all together- when I, in turn, never have had it all together. This envy produced in me a worry and a self-doubt that really sucked the very life and spark out of me. It affected the way I wrote, the way I prayed, and the way I interacted with my husband.

To me, self-consideration can be anything that consumes us with thoughts, comparisons, doubt, anxiety, or anger. After all, when we think on these things, we are ultimately considering ourselves- not the world around us. Not the people whose lives we are meant to enhance and to whom we are examples of God’s love.

It is tough…being others-minded when so much of our daily lives and struggles tell us to be concerned with me, I, our, and we…But I want to change that. I want to be the lady who spends more time worrying about OTHERS and in turn, trusting God to worry over me. After all, He has faithfully carried me this far, needing no assistance from me, my planning, or my worry.

Becca Atkins once told me, “I get tired and frustrated…but then God reminds me- hey, it isn’t even ABOUT you.” This has been my mantra when I feel that old familiar worry creeping in…”It isn’t even about me.”

 

I believe that God intends us to live a risky life…to try things for Him that make us uncomfortable and tests the mettle with which we are made. I was once a risk taker…and have made up my mind that the same girl still lives in my heart that once made a life of travelling state to state meeting and speaking to young women- knowing that they may reject me or think I was completely lame- knowing that they may never respond at all to what I was telling them. I traveled those roads wide open, with tremendous hope and great resolve. If I dig down and find her, this same girl, my limitations will disappear, my lack of confidence will melt away, and my heart will once again shine through.

I will resolve to change. I have a strong will and determination. Then, I will pile upon myself opportunities to be love and support to the people who need it. I will also be a better small group leader to the sweet girls I get to love on. I will be an effective communicator through my words. My daughter will have a better example to follow- a mom with spunk and energy to do good things, a lot of good things. And, I think God will smile and welcome back the girl who once spent her every moment dancing on His feet.